- Hey everybody, today we're going to talk about
manipulation, and how to know if it's happening to you.
But before we jump into that, are you new to my channel?
Welcome; I release videos on Mondays and on Thursdays,
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so that you don't miss out.
Now let's jump into today's topic
and let's start by defining the term manipulation.
Because, I find that people use it all the time,
and I just want to ensure that we are all
talking and thinking about the very same thing.
Now, to manipulate is to control or play upon
by artful, unfair, or insidious means,
especially to one's own advantage.
And I'd also like to consider what it means
when use the term manipulation
when it comes to objects, not people.
Like if I was going to manipulate some clay with my hands,
I am shaping it in a way that pleases or serves me.
So hopefully that gives you like another idea
of what the term manipulation truly means.
Now that we've defined the term manipulation,
let's get into how we can tell
if we are being manipulated by someone else.
And first and foremost, it's a feeling we can get.
Like, have you ever just felt
like something was off with someone?
Or the way that they interacted with you
was just a little weird?
Maybe you felt pressure by them
to do things that you don't really wanna do.
Or you find yourself questioning your memory or perception
more than usual.
Those are all red flags that could indicate
that you're being manipulated.
Now that rolls into my very first warning sign,
that you question yourself a lot.
Remember that video I did a while ago about gaslighting?
Well, gaslighting is a form of manipulation
in which a person will tell you
that the way you remembered something,
an experience, a situation, is completely incorrect.
Or that the experience you swear you had
never really happened.
They will psychologically manipulate us
to the point where we can feel
like we can't even trust ourselves or our own mind.
It can make you think that you've gone completely crazy.
So if you find yourself having to
defend your own memory of things,
or questioning yourself more than usual,
it could be a sign that you're being manipulated.
Red flag number two: if you feel guilty or bad all the time,
no matter what you do, it never seems to please them.
They are always upset, disappointed,
or blaming you for something.
This can get so bad that we may even feel
like we are walking on eggshells around them.
They may even play with our emotions,
telling us how hard things have been for them,
and that they wouldn't ask us to do this
if they had any other option.
You can also feel scared a lot,
because they are coercing you into doing things
that you really don't wanna do.
And when you go and do that thing, you may be scared
that you'll get caught or hurt while doing it.
And that's why it's so important to pay attention
to how you feel around people in your life.
Do you feel happy, safe, free, and relaxed?
Or scared, guilty, and obligated?
Start paying attention, so you can protect yourself
from anyone who may be trying to manipulate you.
Red flag number three, as I've kind of
briefly discussed in the others,
is that they'll somehow get you to do things
that you wouldn't normally do.
People who manipulate others will often start
by asking you to do a small favor for them,
and work up to asking you for bigger and bigger things.
They could first just ask you
to lie to your boss about where they went, you know,
just this once, and tell you that they had an emergency.
And you wouldn't normally lie,
but it's only this once, and it's for a good reason.
Their asks could build up slowly and slowly
until you're engaging in things
that you would never have done before.
They can also gaslight you
in conjunction with this warning sign
in order to get you to do what they want.
So again, it's important to notice
how often you are questioning
your own recollection of a situation.
Oh, and not all manipulators will start with a small ask.
Some will ask you for a big, huge, ridiculous favor,
knowing that you will say no,
only to then hit you up for something smaller.
Because they made such an outrageous ask the first time,
we are even more likely to say yes
to the smaller ask afterwards,
even if it's something that we really don't want to do
or aren't comfortable doing.
Red flag number four: they put you down
as often as they can.
It could be how you dress, or what restaurant you picked.
Anything they can criticize, they will.
Just like the favors they ask, this usually starts small,
and builds up until they're pretty much bullying us.
Since most of us don't have
the best or most positive self talk,
it can be easy for us to agree with them,
or to become extremely self conscious as a result.
Slowly but surely we will lose our own self confidence
and feel less empowered to stand up for ourselves,
which can only make the manipulation worse.
Because of that, master manipulators
will often do this first, as a way of ensuring
their control over us more long-term.
So make sure that the people in your life
are speaking kindly to you, and lifting you up.
Not taking cheap shots, and putting you down
whenever they feel like it.
And the fifth and final red flag
that you may be being manipulated
is emotional blackmail.
Now, I find this form of manipulation
isn't talked about as often, and that could be
because it's not happening as frequently.
Or what I suspect, is that people
don't even know it's happening,
and they get too wrapped up in the moment
to consider that they're being used.
Emotional blackmail is when someone states
that they will kill themself if you leave,
or they will die if you break up with them
or if you happen to leave them.
They use this threat as a way to control you,
and to get them to do what they want.
I personally see this online a lot
when people reach out to celebrities,
or even other YouTubers,
saying they'll kill themselves if they don't respond.
But this happens in real life as well,
and they do this in order to keep you under their control,
and make you feel guilty or shameful
if you don't cater your life towards their needs.
Now this form of manipulation is very toxic,
and should be completely avoided at all costs,
if you're able to, because no one's wellbeing
is completely your responsibility.
We're all responsible for ourselves,
our choices, and our life.
Now, I could keep talking about
more and more red flags of manipulation all day,
but what's really important is how we can
get out of it and save ourselves.
So let's get into what we can do.
Now first, if you are ever feeling manipulated
or hurt by someone you're in a relationship with,
know that you don't have to continue that relationship.
And if it's not safe, you don't even
have to tell them why.
But you can, and I do recommend,
trying to talk to them, if it's safe.
But if it's not, don't do it.
Just know that you deserve to have relationships
that are filled with joy, love,
and mutual respect, not manipulation.
Now my first tip is to get into therapy.
If someone has been putting us down,
making us feel responsible for their wellbeing,
or getting us to do things that
we really didn't want to do,
it's going to take some healing.
And we need to do that healing in a safe place
where no one else will hear about it
and there isn't any judgment.
Now since manipulation can lead us
to doing things we didn't want to do,
the shame and embarrassment we may feel
can make therapy really, really hard,
but also very necessary.
We are going to have to heal from
any possible trauma we sustained,
but also help us relearn how to speak kindly to ourselves,
and trust ourselves again.
So be patient with this process.
You weren't manipulated in one day,
so healing is going to take more than one day as well.
Number two, boundaries.
I'm sure you know this one was coming,
but boundaries are so important in all of our relationships.
There are things that we will be okay with,
and other things we won't be comfortable with.
And learning how to recognize what's okay and not okay
can take some time.
So start being more mindful of how you feel,
when you feel uncomfortable,
or pushed to do something you don't wanna do.
And know that it's okay to say no.
You can practice this in therapy,
and even spend time with your therapist
talking through scenarios,
and whether or not you think that they are okay for you.
And yes I know, setting up healthy boundaries
is going to take practice, so be open to it
being a trial and error sort of process as we get used to
feeling out what's okay for us and what's not.
Because we might not have any idea to start off with,
and that's okay, that's what a therapist
and supportive friends and family are for.
Number three, giving yourself time to make decisions.
Manipulative people will often
try to get us to sign contracts, purchase things right now,
or make plans that can't be changed
in that very same moment.
So giving yourself time to consider
what you're signing up for,
and ask any questions you may have,
can prevent you from getting sucked into
something that you don't want to be a part of.
And so know that you can take a breather.
You can think about it.
You can get back to them tomorrow.
If someone's pushing you and pushing always
to make decisions in the moment right now (snaps fingers),
something's wrong; that's not how life really works.
Sure, every once in a blue moon
something will happen that's really last minute
and we have to decide right then and there.
But that's not usual.
You should usually be able to take your time,
consider all the options and what's best for you,
and then make the decision.
So just pay attention, and know
that you have all the time you need
to make proper decisions that work for you.
I hope you found that information helpful.
I know it can be really hard to navigate toxic relationships
or know what red flags we should be looking out for.
And I have an entire chapter in my book,
Are U OK? A Guide to Caring for Your Mental Health,
and that whole chapter is all about
toxic relationships and what we can do
to better notice them and get out of them safely.
And as always, leave in the comments down below
other things that maybe I've missed
or that you wish I'd mentioned,
or what's helped you get out of
these toxic and unhealthy, manipulative relationships.
And I will see you next time, bye.