Okay, tonight I want to dedicate this first act
to talking about a subject that I don't think
we pay enough attention to
because of the craziness of our world.
I'm talking about wildlife.
Now, it's upon us to be stewards of these creatures
who really have no...
I'm just kidding. We're talking about Trump.
-(cheering, applause) -Come on, guys.
It's Trump.
All right, roll the Unblackening.
♪ ♪
(roaring)
So wrong, so wrong.
Okay, funny story--
couple weeks ago, we were all saying,
"Man, Trump just criticized the family of a fallen soldier?
"What?
There's no way he could do anything worse than this."
He did.
Hillary wants to abolish, essentially abolish,
the Second Amendment.
If she gets to pick her judges--
nothing you can do, folks.
(crowd clamoring)
Although, the Second Amendment people, maybe there is.
I don't know.
AUDIENCE: Ooh.
Yup, that's right. Donald Trump not so subtly hinting
that gun rights activists should "do something"
about Hillary Clinton. Really? You're joking about
your political opponent being whacked.
Okay, guys, I used to think rational,
well-intentioned people could be on opposite sides of the aisle
and intelligen... intelligently debate the merits
of both governing philosophies. But you know what?
At this point, if you vote for Trump,
you're just a dick. Seriously.
(cheering, applause)
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I hope you get destroyed by a horse-sized duck.
How about that?
(cheering, applause)
How about that?
That's all I'm saying.
No, horrible thing to say.
It's an inside joke. I apologize.
No, because there's no possible way
this can be misinterpreted, right?
Okay, let's hear from Trump's
chief spokesgoblin, Katrina Pierson...
and join me as I watch in amazement
as the (bleep) pours out of her mouth.
Mr. Trump was saying exactly what he said.
He was talking about Hillary Clinton and gun control.
But, Katrina, he was talking about
what Second Amendment activists could do
to stop her if she won.
PIERSON: Well, no, that's-that's actually
not what he was talking about.
Okay, let me stop you right there. (bleep) you.
That
I don't care how convoluted your explanation is.
We're not stupid. We can hear.
Stop trying to explain him away.
But it wasn't just her trying to force-feed us this turd taco.
You're treating Mr. Trump's words like he is
the most articulate person who's ever graced our ears
with his words, and-and that is not true.
But... So, let's say that he was an-an English professor
with a PhD in-in grammar.
Okay...
First of all,
you can't get a PhD in a subject
that's taught in the fifth grade, okay?
Okay? Okay...
That's like getting a bachelors of science
in kickball or something, right?
And, second, just to be clear,
your argument is that Trump is so incoherent
he can't be held accountable
when his words might constitute a federal crime.
And, of course, what defense of Trump would be complete
without the human embodiment of impotent rage himself,
Rudy Giuliani?
You know how speeches go. He was talking about
how they have the power to keep her out of office.
The first time that any of us had any idea that
that is way it was interpreted
is when the Clinton spin machine interpreted it that way.
The Clinton spin machine spun it out.
Clinton spin machine?
That sounds like a line Bill would have used
in the '90s, right?
"Hey, you want to ride the Clinton spin machine?"
Right? I'm just sayin'. I'm just sayin'.
-Sounds like it. -(cheering, applause)
But...
It's... We're maybe doing those jokes
for the next eight years. That's really sad, right?
But once again, it's acting like we can't hear something.
Like he's blaming
Here's what gets me about this, okay? Giuliani is...
he's here diminishing the power of Trump's words,
but he's not always so calm about language.
We've had, from on top,
a lot of divisiveness and a lot of anti-police rhetoric.
There's a target on police officers' backs
is because of groups like Black Lives Matter
that make it seem like all police are against blacks.
Okay, so when Trump calls for the violent death
of his opposition, that's just Clinton spin.
But when it's Black Lives Matter,
they're literally killing people
with the power of their "hypnotizing Negro language."
Look, the difference between a random protester
and someone running to be the leader of the free world
is that once you're president, everything you say has meaning.
I'll-I'll show you how this works.
Okay, look, here at
I-I mean, I'm the boss, right?
I'm kind of "the president" of this show, if you will.
Right? You know what I mean. Okay, now, look,
Rory Albanese is my executive producer.
Oh, hey. What's up, Larry? Hey, great show so far, boss.
Thanks, Rory. I appreciate that, man.
-Killing it, killing it. -Now, I might be a little upset
at Rory one day, just talking off the top of my head,
"Man, I can't stand Rory.
Sometimes I wish somebody would just make him go away."
Now, because I'm the boss and I have influence,
-those words mean something. -(Albanese yelling)
Oh, my God, what... what-what's going on?
Holly, what the hell are you doing?!
-What the hell are you doing, Holly?! -Holly!
(Albanese yelling)
Larry said you needed to die!
What the hell?! Stop it!
-Stop it! -(grunting)
Holly, Holly! Leave him alone!
It was just words!
-Oh. -(groans)
-Oh, oh, I'm sorry. -Yes.
I, uh... Your words are so powerful.
Thank you. Thank you.
-You know, I was influenced. -Exactly.
-Yeah. -Well, you know what, Holly, when you put it that way,
-actually, it's fair. What you did is fair. -Oh.
(applause)
Good job, guys! Good job.
That's the power of
So I don't care how much they try to spin this--
stop being so careless with your language. All right.
Okay, here to explain himself...
(chuckles)
Here to explain himself-- that's right-- is Donald Trump.
(cheering and applause)
All right. Okay.
Thanks for coming, uh... thanks for coming, Donald.
Now, I have to ask you directly,
did you or did you not basically call
for the assassination of Hillary Clinton yesterday?
Look, come on, Larry, look, did I "use"
the word "assassination"? I mean, no, I mean, come on.
I just said there was something people who believe in,
you know, the good amendment, the-the one, uh,
with the guns...
The Second Amendment?
Oh, God, leave it to a black to know everything about guns.
-I mean, come on. -What the (bleep)?
So unbelievably typical, okay?
I just said there was something people who believe
-in the Second Amendment could do, okay-- -Uh-huh.
get out to vote, write letters, or do whateverly...
heavily armed, angry mobs do, okay? Whatever that is, okay?
-It's a free country, no thanks to Obama, okay? -Tha...
But I'm supposed to guess what they're gonna do?
-Come on. I mean, give me a break. -I feel... Look,
I feel you know exactly what you meant,
and my fear is that
Come on, look, it was a joke.
I mean, I get it. You don't know what a joke is.
Believe me, I've watched this show. It's awful, okay?
It's a complete disaster.
-But, uh, I am an entertainer, okay? -Really?
So, look, I'll actually write a joke right now.
Watch this. It's gonna be hilarious.
Here we go. (clears throat)
Knock, knock.
-Oh, God. -Knock, knock.
-Fine. Who's there? -Excuse me, don't interrupt, okay?
What? You said "knock, knock."
I want an answer, Donald. Did you or did you not
basically call for the assassination
-of Hillary Clinton? -You know what, I don't need
-to answer that, Larry. I really don't, okay? -Please...
Matter of fact, I'm tired of this political correctness
in America today. Back in the day,
a politician could actually straight-up shoot
a political rival, and I know because I saw that
in
Black Hamilton?
Wait, first of all, it's just called
And that's your takeaway,
that we're too politically correct today
and we should be shooting people we disagree with?
-God, that would be great, right? Unbelievable. -No!
Look, but don't put words in my mouth, Larry, okay?
-I'm only joking or I'm improperly implying -I'm...
or saying one thing while meaning another.
It's called being entertaining, okay?
Okay, fine. Well, when are you gonna stop trying
to be entertaining and start trying to be presidential?
When I become president, okay?
That way, whatever I do is gonna be presidential, okay?
-Stupid question. -All right, Donald...
Donald Trump, everyone. We'll be right back.