Transcriber: Eunice Tan Reviewer: Tanya Cushman
Good afternoon, everyone.
I'm a psychologist working in college counseling.
I work with clients with mental health issues,
so in that sense, I'm considered a mental health expert by many.
However, when I first came to the US as an international student 10 years ago,
I was facing my own self-doubt and various adjustment issues.
I wasn't ready to face all the different norms and rules and expectations.
I felt lost.
My confidence was shaken.
I was struggling with anxiety issues.
These issues were carried over to my professional life.
I remember my negative voice was so loud at the time.
It sounded like this:
"You're not competent.
You're going to screw this up.
Your clients are going to hate you.
You'd better quit now."
(Exhales)
I remember the first client I saw was someone with anxiety issues.
Ironically enough,
I was sitting in my therapist chair, feeling overwhelmed by my own anxiety.
My face was as red as a tomato can go;
(Laughter)
my heart was pumping fast;
my hands were sweaty.
I was this close to running away from that therapist chair
and from my own anxiety.
And the only reason I didn't do it, honestly,
was because I knew I would get busted by my trainee supervisor,
who was watching me in the next room.
(Laughter)
I felt I was trapped in my anxiety;
I could not reach my potential.
I wanted to know how this has happened.
I started to look closely into it.
I found, interestingly, it is something that actually many of us share -
a universal and common human condition.
The predominant component of it
is shame:
the negative self-perception and self-criticism we bring onto ourself,
with or without self-awareness.
"I'm not good enough."
"I don't deserve to have that."
"I'm less of who I want to be."
"I'm not likable."
"I'm going to die alone."
"I'm stupid and dumb."
You see, shame is more than just the self-criticism;
shame is the underlying drive to it
and the root to many emotions we experience:
fear, sadness, frustration, anger, jealousy.
Shame is also the underlying drive
to many emotional and behavior problems we experience:
low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, suicide thoughts,
addiction, violence, and racism.
Shame's different from guilt.
While guilt is how we feel about what we do -
for example, "I have done something wrong" -
shame is how we feel about ourselves -
"I'm stupid; I'm dumb."
While guilt can sometimes drive us to do the right things,
shame is almost always self-destructive and debilitating.
In fact,
shame has now become such an epidemic in our lives,
many of us are probably familiar with this voice -
"not enough" -
right?
I see some of you nodding here.
We constantly beat ourself up for not being smart enough,
not doing enough,
not making enough contributions
to our friends, our team, and our community.
When we finally make it to all these goals -
if we really can -
we start to struggle with not taking care of ourself enough,
not attending to our relationships and families.
It seems wherever we go,
we're followed by this voice.
We listen to it.
We constantly feel the need to do more and more,
better and better.
Where's the end?
In this process, we get stressed out and overwhelmed.
When neurobiological psychologists dig into this underlying mechanism
of this phenomenon,
they find shame and self-criticism
can reduce our prefrontal cortex's capacity to sustain attention
and inhibit our impulsive behaviors.
The impact of this is very similar to the effect of sleep deprivation.
Imagine how you'd be feeling if you are sleep-deprived.
Some of us are probably familiar with that right now, right?
(Laughter)
The neurobiological pathway resulting from a shaming environment
can further create a mental model
predisposing us to perceive this world with despair and anxiety
and therefore leading to various mental health issues.
So if you want to debilitate yourself,
just shame yourself.
If you want to debilitate others,
just shame them.
Now, imagine my eagerness to get out my shame
after I realized what it had been doing to my life.
I embarked on this journey of de-shaming in the past 10 years.
I tried various tactics to get rid of my shame.
I hid it from others.
I pretended it didn't exist.
I played along, avoiding triggers.
Well, none of this worked, as you can imagine.
And then I beat myself up for not being able to beat my shame,
and it turned out to be this perfect cycle of self-blaming and shaming.
Sounds a little familiar, right?
So,
how has shame become such a persistent and prevalent issue in our life?
It's time for us to look at our brain
and understand how our self-talk is formed.
Every thinking pattern can be associated with a certain neural pathway.
Neurons that fire together, wire together.
Think of your brain as a giant electric network
made of millions of electric circuits.
Every time a thought passes,
it lights up a certain neural pathway.
The more you think this way,
the more strengthened this neural pathway becomes.
Gradually, it becomes a habitual way of thinking,
regardless of whether or not the thought itself is rational.
So if you say, "I'm so stupid,"
you inadvertently light up a neural pathway
that reinforces a shaming pattern.
And this neural pathway will likely light up again next time,
when you are in a similar situation.
"I did it again; I must be stupid."
Soon enough, you will start to speak a shaming language -
very fluently or even on autopilot.
Psychologists call this "automatic thoughts."
So you will start to live in a shaming world
filled with emotional distress and negativity.
Sounds very depressing, right?
So how can we save ourself from such a destiny?
The good news about our human brain
is its plasticity,
meaning neurons can rewire,
neural pathways can be reconstructed.
So let's say
if you tell yourself,
"I'm stupid.
My boss hates me.
I'm a loser."
Pay closer attention to what you tell yourself
and put intentional effort into challenging this shaming pattern.
Start compassionate self-talk.
You will start to generate
new neuron connections and neural pathways.
"Oh, this has been hard on me.
It is difficult not to be able to be understood by others.
I feel invalidated.
I feel hurt."
The more you engage in this thinking pattern,
the stronger the new neural connections will become.
Gradually,
the old neural connections will fade away
and you will start to speak compassionate self-talk
to replace the old, habitual way of thinking.
Research has revealed -
being compassionate to yourself
can increase your emotional resilience and your psychological well-being.
Here's how this works:
people who are more compassionate to themselves
are better at coping with negative emotions
and less likely to ruminate on their negative thoughts
and therefore having a lower level of depression and anxiety.
Being compassionate to yourself can also reduce your stress hormone, cortisol,
and increase your heart rate variability,
which indicates people are more relaxed, calmer, and safer.
They're more open and flexible to respond to changes in their life.
So you must be wondering right now -
how can I practice this compassionate self-talk?
Okay, here's a start.
Are you ready?
Okay.
Let's say goodbye to all the old grammar:
"I am negative.
I'm not enough.
I don't deserve this.
I'm less of who I want to be.
I'm stupid. I'm dumb."
I can go on and on,
but you have heard me say enough of that this afternoon.
Keep a mental journal throughout your day
and count how many of those sentences you actually say to yourself.
You would be surprised.
Start to challenge those automatic thoughts:
"Am I 100% sure those thoughts are true?
Or am I just saying this out of habit?"
If you're not 100% percent sure,
even only 1% doubt,
question them.
Don't let them pass.
Stop being harsh on yourself:
"I can't do this; I shouldn't have done that."
You mean well;
you mean to motivate yourself.
However, this tone can only impact your self-esteem negatively.
So how about we try a different set of tone?
"I will.
I would like.
I hope.
I would like to do this."
It still gets the job done, but imagine how you would feel differently.
Let's practice compassionate acceptance
of being imperfect and therefore being human.
It's inevitable to make mistakes and reach our limits.
Having flaws simply means you're normal, right?
Right? Here's where you're supposed to say "yes"
even if you don't think it applies to you personally.
(Laughter)
So, I have a confession to make:
I was pretty stressed out and anxious at one point
when I was preparing for this talk.
You know, those "what ifs," "not enough" voice:
"What if you forget what you're going to say?"
"What if you drag this so long they have to kick you off the stage -
(Laughter)
in a kind way?"
So I kept doing more and more.
I want this to be better and better.
I want this to be perfect.
And then I was, "Wait a moment.
You are giving a talk about being imperfect
while you're striving for being perfect?
How's that going to work?
Of course you're stressed out."
So I ask myself,
"Okay, what can I do with it?"
I start to back paddle in my thoughts:
"Okay, not too late yet.
Scratch what I said; scratch those 'what-ifs.'"
Imagine there's a neural pathway that actually gets unwired here;
there's a new one coming here.
What can my compassionate brain tell me?
"It is okay.
You will make mistakes.
Expect it, and be okay.
You will feel emotions because you're human;
you don't want to be a robot."
Well, I actually felt more relieved -
still a bit nervous -
but more relieved after giving myself this break
and probably saved myself from a potential panic attack.
Let's cultivate an open and curious mindset
instead of a closed and judgmental mindset.
How many times have you heard yourself saying this:
"What's wrong with me? Can't get this right."
How about we try this:
"Hmm, I wonder why I'm having this challenge right now?
This is an interesting puzzle to be solved."
If you have trouble accessing your compassionate self-talk,
here's a trick to it:
ask yourself what would you say to your family or your friend
or who you care about
when you see them suffering or struggling.
Give the loving-kindness you give to them for yourself.
We certainly don't need double standards in our relationships, right?
So this is a shortcut to access your compassionate neural pathway.
This is a process that takes ongoing practice and repetition.
This is like learning a new language to many of us.
We wouldn't know how to speak a new language
just by simply acknowledging it exists, right?
We need ongoing practice.
So let's start to pay attention to what you tell yourself
because whatever you are saying to yourself,
you are listening.
Thank you.
(Applause)