- SOME PEOPLE REALLY ENJOY THE HOLIDAYS.
I'LL TELL YOU WHO DOESN'T: STUDENTS.
BECAUSE THEY GET STRESSED OUT. MIDTERMS ARE HAPPENING.
SO YOU KNOW ME, I'M ALWAYS TRYING TO HELP.
I ASKED THEM IF THEY SEND ME THEIR HOMEWORK QUESTIONS,
I'LL HELP 'EM 'CAUSE I HAVE A SEGMENT,
HOMEWORKER HELPERER.
- [singing] A, B, C.
EASY AS ONE, TWO, THREE.
AS SIMPLE AS DO, RE, MI.
A, B, C.
ONE, TWO, THREE.
BABY, YOU AND ME, GIRL.
EASY AS ONE, TWO, THREE.
AS SIMPLE AS DO, RE, MI.
- NO, NO TIME.
NO TIME FOR FUN. RECESS IS OVER.
HERE IS THE FIRST QUESTION I RECEIVED.
THIS IS FROM JARED ALTMARK FROM MARGATE, FLORIDA.
HE SAYS, "HI, ELLEN, THIS WEEK WE HAD TO PICK A TOPIC
"FOR A RESEARCH PAPER
"WITH THE THEME 'LEADERSHIP AND LEGACY.'
"YOU WERE MY FIRST CHOICE,
"BUT AS SOON AS I SAID YOUR NAME,
"MY ENGLISH TEACHER SAID, 'NOT RELEVANT.'
"CAN YOU PLEASE TELL HER
WHY YOU SHOULD BE THE TOPIC OF MY PAPER?"
UNBELIEVABLE, HUH?
I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW YOUR TEACHER'S NAME.
ACTUALLY, NO, NO, IT'S NOT RELEVANT.
I DON'T NEED IT.
[audience oohs]
[cheers and applause]
AND BY THE WAY, I'M NOT RELEVANT,
TEACHER WHATEVER-YOUR-NAME-IS?
HOW ABOUT 34 MILLION TWITTER FOLLOWERS AND, UH--
[cheers and applause]
ONE RIGHT THERE.
AND 14 PEOPLE'S CHOICE AWARDS, HOW 'BOUT THAT RIGHT THERE?
[cheers and applause]
27 EMMY AWARDS, HOW 'BOUT THAT RIGHT THERE?
[cheers and applause]
AND TWO-TIME HOST OF THE OSCARS.
THAT RIGHT THERE.
AND "PEOPLE MAGAZINE'S" SEXIEST WOMAN ALIVE
FOUR YEARS AND COUNTING.
[cheers and applause]
NO.
I--I MADE THAT LAST ONE UP, BUT--
BUT THERE ARE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE
WITH MY NAME ON THEIR UNDERWEAR.
SO TAKE THAT, WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS.
NEXT QUESTION.
THE NEXT QUESTION IS FROM ANNABELL KRANZ
FROM CARMEL, INDIANA.
"DEAR ELLEN, IN ALGEBRA THEY ALWAYS GIVE US
"THE EQUATION LIKE 'Y=3/5X+7'
"AND THEN THEY ASK US TO FIND THE 'X'.
"SO I CIRCLE THE 'X' AND I WRITE 'IT'S WRITE THERE.'
"AND I ALWAYS GET THE QUESTION WRONG,
AND I WAS WONDERING WHY."
VERY FUNNY, ANNABELL.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT'S WRONG.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE SAYING
THAT YOU'RE DOING THE "Y=3/5X+7."
OKAY?
ALL RIGHT, WELL, THEN YOU SAY,
"FIND THE 'X.'"
YOU CIRCLE THE "X" RIGHT THERE,
AND YOU SAY,
"IT'S WRITE THERE."
OKAY.
SO...
WHAT YOU'RE DOING WRONG IS OBVIOUS,
BUT I'LL POINT IT OUT ANYWAY.
YOU ARE WRITING THE WORD "WRITE" WRONG.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SPELL IT "RIGHT."
AND THEN IF YOU DO THAT...
[cheers and applause]
ALL OF THOSE A'S WILL COME ROLLING IN.
NEXT QUESTION IS FROM MADDIE HOOFORD
FROM DALLAS, TEXAS.
"DEAR ELLEN, I AM A PRE-NURSING MAJOR.
"I'M CURRENTLY TAKING HUMAN ANATOMY.
"IT'S THE HARDEST CLASS I'VE EVER HAD TO TAKE.
"I HAVE TO LABEL EVERY SINGLE PART OF THE BODY,
"INCLUDING THE VEINS AND MUSCLES.
"DO YOU HAVE ANY TIPS ON HOW TO MEMORIZE
THE PARTS OF THE BODY?"
MADDIE, VISUAL AIDS HELP WITH MEMORIZATION,
AND I'M GONNA BRING OUT SOMEONE
WHO IS TOO, TOO PRETTY FOR COLLEGE.
NICK, COME ON OUT HERE.
[cheers and applause]
HOW ARE YOU? - GOOD.
- NICK, I'M GLAD YOU'RE BACK.
NICK WAS ACTUALLY--
HE HAD A PART IN "MAGIC MIKE 2."
YOU WERE SHOOTING THE SEQUEL.
- YEAH.
[cheers and applause]
- GOT YOU A PART IN THAT.
YOU'RE WELCOME. HOW'D THAT GO?
- IT WAS AMAZING. IT WAS A BLAST.
- TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT. - UM...
- WELL, WE DON'T HAVE TIME.
UM, JUST LOSE THE SHIRT.
I HAVE TO-- I HAVE TO, UM--
[cheers and applause]
MADDIE, THESE RIGHT HERE,
THESE ARE ABDOMINAL MUSCLES.
- RIGHT.
- AND MOST PEOPLE HAVE SIX,
BUT NICK HAS, LIKE, 12 OR 14 OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
AND SHOW YOUR TRICEPS, SHOW YOUR TRICEPS.
- OKAY. - OKAY, SEE THAT?
[cheers and applause]
YOU CAN--YOU CAN TRY TO GET THEM,
EXCEPT YOU WON'T.
THESE OF COURSE ARE BOOBIES.
[cheers and applause]
AND--I'M KIDDING.
THOSE ARE NOT CALLED "BOOBIES."
I KNOW, THEY'RE CALLED "PECTORUS RIDICULOUSNESS"
IS WHAT IT'S CALLED.
AND, UH, THIS LINE, NO ONE HAS THAT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS. THAT'S RIDIC--
I GUESS IF YOU SPILL SOMETHING IT JUST DRIPS DOWN.
ALL RIGHT, TURN AROUND, NICK.
OKAY, AND, UH, THIS IS, UH--
THIS IS SOME KIND OF A NOTE TO ME OR SOMETHING.
THESE ARE, UH-- THESE ARE DELTA BURKES.
AND THEN, UM...
THEN, UH...
JUST LET EVERYBODY ENJOY THIS PART OF YOU RIGHT NOW.
[cheers and applause]
THERE'S THAT PART.
WHAT'S THAT? THAT'S CALLED THE...
[audience shouting]
ALL OF THAT WOULD WORK.
ALL RIGHT, MADDIE, I HOPE THAT HELPS.
IF ANYONE HAS ANY HOMEWORK QUESTIONS,
PLEASE SEND THEM TO ME, AND I SEND YOU THIS DANCE.