LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- JOHN MULANEY.
♪♪♪ [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
IT IS GREAT TO BE HERE HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THAT IS A VERY WEIRD THING TO
SAY. I WAS A WRITER HERE FOR FIVE
YEARS. SOME OF THE BEST YEARS OF MY
LIFE. AND TO BE HOSTING HERE IS JUST
SURREAL. I MEAN, I USED TO WRITE
MONOLOGUES FOR THE HOSTS, NOW I'M UP HERE, I GET TO GIVE THE
MONOLOGUE. I GET TO INTRODUCE THE MUSICAL
GUEST. I MEAN, THAT'S INCREDIBLE.
THE BEST INTRO, BY THE WAY, I EVER SAW OF AN "SNL" HOST WITH A
MUSICAL BEST WAS SIR PATRICK STEWART.
AND HE WAS INTRODUCING THE MUSICAL GUEST.
AND THIS IS HOW HE DID IT. HE WENT, "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
SALT-N-PEPA!" LIKE --
LIKE HE WAS SURPRISED BY PEPA. LIKE MINUTES BEFORE THEY'D BEEN
LIKE, WE CAN'T FIND PEPA ANYWHERE.
AND HE'S LIKE "IF WE MUST GO ON WITH SALT ALONE, WE WILL GO ON
WITH SALT ALONE!" THEY'RE LIKE, "THREE, TWO, ONE,"
AND PEPA BURST THROUGH THE DOOR, AND HE'S LIKE, "LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, SALT -- AND WHAT'S THIS?
PEPA!" [ LAUGHTER ]
IT WAS THE BEST TIME. GAS AN INNOCENT TIME, YOU KNOW?
WHAT I WAS YOUNGER I THOUGHT THE WORLD WAS GOING TO BE SIMPLE AND
NICE. BUT NOW AT THE END OF MY LIFE --
[ LAUGHTER ] I'M NOT SO SURE.
I'M GETTING GRUMPY WHICH I DON'T LIKE.
LIKE I DON'T LIKE ANY NEW SONGS. I DON'T LIKE ANY NEW SONGS.
BECAUSE EVERY NEW SONG IS ABOUT HOW TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT.
AND HOW WE ONLY HAVE TONIGHT. THAT'S THE MESSAGE IN 90% OF
SONGS. THAT'S SUCH 19-YEAR-OLD GARBAGE.
I WANT TO WRITE SONGS FOR PEOPLE IN THEIR 30s CALLED "TONIGHT'S
NO GOOD, HOW ABOUT WEDNESDAY? OH, YOU'RE IN HOUSTON ON
WEDNESDAY, OKAY, THEN LET'S NOT SEE EACH OTHER FOR SIX MONTHS,
AND IT DOESN'T MATTER AT ALL." I TRY TO BE POLITE.
MY WIFE THINKS I'M WAY TOO POLITE.
WE HAVE TOTALLY DIFFERENT STYLES.
WHEN MY WIFE WALKS DOWN THE STREET, SHE DOES NOT CARE WHAT
ANYONE THINKS ABOUT HER IN ANY SITUATION.
SHE'S MY HERO. WHEN I WALK DOWN THE STREET, I
NEED EVERYONE TO LIKE ME SO MUCH.
IT'S EXHAUSTING. MY WIFE SAID THAT WALKING AROUND
WITH ME WAS LIKE WALKING AROUND WITH SOMEONE WHO'S RUNNING FOR
MAYOR OF NOTHING. [ LAUGHTER ]
PEOPLE ASK US IF WE'RE GOING TO HAVE CHILDREN.
WE DON'T HAVE ANY. SO WE SAY, NO.
THEY GO, NEVER? YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO HAVE KIDS?
I'M LIKE, I DON'T KNOW NEVER. LOOK.
14 YEARS AGO I SMOKED COCAINE THE NIGHT BEFORE MY COLLEGE
GRADUATION. NOW I'M AFRAID TO GET A FLU
SHOT. PEOPLE CHANGE.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
STRANGE THE PASSAGE OF TIME. I LIKE OLD-FASHIONED THINGS, YOU
KNOW? I WAS IN CONNECTICUT RECENTLY
DOING WHITE PEOPLE STUFF. [ LAUGHTER ]
REALLY, OKAY. ONE DAY IN CONNECTICUT -- IT
DOESN'T MATTER WHY, BUT I WAS SITTING IN A GAZEBO.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND THERE WAS A PLAQUE ON THE
GAZEBO. AND IT SAID THIS GAZEBO
WAS BUILT BY THE TOWN IN 1863. THAT'S IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
CIVIL WAR. AND THEY BUILT A GAZEBO.
[ LAUGHTER ] HOW DID THAT TOWN MEETING WORK?
THEY WERE LIKE, ALL RIGHT, FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS, WE HAVE ALL
THE TELEGRAMS FROM GETTYSBURG WITH THE WAR DEAD.
LET'S SEE HERE, EVERYONE'S HUSBAND AND BROTHER AND EVERYONE
DIED, OKAY. JOSIAH, YOU HAD SOMETHING?
YES, I DO. HOW'D YOU LIKE TO BE INDOORS AND
OUT OF DOORS ALL AT ONCE? EVER WALKING THROUGH THE PARK
WITH YOUR BETROTHED AND IT STARTS TO RAIN BUT YOU STILL
WANT TO HOLD HANDS? WELL MAY I INTRODUCE YOU TO, AND
MY CONDOLENCES AGAIN TO EVERYONE, THE GAZEBO!
[ APPLAUSE ] BUILDING A GAZEBO DURING THE
CIVIL WAR. WOULD BE LIKE DOING STANDUP
COMEDY NOW. [ LAUGHTER ]
THEY USED TO DO WEIRD, SLOW, LEISURELY ACTIVITIES IN THE OLD
DAYS. BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH
TO DO SO THEY HAD TO FILL THE DAY.
YOU WOKE UP BACK THEN, OH, GOD, IT'S THE OLD DAYS.
I'VE GOT TO WEAR ALL THOSE LAYERS.
WE'VE GOT TO THINK OF WEIRD, SLOW ACTIVITIES TO FILL THE
TIME. AND THEY DID.
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN LIKE OLD FILM FROM THE PAST?
OF PEOPLE JUST LIKE WAVING AT A SHIP?
[ LAUGHTER ] WHAT IF I CALLED YOU NOW TO DO
THAT? HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING MONDAY
THERE'S A NORWEGIAN CRUISE LINE LEAVING FOR MARTINIQUE.
AROUND 10:00 A.M. HERE'S MY PLAN.
YOU AND I GET VERY DRESSED UP, INCLUDING HATS.
AND WE WAVE HANDKERCHIEFS AT THE SHIP TILL IT DISAPPEARS OVER THE
HORIZON. NO, I DON'T KNOW ANYONE ON THE
SHIP. [ LAUGHTER ]
EVERYTHING IS FAST NOW AND IT'S TOTALLY UNREASONABLE.
THE WORLD IS RUN BY COMPUTERS. THE WORLD IS RUN BY ROBOTS.
AND SOMETIMES THEY ASK US IF WE'RE A ROBOT.
JUST BECAUSE WE'RE TRYING TO LOGON AND LOOK AT OUR OWN STUFF.
[ LAUGHTER ] MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY.
MAY I SEE MY STUFF, PLEASE? HUH.
I SMELL A ROBOT. PROVE, PROVE!
PROVE YOU'RE NOT A ROBOT. LOOK AT THESE CURVY LETTERS!
[ LAUGHTER ] MUCH CURVIER THAN MOST LETTERS,
WOULDN'T YOU SAY? NO ROBOT COULD EVER READ THESE!
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU LOOK MORTAL IF NEED BE.
YOU LOOK AND YOU TYPE WHAT YOU THINK YOU SEE.
IS IT AN "E"? OR IS IT A "3"?
THAT'S A "P." THE PASSWORDS HAVE PASSED,
YOU'VE CORRECTLY GUESSED. BUT NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE ROBOT
TEST! [ LAUGHTER ]
I DEVISED A QUESTION NO ROBOT COULD EVER ANSWER.
WHICH OF THESE PICTURES DOES NOT HAVE A STOP SIGN IN IT?
[ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ]
WHAT? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YOU SPEND A LOT OF YOUR DAY TELLING A ROBOT THAT YOU'RE NOT
A ROBOT. THINK ABOUT THAT FOR TWO MINUTES
AND TELL ME YOU DON'T WANT TO WALK INTO THE OCEAN.
[ LAUGHTER ] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU, JACK WHITE IS HERE.
STICK AROUND, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ♪♪♪