- Strippers. (audience laughing)
I'm not bullshitting.
I was in Atlanta one time
and I saw these hoes praying before they danced
(audience laughing) and I was like,
"What are these hoes asking Jesus for right now?"
Like, what?
"Lord, let us shake our asses faster
than we ever shook 'em before, God."
(audience laughing and applauding)
"Let him clap as if we were at a graduation, Lord."
(audience laughing and applauding)
"Let the tips come in abundance, God!"
(upbeat music)
- I'm not even that famous and already I hate it.
I hate it so much.
It's a burden.
Occasionally now I will be eating at a fancy restaurant
and we'll get recognized by both the wait staff
and the chef and think to myself, "Oh, great.
Now I have to tip more."
(audience laughing)
- I think women should judge men equally and harshly.
You know what never fails?
Judge men based on what they drive.
Ladies, if a guy picks you up in a minivan,
he is telling you, "Why have sex when we can collect
all the Angry Birds stuffed animals?"
(audience laughing)
Full sized van.
Whoa. (audience laughing)
That's more like, "You want to go out?
Well, you're coming." (audience laughing)
Kidnapping, joke, yeah?
Now ladies, if a guy picks you up in a Honda
and it's lowered, real low, low, to the ground
(audience laughing)
and there's some cool blue lights underneath it, that says,
"When we get to this restaurant,
get whatever you want.
My mom's got this.
Don't worry about it.
I got it, yeah." (audience laughing)
Yeah, she gave me tip money.
Yeah!
- Postmates is not that bad.
I actually make decent money.
It's kind of weird running into people I know.
I ran into this dude that just sold a TV show.
He was like, "Hey, Chaunte Wayans."
You know, you try to overexplain yourself.
I was like, "Yeah, man, you know, I'm out here hustling."
(audience laughing)
Like, you know.
"Just finished touring and shit.
You know what I mean?"
(audience laughing)
"Just had some meetings about to sell some shit, you know?
Just doing this to pay off a little bit of debt,
you know, have extra money."
He was like, "Oh, cool.
"My food is getting cold.
I gotta go." (audience laughing)
You better fucking tip me, man.
(audience laughing and applauding)
Postmates is fun.
It's fun.
There's a lot of judgment in Postmates.
I realized white people love chicken and waffles.
(audience laughing)
Y'all love it.
It's crazy too, 'cause I be going driving up in the hills
and stuff and I'd be like,
"Look at my people all the way up in the top."
You know what I'm saying?
And not forgetting.
(audience laughing and applauding)
I'm like, "Look at them, man.
"They don't forget where they came from."
This is what I'm talking about.
Then I get there, it's just a regular ass white lady
that opens the door and she's like, (giggling)
(audience laughing)
People are bougie in Postmates,
especially people in the hood.
Real talk.
I showed up one time, she's like,
"Could you bring my food to the door?"
I was like, "No, bitch, I'm scared."
(audience laughing)
"You live here, so they obviously know you."
"How about you come downstairs
and I'll tip you to come get your own fucking food."
(audience laughing)
- Atmosphere can change your attitude.
It's like being in an Italian restaurant
and they put bread on the table.
Now you didn't ask for bread, but it's there so you eat it.
Then they take that basket away, they bring more bread,
you eat that bread,
they take that basket away, they bring more bread,
you eat all that bread,
then they take that basket away
and then they don't bring bread anymore and you're like,
"Where the fuck is our bread?
I'm not tipping.
This is bullshit.
No, honey, I'm pissed."
(audience laughing)
- I think at certain jobs,
you shouldn't pray to God for having.
Like boxers.
You ever see a boxer before a fight?
You ever wonder what the fuck is he praying about?
(audience laughing)
Be like, "Lord, gimme the strength
to knock this motherfucker out, Lord.
Let me paralyze him from the neck down, God.
Let him never walk again, in Jesus name, I pray."
Strippers. (audience laughing)
I'm not bullshitting.
I was in Atlanta one time and I saw these hoes
praying before they danced and I was like,
"What are these hoes asking Jesus for right now?"
Like, what?
"Lord, let us shake our asses
faster than we ever shook them before, God.
Let 'em clap as if we were at a graduation, Lord.
(audience laughing)
Let the tips come in abundance, God.
(audience laughing)
Don't let it rain, let it tsunami on us tonight, Lord."
(audience laughing)
- I got in trouble my second week in rehab
'cause I ordered Outback Steakhouse using Postmates.
(audience laughing)
There were two things in this Pennsylvania town
where I went to rehab.
There was an Outback and there was a rehab.
But when I ordered the Outback,
I somehow thought the delivery guy
wouldn't know what the rehab was.
So I gave him the street address of the rehab
as if it was my home
and then in the special instructions I wrote,
"Don't stop at the big building,
(audience laughing)
drive up the hill to the brick dorm
and you'll see a 38 year old man outside in a robe
who's so excited." (audience laughing)
So the food arrives, but it gets confiscated
by the RS on duty and he calls me into his office
and he goes, "This is fucked up.
This is serious."
I go, "It's just Outback."
(audience laughing)
He goes, "What if it's an Outback dry run?"
I go, "What's an Outback dry run?"
(audience laughing)
He goes, "Well, this time you order Outback
and it's just food and we laugh it off
and we let it through.
But what if you left a really big tip,
so that next time you order, you go,
'Hey, remember me?
I left you a really big tip.
I'll give you an even bigger tip
if you get me some drugs.'"
I said, "Oh my God, that is a fantastic idea."
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)