YOU KNOW, ONE OF THE GREAT THINGS ABOUT HOSTING A TALK SHOW
IS THAT THERE'S JUST SO DARN MUCH TO TALK ABOUT.
SOMETIMES TOO MUCH.
HOW DO YOU CHOOSE?
I DON'T KNOW.
MY SOLUTION IS NOT TO CHOOSE AT ALL AND LET TECHNOLOGY TAKE
CONTROL.
THIS IS...
>> AUDIENCE: WHEEL!
OF!
NEWS!
♪ (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Stephen: OH!
PEOPLE LOVE THE WHEEL!
AS YOU KNOW, WE'VE INSTALLED A GIANT
SPINNING WHEEL ON THE DOME OF THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER WITH
TOPICS LIKE "SPORTS," "ENTERTAINMENT" AND "CHINA" --
WHICH ISN'T A CATEGORY, IT'S WHERE WE HAD THE WHEEL MADE.
(LAUGHTER) THEN I'M GOING TO SPIN THE WHEEL
AND WHEREVER IT LANDS, THAT'S THE STORY I TALK ABOUT.
BRENDAN!
SAY HI TO BRENDAN, EVERYBODY!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) BRENDAN.
BRENDAN IS OUR LEAVER.
BRENDAN, GET DOWN AND HOLD THE LEVER FOR US.
BRENDAN.
WHEN YOU WERE IN COLLEGE, DID YOU THINK THIS WAS WHAT YOU
WOULD BE DOING WITH YOUR CAREER?
>> NO.
I WAS HOPING.
>> Stephen: LET THAT BE A LESSON.
STUDY HARD.
OKAY.
GET IN THERE.
COME ON.
IN THE PIT.
ALL RIGHT.
(CHEERING) WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY FOR THAT
BUT WE HAVE NOT COME UP WITH LEVER TECHNOLOGY.
DOWN HERE.
READY, BRENDAN?
>> READY.
>> Stephen: HERE WE GO!
SPIN IT!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) "RELIGION!"
PROTESTS HAVE BROKEN OUT IN NAPLES, ITALY, BECAUSE THE
PEOPLE THERE ARE AFRAID THE VATICAN WANTS TO SEIZE CONTROL
OF JEWELS BELONGING TO THE CITY'S PATRON, SAINT GENNARO.
INCLUDING, "SILVER BUSTS," "HEAVILY JEWELED NECKLACES AND
EARRINGS," "A GOLDEN MITRE" AND A "CEREMONIAL HEADDRESS STUDDED
WITH DIAMONDS, RUBIES AND EMERALDS."
SO I WANT TO TAKE A SECOND HERE AND ADDRESS THE VATICAN
DIRECTLY.
GUYS-- AND I FEEL COMFORTABLE SAYING GUYS BECAUSE THIS IS THE
VATICAN.
I SAY THIS OUT OF LOVE -- YOU HAVE TOO MANY JEWELS.
I HAVE BEEN TO THE VATICAN.
IT IS LIKE LIBERACE MEETS "HOARDERS."
YOU SHOULDN'T BE ADDING ANY MORE TREASURE.
YOU SHOULD BE MAKING THREE PILES IN THE POPE'S DRIVEWAY -- KEEP
THROW OUT, DONATE.
BUT NOT TO THE CHURCH!
THAT WON'T HELP.
AND BE HONEST, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU EVEN SAT IN THE CHAIR
OF SAINT PETER?
YOU JUST USE IT TO HANG YOUR VESTMENTS.
ALL RIGHT, LET HER RIP.
"CLIP WITHOUT CONTEXT!" CLIP ME, JIMMY!
>> NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!
NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!
>> STEPHEN: NO, IT'S NOT.
LET'S SPIN.
"A RECENT STUDY!" IN A RECENT STUDY, RESEARCHERS
ARE HAVING DRUG ADDICTS STRAP ON VIRTUAL REALITY HEADSETS TO SEE
IF THEY'RE MORE LIKELY TO RESIST HEROIN IN DIFFERENT SIMULATED
ENVIRONMENTS, ONE "WHERE THE DRUG IS SNORTED AND ONE WHERE IT
IS INJECTED."
THAT HAS GOT REAL WORLD APPLICATION BECAUSE YOU KNOW HOW
JUNKIES ARE ALWAYS LIKE "WAIT A SECOND, YOU'RE OFFERING ME
HEROIN IN A DIFFERENT WAY THAN I'M USED TO?
I'M OUT OF HERE!
BUT FIRST, I'LL TAKE ALL THAT HEROIN."
SPIN!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) AND THE WHEEL OF NEWS LANDS
ON...
"NEWS!" LAST NIGHT WAS THE EIGHTH
DEMOCRATIC DEBATE, IN FLORIDA.
AT THIS POINT, BERNIE AND HILLARY REALLY SEEM LIKE JUST
ANOTHER OLD COUPLE TRAVELING THE COUNTRY, ARGUING ABOUT MONEY.
( AS SANDERS ) "EXCUSE ME, I'M TALKING."
EXCUSE MY.
( AS HILLARY ) "WHY IS THE CAR MAKING THAT
NOISE?
I TOLD YOU, YOU SHOULD HAVE BAILED OUT THE AUTO INDUSTRY!"
( AS SANDERS ) "ZIP ZIP.
IN DENMARK, WE WOULD BE RIDING BIKES!"
BUT THERE WERE A FEW STAND OUT MOMENTS, LIKE WHEN SECRETARY
CLINTON DROPPED THIS SHOCKING CONFESSION.
>> LOOK, I HAVE SAID BEFORE AND IT WON'T SURPRISE ANYONE TO HEAR
ME SAY IT.
THIS IS NOT EASY FOR ME.
I AM NOT A NATURAL POLITICIAN, IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED,
LIKE MY HUSBAND OR PRESIDENT OBAMA.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S RIGHT.
HILLARY CLINTON IS NOT A NATURAL POLITICIAN, UNLIKE HER OPPONENT,
THAT SMOOTH OPERATOR, "SLICK BERNIE SANDO."