I've been thinking a lot about
This phenomenon of feeling behind in life
which is something I've come up against quite a bit in my life and
something that I think a lot of my friends and peers go through as well, especially
When I bring it up in conversation, I just feel like people identify with that very quickly
And it makes me think that this is probably an issue on a bigger scale than I initially thought, you know
It's sort of something I think many of us. Don't can't quite put our finger on or
Articulate very well or are combating silently, but it's still there
It still exists this feeling of like not measuring up never being able to catch up and what I find so interesting
Is that everybody has their own version of that thinking about that has really made me reconsider
Aspects of myself, for example the fact that I'm very competitive, you know
I used to think that that was a really good thing because I'm motivated and determined and very forward-thinking
but
On the same token. I
Feel like that's also robbed me of a lot of joy a lot of pleasure
You know always having to be better move forward and prove you get the advantage get ahead
and
That's kind of an ugly thing to admit
But I've been trying to figure out why this comes up so much in my life, you know why this is such a deep Drive
And I know I'm not supposed to compare it to others and I should focus on myself and be in my lane
But it's built into us, you know thousands of years ago
Say you're a farmer and the farmer next door is
Doing the same things you are or you saw you think but they're having much greater results
It's in your best interest to find out what they're doing, right? It gets really messy ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
when you think about the fact that
You know, I'm part of the problem if you like who wants to show the worst moments of their lives anyway
right
And if you look at my Instagram where you look at the things that I posted
you might come to the conclusion that I'm living in an extraordinary life, right and
I've had a good year. I'm not gonna lie. I don't want to complain about my life
I have had an exceptional year and it's been full of incredible experiences. But what I post
Doesn't tell the full story
It just doesn't it doesn't tell the story of the self-doubt of
the fear of the moments of not knowing what to do of
regret of the
Stress that I've felt the anxiety. This is not I'm not trying to be make a sob story
But these are things that I think we all go through
I think we all in some way or in fact to some level have felt what depression is or sadness at the very least?
That's the part. I think a lot of us kind of want to put to the side or I mean I do
I mean
I know I want to be happy as often and as much as possible
if I could always be in a state of positivity and of creativity and of
Being giving and generous who wouldn't want to be in that mode at all times
But that's just don't think that that is how it works. What I've been kind of realizing little by little is
this
that competitiveness and that
Need to not be feeling behind right to desperately move forward. I
think for me at least I'll just speak in my case is
Based out of a
lack of
self-love
it's not I don't like hate myself or I don't think I do but I also am NOT okay with
Where I am or Who I am at this point life. I haven't accepted me which I think would be
Massively liberating this feeling of being behind behind what whose whose measuring stick? Am I using you know, like
Where did this come from?
It's all living in my brain. Everybody's version of this is different. That should be a telltale sign that
This is like invented
This is not something that makes any rational sense to think that life can be calculated or predicted is
Wrong, it's wrong. It's nonlinear. So you can't calculate where you'll be in five years or ten years or twenty years
You can't that's not possible. I've tried to do that and disappointed myself. I
worked with the director of photography who I
Think is exceptionally talented and we just kind of had a heart-to-heart conversation
This guy's a lot older than me, so he's had a lot more life experience but in that conversation
We talked about some of these sorts of things and he said to me I'm basically where you're at
You know, I'm at the I'm at the same stage trying to figure out where I'm going or what I'm gonna be doing
that was like
Such a huge revelation. I
Realized that we all go through this we all go through this
This is something that is shared by all of us in a way and that's kind of amazing. That's like a relief I feel
Such a weight lifted off myself
When I allow myself to to accept that I'm not crazy for thinking this way. A lot of us are going through this
When the day comes or if the day comes that I'm able to finally get it in my head that
I am Who I am. I am how I am I'll be able to accept that I'm doing the best I can and
There's no such thing as being behind in life that's just using a measuring stick that's wrong for you. It's a measuring stick
That's based on the success of others, which is arbitrary
It doesn't mean it has no meaning when translated into your life
And I think what I need is just reminders of that
I just need to not forget that so easy to forget
I feel like I have to remind myself every day. And I think that's why I wanted to make this
to remind myself