- So now this dude's on top of me,
trying to bite my face off,
which didn't bother me, 'cause dude was naked.
So the whole time I could feel his cock and balls
slamming against my thighs.
[dark electronic music]
♪ ♪
- Welcome to "This Is Not Happening."
[chatter] - [burps]
- I'm your host, Roy Wood, Jr.
Hey, there you go, boys. Drink up.
Nobody's gonna remember what the hell's happening tonight.
That dude's trying to get my couch pregnant.
He peeing out the window.
- [retches]
- C'mon, man.
John Legend bought me that piano.
[crowd cheers]
Who brought a ball pit?
- [screams]
[crowd gasps]
- [groans triumphantly]
[crowd cheers]
♪ ♪
- You know this man from his movie, "The King."
Please give it up for Dave Landau.
[electronic music]
[cheers and applause]
- Uh, so I was arrested 13 times.
All for alcohol convictions.
And, uh, this story's about my sixth arrest.
Uh--
When I was 17 years old, I was at a house party.
And I was a really insecure kid,
so I would do anything to get people to like me.
So it's shocking that I became a comic.
And when I was a kid, I was at this house party.
And my friend Nick goes,
hey, Dave, you should bong a fifth.
And I was like, you're right.
So, my friend Anthony held out a beer bong,
and my friend Nick poured in and entire fifth
of Absolut Vodka.
And then Nick goes, dude, this is really stupid.
Poured in some Sprite.
And goes, now you're good.
Now, I don't know if you know what happens
when you bong a fifth,
uh, besides become a legend.
I will tell you.
You tap dance for four minutes.
You tell your girlfriend,
who you love more than life itself,
that she has orangutan titties.
You light a cigarette by the filter.
And you pass out through a glass table.
You wake up the next day to the police,
and they know you.
They've seen you many times.
And they're like, hey, Dave.
And I'm just getting back consciousness.
'Cause all my friends just took off, you know.
The party dispersed, the parents came home,
and were like, there's a dead kid in my living room.
So they walk in and they're like, hey, Dave.
And I'm like, hey, hey, fellas.
How are you?
And they go, Dave, you're gonna go to real jail.
And you're a teenager.
Like, this is your sixth arrest, the judge hates you,
you're gonna go to actual prison.
So we're gonna give you one
get-out-of-jail-free card right now.
If you agree to go to a rehab and change your life,
we will drive you there.
And we will let you do that.
We will call your parents,
figure out how you're gonna pay for it, but that's it.
Right now, what's your choice, jail or rehab?
And I was like, uh...
He goes, are you seriously thinking about it?
I was like, okay, uh--
do they butt-fuck you in rehab?
He goes, no.
And I was like, well, then, let's do that one.
So they handcuff me to the inside of an ambulance,
and they drove me to a rehab.
But on the way there, they found out
there were no beds available.
So I had to be detoured to a mental hospital,
which was their sister hospital,
until a bed opened up.
So we get to this hospital.
I'm getting walked in by three cops, handcuffed,
and they take me to meet my counselor,
and then my counselor takes me to meet my roommate.
I'm like, roommates and counselors.
This is gonna be like camp. This is incredible.
So we walked to this back room. There's two beds.
And on one bed, this kid's just kinda sitting there staring.
Counselor goes, Dave, this is Reese.
Reese, Dave. Get to know each other.
You're gonna be roommates.
And Reese goes, what're you in for?
I go, uh...
I bonged a fifth?
I think I'm an alcoholic of some kind.
I'm like, what about you? He goes, who, me?
I'm a werewolf.
Is he for real?
I go, you don't look like a werewolf, man.
He goes, yeah, I'm not a werewolf right now.
There's not a full moon.
If there was a full moon, I'd transform into a werewolf.
And I attack people.
I don't remember it.
Last week, I blacked out,
and they told me I almost killed my dad.
Neat.
Uh, hey, counselor, I'm gonna need my own room.
This dude thinks he's a werewolf.
And he goes, oh, he's not a werewolf,
you're gonna be fine.
Okay, uh, I think he doesn't know he's not a werewolf.
I'm kind of all set on that.
And he goes, I don't know what you're not getting.
He's not a werewolf, okay?
He's a delusional schizophrenic with rage issues.
Okay, well, that's good. But, um--
I just bonged a fifth. I'm not a crazy person.
So if I could just get my own room till I go to rehab--
He goes, you got brought in by cops, handcuffed.
You're probably more dangerous than him.
Everybody gets a roommate.
That's your roommate.
And he just walked away.
Now, being in a mental hospital is not that bad.
I'm there two days.
You get to wear pajamas.
You watch a lot of TV.
You can't eat anything with a knife,
'cause people get shanky.
And they take your shoelaces on account of the hangings.
But other than that, totally normal hospital.
And one night I'm going to bed,
and all of a sudden, from the next bunk,
I just hear,
[distorted moaning]
[grunts]
[imitates wolf howling]
Good night, Reese.
This dude stands up, rips all of his clothes off,
walks to the edge of the bed, and starts barking at me.
Just going, [barks].
And I'm like, help!
Werewolf! There's a werewolf!
Were--this dude lunges at me butt naked.
I grab a lamp to hit him with it,
and it's fucking glued down.
So now this dude's on top of me, trying to bite my face off,
which didn't bother me, 'cause dude was naked.
So the whole time I could feel his cock and balls
slamming against my thighs,
while I yelled, "Werewolf, werewolf,"
over and over again.
Two counselors bust in the door,
see him naked on top of me, and I swear to God,
one looks at the other one and goes,
uh, do we let 'em finish?
Like, I don't know what you wanna do.
I'm like, we're not having sex, he wants to murder me.
Please. He thinks he's a wolf, please.
They hit him in the ass with a syringe.
It's filled with something called "booty juice,"
which they--swear to God--they give it to mental patients
when they go violent.
And this dude goes limp. All of him, instantaneously.
They pull him off. I stood up, I'm in tears.
I'm like, I don't wanna be here!
I'm an alcoholic.
I'm so scared.
You have me rooming with monsters.
I would've rather gone to prison.
I don't want--I'm-- I don't wanna be here.
I don't wanna be--oh, my God. Take me home.
Please, no more roommates.
Oh, my, there's a wolf dick mushroom print on my thigh.
No more roommates. No!
So then I go to bed.
With the help of anti-psychotics.
And after a kind of a still tossy-turny night sleep,
I wake up. Next day.
And they bring in my new roommate.
They're like, hey, Dave, this is Keith.
Keith, Dave, get to know each other.
You're gonna be roommates--
[screaming] Yeah, hi, Keith.
Whoa, dude, what's your problem?
What's my problem?
Last night,
I got attacked
by a goddamned werewolf.
And then Keith looks at the counselor and goes,
hey, man, I'm gonna need my own room.
And that's how they make crazy people.
[cheers and applause]
And I tell you that story to tell you this one.
I was not a good student, if you can believe it.
I spent five years in high school,
which I'm told is too many.
And I always--like, again-- I always wanted attention.
I always wanted people to like me.
And I had a class called Humanities.
I don't know if you ever had it.
I don't know what the fuck it is.
But I had the class.
And one day, I came into class and the teacher wasn't there.
And there's a blank chalkboard,
so I'm like, well, I should, you know, draw a dick.
So I just drew a dick, you know.
And the teacher comes in, and she's like,
ugh, fuck, just--
The next day I come in, there's no teacher,
so I'm like, yeah, I'll draw a dick.
Day number three, I'm like, is this a miracle?
More dick.
Now, this goes on for three months.
And I'm not just drawing it on the chalkboard.
I'm hiding it in books.
I'm putting it on, like, the door.
Balls on the knob.
Like, it's just ridiculous.
And I'm putting it, like, on her desk.
Just drawing dicks. Dicks, dicks, dicks.
And this goes on for three months.
Then one day she comes into class,
and there's an overhead projector set up.
She walks up, and expecting a dick--no dick.
She breathes a sigh of relief.
And then, she turns around and pulls down the screen.
Boom. Permanent marker dick.
Two different colors. I even had purple for the vein.
Here's a thing, though. She loses her fucking mind.
She goes, who is doing this?
Which one of you are doing this?
Who is doing this?
Which one of you are the penis master?
Who is the penis master?
Where is the penis master?
I wanna meet the penis master.
At this point, there's people coming out other classrooms,
like, "someone's yelling penis master."
There's janitors going by,
like, I'll be your penis master.
I don't give a--
Who is the penis master?
She is on her knees crying, mascara running down her face.
I felt so horrible.
I finally stood up, and I'm like,
I am the penis master.
She goes, all hail the penis master.
I'm like, this is fucking weird.
She goes, come down to the office with me right now.
We go into the principal's office.
She walks me in. She goes, tell him.
Tell him who you are.
I, uh, I'm the penis master.
He goes, that's great, Dave.
So she tells him what happened,
and he writes down on a suspension slip,
"Dave is suspended for one week
"because he likes drawing male genitalia
all over his classroom."
He hands it to me.
He goes, don't come back until your parents sign it.
And I am suspended.
When I come back, I get suspended again.
Because when I handed in the slip,
I did not have my parents sign it.
Instead, I drew a dick.
I come back a week later,
and I finally go back to the class,
and the teacher's gone.
And I'm like, whoa, this is weird.
Like, What happened?
And they're like, yeah, Dave, she's--she went insane.
I'm like, wait, what do you mean she went, like--
They're like, dude, she didn't think you acted alone.
There were so many dicks. Like, she thought--
She thought there was another gunner on the grassy knoll.
She just started asking kids if they were the penis master.
And they had to let her go to get psychiatric care.
Like, you drove her nuts with dicks.
Which means, that at some point,
in a mental hospital, in Michigan,
in the late '90s,
my teacher could've walked up to a kid, and said,
are you the penis master?
And he was like, who, me? Nah.
I'm a werewolf.
Thank you guys very much.
- Dave Landau.