(Nora) Oh, shit!
420, gang-gang! It's good-good.
How you doing, Teddy?
Hey, Nora.
Man, your parents got you on trash duty, too?
What a suck fest.
I'm like, can I get a off day?
Aren't you like 27?
You need help buying liquor? No.
Oh. No, no.
I'm taking my SATs next week.
Oh, man. (chuckles)
I hate the SATs.
Yeah, um, you know,
they're pretty important, though.
You know, if I get a good enough score,
I can get into a top college
and go to law school
and hopefully pursue my dream of being a sports attorney.
(inhales, exhales) Yeah, see, you already know
what you're gonna do when you grow up?
Of course. I don't wanna end up
like one of those losers who just lives
with their parents at home and floats through life
like a townie log.
(laughing) Cig burned it.
'Cause that's the-- Do you dab?
You into dab? No, no.
It's a Teva. It's daytime.
I'm fine, but thank you, Nora.
(sighs) Sad.
(coughing)
Nora, I want to show you someth.
Yeah.
Oh, what's-- What's that?
This is a picture of my vagina
after my hysterectomy. Okay.
This is what happens when you get old.
Good thing is that you still young.
And more important, your vagina's still young.
Right.
I've always been into country.
Love Miranda Lambert.
Think she's super talented.
Celebrity threesomes.
Mm, probably Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman.
'Cause I've always wanted to be the tall one.
(music, bell dinging)
I had a full row of teeth
behind a second full row of teeth.
Bite into a piece of matzah,
the whole thing would disintegrate, man.
Could you step out of the car please?
(sighs) I'm not wearing pants.
What do you-- What?
I like to sleep with--
just feeling the surface underneath.
You gotta step outta the car.
You're being towed. I'm just shy, you know?
So just-- if you could just...
Oh, absolutely.
(engine starts)
(metal grinding) Fuck!
(grinding continues)
What is that? That's a boot.
Ohh!
Nope, not today.
Can I ride with you? No!
Do you have pants?
Heyo, wow.
Hey. Hi.
Can I get you something to drink?
Oh, that's all right. I just got lost in there.
Somewhere in the deep blues.
Are they green or are they blue?
Thanks. Yeah, okay.
Can I-- can I get you a drink?
Yes, yes, um,
how much is a Mountain Dew tequila?
Everything's free.
Was that-- what, really?
Yeah, as long as you're playing, everything's free.
Then I will be playin', right?
Mountain Dew tequila. Yes.
And if you want one...
You know, I'm good. Okay.
Right.
My baby!
(angelic choir) Yeah!
My sweet baby!
Yes? Oh!
I'm sorry. I didn't see you...
come out from there. Can I help you?
Yeah, I'm just here actually to--
to get my car out of prison.
Number 3-4-0-2.
Um, so sorry, I'm a little sweaty.
I just walked all the way from Elmhurst.
I don't have sweat glands.
Oh. Everything just stays inside me.
Oh. Every day is a nightmare.
'Kay. Is your car your baby?
No. Did you birth it?
N-No, I-I bought-- Um, you know,
I just wanted to... bail my car out.
Do-- Do you-- Do you accept checks?
We don't accept checks.
Why? Because!
Checks are annoying.
I have to put it in a ledger,
fill out a ton of paperwork.
I don't got the time for that.
I've got a lot going on.
Do you wanna hang out sometime?
I-I can't. I just-- I can't.
Uh, I can't do it. Anyway, um...
Oh my.
It's like a Supreme drop, am I right?
So, uh, what are you in for?
I just got married and I have to change the name on my card.
So, marriage, huh?
What's that like,
taking on your husband's name and wearin' it for life?
I mean, where did feminism go, right? I mean...
My wife and I are changing our last names to Timberlake...
because we are big fans.
'Kay?
Okay.
What is his issue, dude?
It's obvious.
He needs to bury the snake in the bush.
Yeah, exactly.
He needs to take his baggage
and he needs to just bury it in his past.
Oh, no, no. I meant throw a log in the fire.
Park the bus in tuna town.
Play mattress Macarena.
Okay. Get it?
I have to go, Grandma. I'm gonna go.
♪ Ay, Macarena ♪
Edmund, what are you doing in town again?
Oh, uh...
I am...
just here to...
He's getting his taint bleached...
and styled.
The rim of his asshole, it's a different color.
And he didn't wanna tell anybody,
especially his parents because it's embarrassing.
So... (Wally) Wow.
...don't tell them, okay, because, you know,
this is between us and his taint.
Of course.
Well, we support that, Edmund. Thank you very much.
I'm just getting really into self-care.
So I'm doing the hole and the rim. Mm...
Self-care, I heard about that.
(Nora) Is it one of those things
where you can like go to work right after?
You can sit down. You just can't like
change your center of gravity
to be lower than your belly button.
(Nora) So you can't squat?
No.
Do you remember when we used to play "Garage Band 2"?
"Rock Band 2." "Rock Band 2," yes!
I was doing "expert,"
and you couldn't even do "medium bass."
(chuckling) Yeah, that was fun.
You were cute. You're cute now.
Right now? Yeah.
Stop. I'm not even cute right now.
Yeah, no. I'm not.
I am so fucking ugly right now.
No, I like this.
This is like kinda Spooky Spice. Yeah?
Yo, I should check out what this dude is doing.
But it was good seeing you.
Yeah, it was so good seeing you.
Yeah, yeah, um, hit me up.
I would love to hit you up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, on Facebook Messenger.
Just Facebook Messenger?
Uh, yeah, I don't have data on my phone right now.
I'm actually on an iPod Touch.
Oh. Yeah.
I'll see you. Catch you.
Sir!
Sir, could you get back here?
(coughs)
Hey Nora.
Hey.
Doug. Melanie, it's been a while.
It's been a minute.
It's awkward because you guys used to...
In the back of my Altima.
We did much more than scissor.
Right, Doug? Right. Right.
That is until you met Lisa, you fuck!
Don't, don't hit me. Not here, not here.
(speaking Spanish) Hey!
(both shouting)
I gotta go. I'll hit you later, all right?
(shouting in Spanish)
Tell him, girl.
(shouting in Spanish)
Anyway, uh, do you have the trumpet?
Oh, yes, I do.
Here we go.
Had her since fourth grade.
(phone rings)
(plastic crumpling)
(queef)
(whispers) What was that? What was it?
(queefs) It's me!
It's me.
(queef)
What the fuck?!
You're perfect.
Really good. So perfect.
So, uh... (Rat Lung) You're perfect.
(both moaning, kissing)
So I'm just gonna get outta here and skedaddle.
It's-- it's late.
(queefs)
(Rat Lung) Wait. What was that?
Must've been something...
Things have been caught-- Maybe this moth's here.
Think it's that moth there.
Give it a little water. Um... (clears throat)
Melanie and Mr. Rat Lung.
(queefs)
It's-- it's you. How-- how did you do that?
It wasn't... It was a non...
It wasn't...
I think it came from your pants.
No! No. It's... (queefs)
Oh... No, I didn't... from there.
You also work in IT, huh?
No honey, no.
I just say that on my profile to get more matches.
I'm actually a waste water inspector.
Okay, cool.
So you're paying, right?
Sure.
I hope they have almond milk here.
Love me some almond milk.
Me too...
Brenda!
Wally, hey.
You know, I was just thinking about you?
Yeah? Yeah, I was throwing some pottery
and there was something in the e
that made me think about your f.
(chuckles) Oh, that's nice.
Oh, oh. I'm sorry, I don't want to interrupt.
Oh, it's just a noncomittal cof.
But she pronouces "almond milk" like "ayal-mond milk"
Oh I hate that, yeah.
This online dating thing sucks.
I'm terrible at it. Me too, me too...
Well, good luck. You too.
Okay.
She...
Yeah...
So, long story short I lost 200 pounds
and all this residual skin is just weighing me down.
You look great.
Your dad followed me on Instagram.
Holy shit! What?
Look.
So?
(screaming, gagging)
Uncle Penis! Uncle Penis! Uncle Penis!
It's a damn penis!
(both stammering, gasping)
Why would you show it to me?!
He must've accidentally posted it
and just didn't see the mirror behind him.
(gasps) It has like 200 likes
which proportionately doesn't make sense
because he has 17 followers.
We need to delete that thing.
He-- he's gonna become a meme.
Y'all ready for this?
"Scrubr" is an app that can change the world
"by using micro-patterns compiled from each
"binary-based representation of a pixel
"or local binary pattern or a patented LBP,
"we can run the image through our neural network
"and this outputs a set of measurements
"that serve as a unique...
"identifier.
Send nudes? More like unsend nudes."
You know, I'm just gonna... (stammering)
I'm just gonna start over and, um, oh! Okay.
Leg cramp. Leg cramp.
(Edmund snorts) Oh, my God, I'm burning up.
It's like I'm on--
It's like I'm on the beach in Mykonos.
Oh, my God.
You're sweating very profusely right now.
(sniffs) Do you smell that?
It smells like turmeric.
(whispers) What is wrong with him?
I don't know.
Okay. (inhales, then exhales) (flatulence)
Oh... (sniffs)
Mm... Mm...
I'll leave you with this.
We're all born the same way--
naked and screaming. Thank you so much.
(whispering indistinctly)
That's good, right? Had a good flow.
Had a good... structure.
Yeah. Yeah.
No notes?
I'm good. Mm...
Good.
(fighting retching)
Oh... Oh...
Yo, yo, yo!
Oh, dumplings.
You're all thinking about my dick now, aren't you?
No! Get over it.
It's a dick.
Wally!
Ma?
Is this rehab?
Oh, I knew you were on drugs.
What is it?
Meth, shrooms...? No. Ma!
Ice, horse? Ma.
Crack, dabs?
If you say opium... What?
...I will slap the yellow out of you.
Ma! What are you doing here?
I'm glad that you're getting help
from all these other losers.
But why didn't you come to
Ma... this isn't rehab.
It's a support group for single parents!
Oh, but you have that weird spoon.
And the other night with all that screaming.
I was on a date, okay?
With Brenda!
I thought we weren't allowed to date in the group.
Oh, Toby... no.
All right, Tom, I'm gonna get real with you.
I never should have hired that marketing idiot
to throw me this bullshit launch party.
And I never should have lied to you about
the money or the subscribers or how successful I was...
or wasn't. Don't worry.
I still believe in you.
Everything's gonna be all right.
Oh!
(banging) (Tom groaning)
♪♪
(Edmund sobbing) (siren wailing)
(sobbing continues)
(sniffing) Ahh!
Ah! Grace!
What the hell?
I'm so sorry to scare you.
You weren't picking up your calls,
so I come to check on you.
Did you change my clothes?
Yes, I did. You fell asleep wearing jeans.
Okay, Grace, if this is gonna work out
between you and I, you can't be coming
into my house and changing me while I'm asleep.
It's too much.
I'm sorry I fail you.
You didn't-- you didn't fail.
(sobbing, speaking foreign language)
No, no, no. (continues speaking in foreign language)
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
(sobbing) Here, have some dried squid.
You like dried squid?
Yeah. Dried squid?
Mm-hmm. Thank you.
You're welcome, Grace.
Don't... don't...
I love you, Nora. (sobbing)
Do you want to eat this with me?
Yes, I'll eat some with you.
Okay, I can feed you too.
Okay, shh, that's not necessary.
Hey, hey. Huh?
(speaking foreign language)
(shushing)
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. I can hear you guys, you know.
(speaking foreign language)
I
I can
So... The erhous work.
Oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Ohh!
Wait, let me get this straight.
I get this entire corner office
and I don't have to work?
That is correct. Damn.
What is it?
It's awesome is what it is, crazy girl!
Come on in! All right.
You know, in America this would be, like,
mm, inappropriate for the workplace.
(chuckling) Lucky we in China.