BLESS YOU FOR BEING HERE. THANKS FOR COMING OUT TO SIGH US
TONIGHT. WE LOVE WHEN RAY ROMANO IS HERE.
STABBED UP COMIC, COMEDY ACTOR, NOW DIRECTOR IN MOVIES, DO YOU
THINK WE'LL SEE YOU IN A SERIOUS DRAMA?
HAVE YOU GOT IT IN YOU? >> NO.
>> James: GO ON, IF YOU'RE AUDITION I FOR A BIG DRAMA, JUST
SAY, YOU NEVER LOVED ME, JOHN! >> YOU NEVER LOVED ME, JOHN!
>> James: SEE I THINK IT'S PERFECT!
I THINK THAT'S IT. WE CAN'T PUT IT OFF ANY LONGER
IT'S THAT TIME. IT'S TIME FOR, THE NEWS.
TODAY, THE U.N. SECRETARY GENERAL, ANTONIO GUTERRES, MET
WITH VLADIMIR PUTIN IN MOSCOW AND CALLED FOR AN IMMEDIATE
CEASEFIRE IN UKRAINE. IMMEDIATE CEASE FIRE.
IMAGINE IF THAT WORKED AND PUTIN WAS LIKE, "ALL YOU HAD
TO DO WAS ASK! MANNERS MATTER."
IF THE JOB DOESN'T GET DONE WITH THE U.N. SECRETARY GENERAL,
THEY'LL HAVE TO SEND IN THE U.N. SECRETARY, SPECIFIC.
THAT'S THE NEXT. THAT'S ON ME.
SORRY, I RUINED IT. >> IT'S A CLEVER JOKE.
>> James: IT'S A CLEVER JOKE AND I REALLY BALLED THAT UP.
>> THERE'S A BUNCH ON THE WAY, YOU KNOW.
>> James: I HAD HIGH HOPES FOR THAT ONE.
IS THAT ONE OF YOURS JOHN? NO, NOT ONE OF YOURS?
OKAY. I DON'T MIND RUINING YOUR JOKES.
IT'S JUST -- >> I WROTE THAT ONE.
>> James: SHOULD I TRY IT AGAIN?
>> I COULD NEVER ASK YOU TO TRY IT AGAIN BUT IF -- IF YOU FOUND
IT SOMEWHERE WITHIN YOURSELF TO DO THAT JOKE, THEN --
>> James: IF THE JOB DOESN'T GET DONE WITH THE U.N. SECRETARY
GENERAL, THEY'LL HAVE TO SEND IN THE U.N. SECRETARY SPECIFIC.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) >> MIGHT BE THE JOKE'S FAULT.
>> James: IT'S THE JOKE. NO WORD YET ON WHETHER
THE U.N. CONSIDERS THE MEETING A "SUCCESS," BUT ANY MEETING WITH
PUTIN THAT DOESN'T END WITH YOU GETTING POISONED, YOU'VE GOTTA
CHALK THAT UP AS A WIN. AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED.
AND AS A DIRECT RESULT OF RUSSIA'S AGGRESSION, SWEDEN AND
FINLAND HAVE BOTH AGREED TO SUBMIT MEMBERSHIP APPLICATIONS
TO THE NATO ALLIANCE - AS SOON AS MID-MAY.
AH, SWEDEN AND FINLAND. THE HOBBS AND SHAW OF NORTHERN
EUROPE. FINGERS CROSSED FOR FINLAND.
MY HUNCH I THINK SWEDEN IS GOING TO GET IN.
I THINK THEY'RE IN. I CAN'T THINK OF A MORE
IMPRESSIVE RESUME. ABBA,
IKEA, SWEDISH MEATBALLS, IT'S A LOCK!
AND DID EVERYONE SEE THIS? ACCORDING TO A NEW POLL
THE MAJORITY OF AMERICAN VOTERS DO NOT WANT BIDEN OR DONALD
TRUMP TO RUN AGAIN. IN FACT, 58% SAY THEY ARE OPEN
TO BACKING A MODERATE INDEPENDENT CANDIDATE IN 2024,
IF THEIR ONLY CHOICES ARE BIDEN AND TRUMP.
AGAIN, I HATE TO BRING UP 2016 BUT POLLS SAY A LOT OF THINGS.
A MAJORITY DO NOT WANT BIDEN OR TRUMP TO RUN AGAIN.
HEY, HAS EITHER PARTY THOUGHT ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF MAYBE
RUNNING A CANDIDATE THAT WASN'T ALMOST A TEENAGER WHEN THE POLIO
VACCINE WAS INVENTED? HOW ABOUT THAT?
START THERE, START THERE. >> YES.
(APPLAUSE) >> James: I DO LOVE THE IDEA
OF A THIRD PARTY CANDIDATE. I DO.
WHO FROM THE "LATE LATE SHOW" DO WE THINK COULD RUN FOR PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES, WHO WOULD BE GOOD?
REGGIE? YOU THINK REG AH, I THINK REMIE
WOULD BE GOOD, YEAH. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
>> James: I WILL SAY, KNOWING REGGIE AS I DO, THE ONLY
DRAWBACK IS THAT REGGIE ARRIVED FOR THIS TAPING, 40 SECONDS AGO.
I WORRY ABOUT THAT. WHO ELSE DO YOU THINK IAN, WHO
DO YOU THINK WOULD BE GOOD? >> I THINK THE TROUBLE WITH
TRUMP AND BIDEN THEY BOTH WANTED IT SO MUCH.
WE HAVE TO RUN WINNIE WHO ABSOLUTELY COUNTY GIVE A
(BLEEP). >> James: WOULD YOU BE INTO
IT WINNIE? >> NO I'M GOOD.
>> James: YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO BE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES? >> WOULDN'T BE GOOD.
>> James: IMAGINE WINNIE IN THE OVAL OFFICE, LIKE -- WHO DO
YOU THINK WINNIE ON THE STAFF ON THE TEAM?
>> ROBIN. >> James: I ACTUALLY
DISAGREE, I AGREE. (APPLAUSE)
>> James: WOULD YOU BE INTO IT?
>> NOT REALLIY. >> James: I THINK THIS IS
SAYING A LOT ABOUT THE STATE OF POLITICS, IT'S LOOKING FOR
SOMEONE TO BE THE PRESIDENT AND NOT ONE OF US HAS MENTIONED THE
SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT OF LATE NIGHT PROGRAMMING WEST COAST.
THE ONLY PERSON WITH PRESIDENT IN HIS JOB TITLE HAS BEEN
OVERLOOKED BY ALL OF US. WOULD YOU RUN NICK?
WOULD YOU DO IT? >> I BARELY WANT TO BE HERE!
(APPLAUSE) >> James: AND WE WANTED TO
SHOW ENTHUSE. DENTAL STUDENTS IN TOKYO HAVE
BEGUN PRACTICING EMERGENCY MEDICAL PROCEDURES ON A ROBOT TO
LOOK LIKE A GIRL IN PAIN. HERE IS ACTION.
THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! (APPLAUSE)
>> James: THAT THING IS SO CREEPY I'M JUST SO HAPPY TO SEE
DENTISTS BEING THE PEOPLE WHO ARE TERRIFIED FOR A CHANGE.
THE STUDENTS WORKING WITH THE DOLLS HAVE LEARNED A LOT, MAINLY
THE THEY DON'T WANT TO BE DENTISTS ANYMORE.
AND FINALLY KFC HAS ANNOUNCE ID A RATHER UNIQUE GIFT FOR
MOTHER'S DAY. IT'S CALLED, "THE KENTUCKY FRIED
BUCK-QUET." IT'S A BOUQUET THAT IS HALF
FLOWERS, HALF FRIED CHICKEN. HERE IT IS HERE;
I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THAT. IT'S THE GIFT THAT SAYS
"MOM, I LOVE YOU, ALSO CAN I BORROW SOME MONEY?"
IT'S A BOUQUET THAT IS HALF FLOWERS AND HALF FRIED CHICKEN.
WHICH WOULD BE THE PERFECT GIFT IF THEY COMBINED MOTHER'S DAY
AND FATHER'S DAY INTO ONE SINGLE HOLIDAY.
(APPLAUSE) >> James: YOU DON'T LIKE
THAT, YOU'RE NOT INTO THAT? >> IT'S TWO WONDERFUL THINGS
TURNED INTO (BLEEP). >> James: I WILL SAY THIS.
T IS A LOT BETTER
GIFT FROM ARBY'S; THE MEATSTICK LIPSTICK.
(LAUGHTER) >> James: ARE WE EVEN ALLOWED
TO SHOW THAT ON CBS? YOU THINK SO?
WELL, AND THAT'S THE NEWS!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, EVERYBODY. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ WE'RE GOING TO BE
RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE MESSAGES, LIKE YOU KNOW A COUPLE OF OTHER
MESSAGES WE'VE HEARD BEFORE. SEE YOU SOON.