["Joy to the World" plays]
- [together] ♪ Let every heart ♪
- ♪ Prepare him room ♪ ♪ Rejoice in--replace you ♪
[together] ♪ And Heaven and nature sing ♪
♪ And Heaven and nature sing ♪
♪ And Heaven And Heaven ♪
♪ And nature sing ♪
- Nice. - It's--It's a thing.
Hellosies. I'm Rich Fulcher.
And today we're gonna talk about
how Teddy Roosevelt's children
saved Christmas.
Pretty cool.
It was 1901. Teddy Roosevelt was just
elected the Prize-ident of the United Status.
- [chuckles]
His motto was, "Speak softly,
and carry a big dick."
And Theodore Roosevelt is a huge conservationist.
You don't wanna know. - Actually, I do.
- Okay.
Basically, in his lifetime,
he had five national parks.
18 national monuments. 150 national forests.
He loved those trees so goddamn much.
And he thought, I don't want any tree
cut down. I don't want Christmas trees
in my White House.
So Theodore--Teddy--was a family man.
He had six kids, and he loved his kids.
Hi, I'm Archie. Hey, I'm Quentin.
Hi, I'm Kermit. I'm Alice.
I'm Theodore, Jr. I'm Ethel.
So he had all these kids, and he was just brimming
with, like, semen.
[mimics farting sounds]
- What was that? - That's a mouth fart.
- That was a mouth fart? - Yeah.
Oh, what--so, okay.
So, it's Christmas time.
Roosevelt would dress up as Santa for Christmas,
and he would say, Ho, ho, ho, sit on my lap
and tell me what you want for Christmas.
So Archie said to his dad, Papa-pea,
can I have a tree this year?
And dad says, No.
I do not want a Christmas tree here.
'Cause it'll ruin our forests.
This is the thing.
He--He--
[burps]
So the kids hatched a plan. Archie said to Quentin,
We need to cut down a tree and show daddy that
Christmas trees are the way to go
for everyone.
Let's go to the edge of the c--White House lawn
and chop the [bleep] Christmas tree.
So, uh, sure enough, they cut down the tree.
And they get the help of the White House electrician,
whatever that is.
- They'll turn the lights on, if they go off.
- Ooh, you're good at this.
Well, so--uh, so Archie
asked the electrician. The electrician said,
Sure, I can do it. I can put lights on the tree.
I'm a goddamn electrician. That's what I do.
And so, he put the lights on the tree.
And then they put the tree in the seamstress' closet.
[coughs] The tree's in the closet,
and the mother's [stammers].
And they said, We're gonna make papa
believe in the trees.
The trees make you believes.
The trees make you sneeze below the knees.
- [chuckles]
- Cut to commercial.
- What's your favorite Christmas song?
- Um, the--the Paul McCartney song--
♪ Da, da, da, da ♪
♪ Da, da Da, da ♪
♪ A-da-da-da da, da, da ♪
♪ I've been wah ♪
- ♪ A-huh-na-na Christmas time ♪
- ♪ A-having a Christmas time ♪
- Right. - Hmm?
- What? - Hmm.
- [bleep] me. - [chuckles]
- A, what--so, okay.
So, it's Christmastime.
- Eh, it's exciting. - It's exciting!
They open up the presents and everybody was happy with
the presents.
Uh, then Archie and Quentin said,
Now's the time to reveal the Christmas tree.
And they open the door.
And there it is. A Christmas tree with lights.
And sure enough, the President says,
Oh, what a great, uh, surprise.
He appreciated the kids' ingenuity,
but he was also kind of like,
Hey, whoa, this is kinda, like, not what I said to do.
He decided to call his good friend
and fellow conservationist,
Gifford Pinchot.
Theodore Roosevelt said, Hey, come on over
and give my kids the what-for about this Christmas tree.
So everyone, um, gathers round.
Gifford said, [laughs]
Tedro. Actually--
[burps]
If you chop down the biggest trees,
it leaves sunlight for the smaller ones to grow,
and there's less, uh, shit all over the place.
Well, [bleep] me. - [laughs]
- So President Roosevelt decides to lift the ban
on Christmas trees, and everyone is excited.
Daddy, so this means we can have Christmas trees?
We're gonna have Christmas trees every year
for eternity.
And from that point forward, he was a changed man,
thanks in large part to Archie and Quentin--
those two little [bleep]-abouts that chopped down the tree.
Oh, God, you little [bleep]-abouts.
[burps] - [laughs]
Cheers, Rich. Merry Christmas.
- Merry Cosmos.
- [together] We'd like to sing you a song.
- Zap.
- ♪ Silent night ♪ - ♪ See golden wing-- ♪
- ♪ Holy night ♪ - ♪ Holy naw ♪
- ♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪ - [melodic noises]
- That was pretty good. - Yep.
Good one. Double-click.
Triple-click.
♪ ♪