♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."
LET'S SAY HELLO TO MR. JON BATISTE.
HELLO, JON!
>> Jon: HELLO, HELLO!
YES, YES, INDEED.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE PLANS FOR THE HOLIDAYS?
ARE YOU GOING BACK TO KENNER?
>> Jon: NO, I'M GOING TO BE IN THE NORTH.
I WON'T BE ABLE TO GET BACK HOME, BUT I'M GOING TO TRY TO
GET DOWN THERE FOR CHRISTMAS ♪ I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS ♪
>> Stephen: I KNOW YOUR MOM WOULD MISS YOU IF YOU WEREN'T
THERE.
YOUR DAD WOULD, TOO, BUT YOU GOTTA BE THERE FOR MOM.
>> Jon: MOM, YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S THE ONE.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING YOU CAN PLAY, A LITTLE
HOLIDAY MUSIC TO GET US GOING?
IT'S ALREADY IN ALL THE DEPARTMENT STORES.
>> Jon: OH, YEAH, YEAH ( "O CHRISTMAS TREE )
>> Stephen: I CAN HEAR THE NEEDLES FALLING OFF THAT TREE.
BA-DA-BA-DO!
E STJON BATISTE EVERYBODY.
YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME CARBO-LOADING THE DAY'S BIGGEST
STORIES, GROIN-STRETCHING WITH THE MOST VITAL HEADLINES, AND
CAREFULLY APPLYING THE MOST INFORMATIVE, EDUCATIONAL NIPPLE
TAPE TO POWER MYSELF THROUGH THE NEWS MARATHON THAT IS MY
MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, NOT ALL THE TIMES, JUST SOMETIMES.
I LIKE TO DOWN A FIFTH OF BOURBON, RUN AROUND THE HOUSE
'TIL I'M DIZZY, COMMANDEER ONE OF THE
NEIGHBORHOOD KIDS' BIKES, AND RIDE IT INTO THE LAKE FOR THE
RECKLESS MISDEMEANOR TRIATHLON OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
"QUARANTINE-WHILE!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN "STORIES
YOU CAN ASSUME HAPPENED IN TEXAS," "A DOG IN PLANO SHOT A
MAN IN THE LEG."
NOW, HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN A BAD MAN, AND KNOW THE BEST WAY TO
STOP HIM WAS A GOOD BOY WITH A GUN!
WHO'S A GET BOY?
WHO'S GOT A GUN?
YOU, DO!
APPARENTLY, THE MAN HAD "A PISTOL TUCKED INSIDE HIS
WAISTBAND, AND WHILE PICKING UP HIS DOG, A PAW GOT LODGED IN
THE TRIGGER AND FIRED HIS WEAPON, SENDING A BULLET INTO
AND THROUGH HIS THIGH."
SEE, THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOGS AND CATS RIGHT
THERE.
CATS DON'T MISS.
( LAUGHTER )
NEW SURVEY, "A SURPRISING PERCENTAGE OF YOUNG AMERICANS
SAY THEY HAVE NEVER SEEN A COW IN PERSON."
KIDS THESE DAY, I'LL TELL YOU.
IN MY DAY, YOU USED PAY PHONES, YOU LOOKED THE NUMBER UP IN A
PHONE BOOK, THEN YOU PUT THE PHONE BOOK BACK ON TOP OF THE
COW-- 'CAUSE THE CITIES WERE LOUSY WITH 'EM.
WE ALL HAD TO PUT OUT COW TRAPS.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "AN UNEMPLOYED MAN FOUND A NEW JOB BY POSTING
HIS RESUME ON A TRUCK," AND "THE MAN WAS OFFERED A NEW POSITION
TWO DAYS AFTER HIS C.V. HIT THE ROAD."
I'M HAPPY FOR THE GUY, AND I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEW HISTORY
CHANNEL SERIES: "ICE ROAD HUMAN RESOURCES DEPARTMENT."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN MAYONNAISE WEDDING NEWS, THE "HELLMAN'S
COMPANY SURPRISED A COUPLE WHOSE LAST NAMES WERE "HELMS" AND
"MAYO" ON THEIR WEDDING DAY WITH MAYONNAISE."
SO BEAUTIFUL.
RIGHT UP THERE ON THE LIST OF THINGS PEOPLE HOPE FOR ON THEIR
WEDDING DAY: GOOD WEATHER, NO TRAFFIC, AND SURPRISE
MAYONNAISE.
THEY'RE REALLY GRATEFUL, BUT HONESTLY, THEY REGISTERED FOR
MIRACLE WHIP.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "A MILITARY CARRIER PIGEON MESSAGE HAS
TURNED UP 110 YEARS AFTER IT WAS SENT."
JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU HOW HARD LIFE WAS BEFORE CELL
PHONES.
"WHERE WERE YOU, MAN?
I WAS WAITING FOR YOU OUTSIDE THE MOVIE THEATER FOR 110
YEARS!" "SORRY, MY PIGEON GETS NO
SERVICE IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD."
IS THAT WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO?
WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO NOTES TO THE TWO GUYS OR WAS I SUPPOSED
TO BE LIKE, "HEY, WHAT WERE YOU DOING?"
WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?
ARE WE STILL...
THE MISSING MESSAGE TURNED UP IN NORTHEASTERN FRANCE AND "WAS
SENT FROM ONE GERMAN MILITARY OFFICER TO ANOTHER IN 1910,"
THOUGH "THE SCRIPT IS DIFFICULT TO DECIPHER."
EXPERTS WERE JUST ABLE TO MAKE OUT THIS MUCH:
( GERMAN ACCENT )
IF YOU DON'T FORWARD ZIS TO SEVEN PEOPLE IN 48 HOURS,
DEUTSCHLAND VIL FALL UNDER THE RULE OF A PSYCHO PAINTER FROM
VIENNA.
UND YOU'LL GAIN TEN POUNDS!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, ACCORDING TO A
NEW STUDY, UNLIKE CATS AND DOGS WHO FORM SPECIAL BONDS WITH
THEIR OWNERS, "HORSES DON'T LOVE SPECIFIC HUMANS."
IT'S ALMOST LIKE RIDING ON SOMETHING'S BACK FOR HOURS WHILE
WHIPPING IT AND POKING IT IN THE SIDE WITH METAL HEEL-SPIKES
ISN'T A BONDING EXPERIENCE.
ALSO, THERE'S A LOT GOING ON RIGHT NOW.
DO WE REALLY NEED TO BE PUTTING EFFORT INTO TESTING WHICH
ANIMALS DON'T LOVE US?
( AS SCIENTIST )
BUT WE HAVE DISCOVERED THAT BUNNIES THINK YOU'RE KIND OF A
BITCH."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH HUGH GRANT.
♪ ♪ ♪