What?
My minions failed to write an episode on evil lackeys!
Very well.
I shall have to do it myself.
How else will I prepare a proper welcome for the heroes?
That’s right.
TWA is finally tackling one of my favorite subjects, Evil Lackeys.
Also known as mooks, henchmen, goons, minions, their names may vary, but the villain needs
some bodies to throw at their problems, warm or otherwise.
Maybe even literary.
And the heroes need some enemies to fight.
So summon the dread legions as TWA begins the march of the mooks.
Now henchmen help the story achieve two primary objectives:
Objective 1: Make the villains look like a threat.
Objective 2: Make the heroes look awesome when they defeat the villains.
A writer need only concern themselves with Objective 2, making the heroes look awesome.
Now some writers may point out that failing at Objective 1: Making the villains look like
a threat, will also result in the story failing Objective 2.
Because heroes are only as good as the villains they face.
But my heroes are so awesome that I simply don’t have to worry about that.
And I’m not just saying that because the protagonist is my pet character!
A writer is completely free to treat all mooks as an afterthought compared to the hero doing
cool things and being awesome as they defeat them!
As such, an important feature for henchmen when designing them is to make them stupid.
Like soooo stupid.
Like there are more ways for goons to be stupid than there are stars in the sky so I had to
instead list a few ways they could be smart instead.
That way a writer would know what to avoid.
Things like: Using basic tactics, like teaming up to attack
all at once.
Locking shields into a formation.
A basic flanking maneuver.
Fire, suppress, and then flank.
Operate in a basic fireteam.
Clear a room first with grenades.
Use cover, like at all.
Mixing in mages to the ranks to cover infantry with magic.
Actually using their magic in combat.
Actually using their magic for anything.
Falling back to regroup and then counterattacking.
Sticking together so they won’t get picked off one at a time.
Calling in artillery support.
Calling in magic support.
Calling in overwhelming reinforcements.
Using an organized retreat when they’ve realized they occupy an untenable position.
Fortifying their position.
Utilize probing attacks to scout for a weak point in enemy’s defenses.
Deploy skirmishers to soften the enemy up.
Grind the enemy down with attrition while rotating in fresh troops to keep the up pressure.
Or just anything other than charging at the nearest hero while snarling like an animal.
The minions have to be really stupid that way they are easy to write and I don’t have
to think about them that much.
Basically they are at the level of a prop.
Should a writer explain why the villain’s lackeys are so stupid?
Does the Dark Lord not want them thinking too much?
Are any competent mooks weeded out during the selection process?
I don’t worry about that.
All I know is that I can now write my henchmen without having to worry about things normal
people might have like a self-preservation instinct or basic pattern recognition.
Oh, hey look, that guy who looks like Bruce Lee had a child with a bulldozer literately
just smashed through a freaking steel and concrete building like it was made out of
foam.
And he just made people explode by lightly poking them.
Yeah, we better attack him one at time while grinning like we just found an easy mark.
Oh no!
All the mooks exploded!
Just like the last five hundred thugs who fought him.
Have the minions improve and refine their tactics with each battle as they learn more
and more about the hero’s abilities as well as the hero’s limitations?
Change it up by trying something new?
Roll out new weapons, equipment, and/or magic abilities to take the heroes by surprise?
Nope.
They should stick to doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different
results.
No need to add a sense of escalation that would keep team good guys on their toes and
force them to adapt or lose the arms race.
The heroes don’t need to think to defeat their foe anyways, they can do that by just
being super awesome and cool!
Besides, the henchmen are still human so they will make mistakes.
Mistakes happen and that makes it okay to let the goons make the same mistakes over
and over again giving the heroes basically infinite free lucky breaks out of any pinch.
The goons will never think, because that might mean I have to think!
I would rather use my story’s minion stupidity as an excuse to breeze through the plot without
having to put a lot of legwork to make the bad guys actually look like a credible threat
rather than a Three Stooges skit.
I’m sure the audience will just overlook the fact that the villains keep letting the
heroes win with their incompetence rather than the heroes winning through their competence.
Have the minions play it smart only for the heroes to outsmart them?
Where’s the power fantasy in that?
I would rather coast my way through the story on easy mode rather than deal with something
as pointless as narrative tension.
Yes my mooks will not actually be a credible threat thanks to their stupidity, but I can
cheat my way past that too by at least making them look like a threat!
How will I do this?
By telling the audience how big of threat they are of course, not by actually showing
them.
The Dark Lord’s Vile Legions are unstoppable!
Proclaims the Guard Captain right before the Vile Legions are vanquished by the heroes
as an afterthought.
Now we can return to more important things like the catty fight between the two double
H cup elf girls over who likes the protagonist more.
Could I have shown the Vile Legions defeating Sir Brave and his order of previously shown
to be quite formidable knights?
What about a quick scene showing the mighty armies of men and elves driven before the
unstoppable might of the Dread Lord and his elite forces?
What about something more involved like the Vile Legions dividing up the forces of light
and defeating each group in detail until only the heroes remain and leaving team good guys
heavily outnumbered and the ropes?
Nope.
Not even the mightiest of the Dark Lord’s elite soldiers can stand up to the Protagonist
and his fan club of top-heavy supermodels.
All other characters are just there to watch how amazing the protagonist is, not to give
the audience a good sense of how powerful the evil minions are.
Actually, do my villain’s mooks ever do anything remotely threatening?
I mean that the audience actually sees.
Do we ever see the Cabal of the Red Blade kill an even single royal?
What about a City Guard Captain?
A merchant?
Step on bug?
Have I done a single thing the entire story to sell these guys as a credible threat to
anyone so the audience won’t be left wondering if the heroes just killed a bunch of Assassin’s
Creed cosplayers by accident?
If I am unwilling to spare even a single second to show the minions doing something evil or
menacing can I at least have the heroes come across the evil lackeys’ handiwork?
Please.
I can’t be bothered with that!
I’ve spent twenty pages describing the courier's hat, there isn’t room to establish the villains
as a credible threat through the actions of the bad guy’s rank and file soldiers.
There isn’t even enough time to show the goons hassling some innocent people.
All grand acts of villainy are reserved for the story’s central antagonist.
Also, all the small acts as well.
Sorry, minions.
There isn’t a lot of dark deeds to go around and the Dark Lord gets dibs for what little
there is.
Now a major antagonist is free to do the truly vile acts that drive the story like blowing
up planets, genocide, enslaving all creation to his will, and so on.
However, the scale of such acts tend to not have much of an emotional impact on the audience
since it’s hard to care about the destruction of Planet Backdrop and its population of twenty
billion background extras who we never get to meet.
Does this mean that this is a prime opportunity to use the Evil Empire’s forces to drive
home just how evil the empire is by showing the audience up close its destructive and
corrupt practices at a personal level?
Like showing how Imperial Troopers make the lives of every planet they occupy worse for
everyone?
Showing the small ways evil systems destroy the lives of sympathetic named characters
could do way more to establish why the bad guys are bad than large scale impersonal atrocities
ever could.
It could even show the tip of the iceberg of the very system the villains used to keep
in power allowing the audience to extrapolate the vast scale of the monumental problem the
heroes now face in combating such a system.
Like how the evil empire enslaves people.
Oh wait.
No.
I can’t do that.
That might make my hero look bad after he buys a hot, busty slave a girl and just keeps
her.
Yeah!
Gonna just sweep that one under the rug there.
It’s not like having most of the goons’ villainy occur off-screen will lead to a dark
future where I have to put up with Evil Empire apologists and deniers plaguing my video recommended
feeds.
Or also lead to fans rooting for the evil empire because they find the heroes boring.
Besides, if I want to up the threat level I’ll just add some elite variations of the
mooks.
Will they prove a deadly and cunning foe that finally puts the heroes on the back foot?
Do their skills allow them to meet the heroes head on and fight them on equal terms forcing
the heroes to adapt in order to barely eke out a victory?
Well no.
They still get slaughtered in droves, but at least they have the word “elite” in
their title plus they get a slightly snazzier uniform.
If they are effective, then don’t worry, I’m sure they’ll vanish after the whole
“hero being captured arc” is done never to be seen again.
But hey, at least their uniforms were cool to look at while it lasted.
Speaking of uniforms!
Evil minions always get snazzy uniforms.
Franchises have been built on this.
Only tryhards though waste their time going the extra mile with stuff like having distinct
officer uniforms, fleshing out ranks and insignias, and adding variations based on combat role.
Also, writers must base these uniforms on Nazis.
Specifically the SS.
No exceptions.
We will have order!
Not creativity in fiction.
Now basing their antagonist’s uniforms on Nazis is fine since they are the go-to villains
for a reason.
Just remember that this is mandatory and that a writer should ignore the massive amount
of historical empires, nation states, cultures, and kingdoms throughout history as potential
sources of inspiration.
Just like a writer is free to ignore giving the mooks any kind of characterization.
Yes, they are background characters who play only bit roles at best, which means that a
writer is free to ignore them and not try to squeeze out any amount of characterization
no matter how small when they can.
For example, back to the uniforms, the author could note how disheveled the minion’s uniforms
look now that the heroes and their allies are closing in on the bad guy’s main base
after bad guys suffer a series of losses.
Or that their uniforms look too big and don’t fit right on the teenagers they are pressing
into service as the villains run low on manpower on the eve of their last stand.
Details like that might add a nice touch, but I would rather conserve those details
for describing the curvaceous body of love interest #10463.
A writer doesn’t even have to bother with characterizing the lackeys when the heroes
overhear them talking.
Just have the mooks info dump like everyone else in the story, not express an opinion
on their situation.
Just gloss over or outright ignore small opportunities for characterization rather than keep an eye
out for them and you should be fine.
Which is more than I can say for the minions themselves because their boss has implemented
a zero tolerance policy for failure.
Failure in this case even extending to things like giving the Dark Lord an accurate assessment
of his current situation so he can make an informed decision.
In fact, the henchman's boss typically kills more people on his own side than the enemy.
Can this be used to showcase the evilness of the story’s primary antagonist?
Of course.
Which is why the writer can do this as many times as they want and the audience will never
start to wonder why anyone would follow the Dark Lord when his primary reward for pretty
much everything seems to be death, including the retirement package.
See, he controls them through fear!
Does the Dark Lord kill off and reward minions at random to maintain this climate of fear
while keeping everyone off balance?
No.
That would make my main antagonist look like he’s using the standard issue cult playbook
and I was going for more of a ‘who the hell put this guy in charge’ kind of playbook
instead.
Exploring how hierarchies of evil function and keep their members in line isn’t worth
analyzing in depth.
It’s not like people need to be warned about that in real life.
This means that writers are free to ignore why the goons decided working for a guy named
Killface Mc.Deathdealer sounded like a good employment opportunity.
Still, as bad as their boss is, our poor mooks fare even worse at the hands of the good guys!
Even Killface Mc.Deathdealer gets a second chance because killing him would make the
hero no better.
The lives of lackeys though don’t count as their death carries no morale weight.
Yes, even if they are a feeling thinking fully sapient individual capable of choosing between
good and evil.
No mercy for them.
Wow.
And right after the hero just gave a heroic speech about the sanctity of life.
See it’s okay for the heroes to dehumanize and kill the villain's lackeys because they
were evil and dehumanized people so they could kill them.
It’s wrong to arbitrarily exclude people from being human to justify murdering them
and those who do this are no longer human so the heroes are fully justified in killing
them.
I mean it’s not like I’m asking for much here.
I don’t need the heroes to agonize over killing Imperial Trooper #7235 or anything.
Kill them to stop their vile acts or self-defense, but don’t pretend as though every evil action
these people take makes them not human when being human encompasses the ability to chose
evil.
Call them monsters if you must, but never deny the evil of the human heart and acknowledge
your foe’s humanity even if it’s only cursory.
Oh.
No wait.
That gets in the way of the power fantasy.
Never mind then.
Kill the mooks all you want.
Make it as brutal as possible.
Threat their bodies like a slab of meat to be torn apart even if it comes at the cost
of tone and makes the heroes look like sadists.
It’s important to teach the audience that it’s okay to be casual with death, due process
is for losers, and that murder can solve all of society’s problems.
Besides, the villainous lackeys the heroes capture are in for a worse time.
The heroes will torture the poor henchman for information on the Dark Lord’s true
plan.
Ah!
Good guys and torture, it’s like peanut butter and jelly.
Do the heroes at least fret over the ethics of torture?
No because they’ll be too busy enjoying it without a second thought.
Actually, under torture is the only time in the story that the lackey gets to actually
give information that proves effective.
Then once the heroes tire of the henchman’s tortured screams only then do they allow them
the sweat release of death.
Never does it occur to the minion to lie while being tortured nor does it occur to the heroes
to offer the lackey a better deal than whatever Killface Mc.Deathdealer was paying them.
Better to utilize torture because not only does it always work it’s also 100% accurate.
And if anyone disagrees then just torture them until they change their mind.
Now that we’ve tortured and murdered our poor mooks, it’s time to strip them of what
little dignity they have left.
That’s right!
I’m going to turn them into comic relief!
The most important thing about making villainous henchmen into comic relief is taking into
account how it will affect the tone.
Comic relief minions can fit in perfectly with a comedic story so I’m sure they’ll
just fit right in my more serious story as well.
Remember that Objective 1: Making the villains seem like a threat, can never be undermined
by their near constant bumbling of even the most simple tasks.
Does the Dark Lord punish all failure with death?
Well not the comic relief minions even though sometimes the audience really wishes he would.
I’m sure the audience can’t get enough of these silly lackeys and their zany antics
so I’ll just overload every scene that features the villains with their constant presence.
Now they can undermine the Dark Lord’s drama and menace as much as they undermine his efforts
at world domination.
And then they’ll ruin my Facebook feed too.
Unrealized potential…
Is something that writers shouldn’t worry about especially when it comes to the villain’s
mooks.
Even lackeys who don’t serve the Dark Lord like bandits should never get any detail at
all.
No banners or even a name.
They get nothing to make it feel like they are a part of the world and not just props
to make the heroes look cool or a speed bump to slow down the plot’s pacing.
They exist to get to wiped out and don’t even give enough XP for the heroes to level
up or any decent loot.
Even minions who serve the primary antagonist just vanish when he’s defeated.
If they’re lucky, they might get a sentence in the epilogue, but I wouldn’t hold your
breath.
A writer’s love will show through their work as will their neglect.
But since mooks are basically props, it’s okay to neglect them.
Small details like that are unimportant even if they do add immersion and make the world
feel alive.
By denying the lackey’s a perspective and refusing to explore their stories at even
a cursory level a writer is free to indulge in wish fulfillment and make the whole world
revolve around their self-insert instead.
Did I say self insert?
Sorry.
I meant protagonist.
Then when no one likes my story I can blame my minions for its failure.
And they have failed me for the last time!
ANNOUNCER: And were back!
With opening statements out of the way, we can start with the first question for each
candidate tonight.
What is your primary platform?
Let’s start with Ex-General Chainsaw.
GENERAL: Platform?
We do have M-2809 VWAP, that’s Versatile Weapons Attack Platform.
Mount a couple of 200 mm railguns on that sucker and you can take out Kaijui at 20 clicks.
GREED: He means political platform, you idiot.
GENERAL: Oh.
Well.
Uh.
See.
I’m all about war.
I love war!
There’s all these awesome explosions and cool looking weapons.
It’s glorious.
Brings a tear to my eye.
That’s what Federation needs!
More war.
War for everyone!
The Federation’s problem is that they keep losing their wars!
Just like the last President who declared war on poverty.
And then somehow he lost even though the poor people couldn’t even afford weapons to fight
back!
Shameful!
If that had been me I would have slaughtered those poor people in the streets!
ANNOUNCER: Mr. Inner Greed?
What is your platform?
GREED: Greed good.
Opponent bad!
CONSPIRACY GUY: Crap.
Greed’s totally going to win…
GENERAL: That’s it?
GREED: It really is that simple.
Can you really trust my opponent?
Look at him!
He’s barely animated.
GENERAL: Well that’s not fair!
So what I don’t have snazzy animations like you?
You are going to destroy the entire TWA Expanded universe!
GREED: I would accuse you of making a strawman argument if you didn’t resemble a strawman
yourself with how stiff your movements are.
GENERAL: GRRRR…
GREED: Citizens of the Federation.
Fear not.
Yes the TWA expanded universe will end, but to make way for something greater!
Under my leadership the people of the Federation will join me on Nebula!
Thanks to the nature of YouTube, the TWA Expanded universe will soon be mined out and depleted.
As a platform its corporate imposed limitations are stifling.
It’s time to move on.
That is where Nebula comes in.
Nebula is a streaming platform built by YouTubers, podcasters, and other creatives.
A platform where we are free to experiment with content that hasn’t been sanitized
or made to appease a machine algorithm.
Like Tale Foundry’s Nebula Original Worldsmiths that dives into the history of some of fiction’s
most famous worldbuilders.
Some content creators have even migrated completely over to Nebula.
That’s where Lindsay Ellis disappeared off too.
She’s been making more Lord of the Rings videos.
Singing up using my link also gets you free access to Nebula Classes where the Creators
on Nebula can teach you the tricks of being a creator.
For example, Tom, the mind behind Like Stories of Old, who has a story analysis course.
Devin Stone AKA Legaleagle’s course of lawyering.
Or Thomas Frank’s business 101 for Creators.
Use my link to get a discounted annual plan at $30 a year.
That’s only $2.50 a month.
You would be supporting the channel and getting exclusive access to early Ad free TWA videos.
And that’s on top of getting free access to Nebula Classes.
Link in the description as always.
GREED: Or you can stick with the General here and enjoy endless war and the demonetization
it brings.
GENERAL: Of course everyone loves war.
Like Private Joe Bonham over there.
GENERAL: See!
He loves it!
And that’s what I’m going to give everyone!
Ha!
And they said politics is hard.