Hi, I'm Nicholeen Peck, and I teach all over the world about parenting,
good communication, strong family relationships,
and in this video, we are going to be talking about tips for creating strong, blended families.
Do you have a blended family? Well, there is hope for getting on the same page in the parenting and
having the whole family become united. I know that seems like a bigger task than could be possible.
But I've seen multiple blended families now come together in full unity by using some skills
and principles of self-government, and in this video, what we're going to be talking about is
what creates problems in blended families and what you can do in order to strengthen the blended
family so that hopefully, you can all become one. The one thing about blended families that can make
things tricky is the roles, they sometimes seem sort of blurry. Especially, because there's the
mother and the father of this child or these children, and then there's the mother and the
father of these child. But we've got the mother of this child and the father of this child. Now,
all of a sudden married and living together, and all of the children maybe are in the home all at
the same time but this child doesn't want to say that child's their father, or this child doesn't
want to say that child's their mother, and so, then we have a struggle with. What do those other
parents do? Do they have any rights at all with the children? Can they give them any instruction,
any answer? Can they do corrections? How do you make it so that the family is prepared
for this transition and so, that all adults are respected as they should be? Parents if they are
in the home with the child If they are providing shelter for the child or taking care of the child
in any way do have the rights to be able to give the child instructions, "no" answers,
corrections and the child should be doing all the things like accepting consequences. They should be
accepting those corrections, and those teaching moments from that other parent. I know it seems
like to the child that they shouldn't have to do that or sometimes, even the parents will say, you
correct your child, I'll correct my child. But what that does is it actually creates disunity in the
family, you don't want to have that. You have to maintain a good parent, like husband and wife bond
for the children because that's actually healthy for them. They need to see husband and wife,
being unified together in everything including the parenting, and not see one person as irrelevant,
while the other person has to handle everything all the time. I know this can seem difficult
especially if it seems like the child may not want to accept it but one of the best things that
you can do at the very beginning of any type of family or even if, you're not at the beginning in
any more of your blended family, or you're just trying to fix problems is make sure you bring
the discussion back to the roles in the family. Even if, the parent is not the child's father
or mother, that parent is technically standing in for mother or father if they are married to the
other mother or father of the child. They have to be able to act in that capacity. Otherwise,
it's damaging for the marriage, as well as for the relationship with the child, and we want the
child to see the ideal, right? The ideal is that a husband and a wife work together. They support
each other, they share responsibilities. They both do teaching for the children. This is what
it should look like in a fully functioning home, and the whole idea of remarrying is giving the
children that view of what a fully functioning family should look like. Especially, if there's
been a divorce, now I know it's a little bit different scenario. If there's been deaths in the
family, and then you're blending families after that because there's not another person there,
that seems like they have that same role because they might already have passed on or something.
But either way, it can still be difficult on the children and if those roles become too blurry,
then you end up in a state of dysfunction. So, it's important to talk about who each other is
in the family. Make sure to find the book Roles: The Secret to Family Business and Social Success.
It's not a book about blended families but it is a book that really clearly articulates,
what healthy roles are in a family, role of father, role of mother, rule of child so that
the children can understand as you read through that story together and discuss,
what's happening in that family. What it should be like in your family and what roles that each
other has? It will open the door to conversation that you might need to have about your blended
family. So, we're going to talk about some skills and principles that you can teach the children,
and that you can utilize as husband and wife to keep everybody on the same page to solve problems.
But before we do, I would like to invite you to click that subscribe button. This channel is
full of videos, that you will need to strengthen your family. Whether you're blended family or not,
the same principles and skills apply. Now I know, that sometimes as a blended family,
we think things are drastically different but the thing about principles is that they are broadly
applicable. And so, I talk about principles on every one of the videos on this channel,
and the principles of self-government and good communication will apply to you no matter what
type of family dynamic you have. So, let's talk a little bit about this book. This book Parenting
A House United is my main book, and it shares the principles and skills of self-government that are
going to be beneficial to your family. There's also a course, it's called the TSG parenting
course, and you can utilize that to get on the same page as a couple. That's probably one of
the most important things that you could be doing is making sure that you get on the same page as
a couple. Because if not, then people might be using strategies that are not complementary. This
book here Popular Parenting Methods is a book that talks about all the different types of parenting,
and what some of the pitfalls and traps are of those different types of parenting, and is
probably one of the number one books for getting parents on the same page that you could be using.
So, if you read this so that you can discuss what you've done in the past, how you were raised and
maybe, some of the traps that you're falling into, hopefully, you'll also be able to see
the parenting model or structure that's going to be most beneficial for the two of you to use
together. If you can both use the same words, the same skills, the same dialogues with the children,
then that's going to help you have that unified feeling that you want for your family.
Part of the TSG parenting course involves teaching certain skills to children.
There are four basic skills that actually, take care of 99 percent of behavioral problems and
these are just adult skills. Children of all ages need these skills so, these books right here,
teach the four basic skills to the children. This book here teaches following instructions, this one
teaches accepting "no" answers and criticism. This one teaches accepting consequences,
and this one teaches disagreeing appropriately. When a person learns all four of these skills,
you will have way less problems with them. Because they learn how to keep a calm face, voice,
and body, how to drop the subject, how to follow through with the task that's given them, and how
to seek understanding in a way where everyone feels respected. So, those four basic skills are
skills that the whole family can learn and refer back to when they see a problem coming. When your
family has a system that includes skills where you can articulate the pieces that are missing,
such as oh, just now, it looks like you didn't have a calm face. Even though, you did say okay,
you weren't being calm yet. So, we need to talk about that. So, instead of focusing on what the
instruction was, whether it was the garbage that needed to go out, or the floor that needed to be
swept or something, instead of focusing on the task, the task, the task, we focus on how the
person is doing the task, or how the person is following the instruction and the relationship
bond that is happening, and if you put your focus there, that decreases so much contention
when you're doing the corrections. Now, in the TSG parenting course, I talk about how to do effective
corrections. If a correction is done really effectively, you should feel closer to your child
during and after correction than you even did before. Another key piece of my training
that helps get everyone on the same page in a family whether you are blended family or not,
is creating what I call a family vision. So, this is basically taking a moment in the future,
like 10 or 20 years in the future that you want to have. Maybe, it's a trip or maybe, it's a holiday
that you always are going to celebrate together. Something like that, and you form the identity of
the group around this one time that you will get together at that appointed time in the future,
and then you regularly, and deliberately, practice being that type of group and that type of family,
and whenever you're not, then you know, that you need to do a correction. You need to be
deliberate as a blended family. Make a deliberate plan about who you are becoming as a group,
discuss who you are to each other in your roles. Talk about the skills that you need,
and they are all based on certain principles. Principles like acceptance, love, mercy, calmness,
and self-government, talk about those principles. Talk about what it means to be a family,
make sure that you point toward the ideal. Even if, you are a blended family and maybe, you don't
quite have the ideal because there's this other family that you're working with at the same time,
who get the children a portion of the time. Even so, when they are with you, you can live according
to the ideal that you're shooting for in your relationships in your family. Deliberate action
is required. If you wait for people to fall in love with each other, and decide that they accept each
other, and that kind of thing, without actually articulating who you are in a group, where you're
going, how you're going to handle the problems, it could be an even bumpier road. In fact, people
will often in blended families distance themselves from each other, put up walls and basically,
make battle zones because they say well that's your way, but this is our way, or this is my way,
and that is not going to lead to any type of unity in the near future. If you want unity,
you've got to deliberately bring things out into the open and talk about the relationships and plan
for those relationships, and how you'll solve the problems. If you've enjoyed this video,
I know you'll love my next video which goes into more detail about the skills and principles that
I have mentioned here, and that video is the Not So Known Secret For Parenting Success.
Click on the link to that video now, and I'll see you there.