I get to work a lot with relationships and marriages.
Today at Live On Purpose TV, 9 guaranteed principles to make a better marriage.
I've done several of videos about divorce, child custody, you know what's even more fun
for me to talk about?
Marriage and how to make a good solid marriage.
What are the tips that can get us there?
More than just sharing tips with you today, I'm going to be sharing some principles that
are guaranteed and we'll talk about that in just a minute.
To set that up, let's go do some research that was done.
This was years ago by a man named Dr. John Gottman.
Dr. Gottman is one of the leading researchers in marriage and family relations and he wrote
a book called The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work where he reports this research
that was done.
Now here's the short version of what Dr. Gottman found.
He found, this is little shocking to some people but he found that roughly 70% of the
problems in a relationship for marriage are unresolvable.
Let that sink in for a minute.
I shared this with some people and they're just like, then what's the use, right?
And other people were just relieved because they realized they're not so weird.
70% of the problems in a marriage are unresolvable.
Let's talk about for a minute.
Problems..
I think Dr. Gottman meant conflict.
You think about it, anytime you bring two different people together, you will create
conflict.
Why?
Because they're different.
We have different opinions, different preferences, different backgrounds, different genders,
different cultures, we're different and as we come together, those differences cause
conflicts.
Now that doesn't necessarily mean that it's bad, okay.
Because difference is also essential to a relationship, it's the differences that make
us relevant and interesting to each other, you have to have them, otherwise, there's
no reason for the relationship.
If you were both exactly the same, one of you would necessary.
We don't have to talk about which one, right?
But it doesn't matter cause you're exactly the same.
Differences make us relevant and interesting to each other.
Even though at the level of gender, it's the differences that are interesting, right?
So if you can connect with that for a minute, we have to have differences in order to have
a reason for the relationship in the first place.
Okay, that's going to cause some conflict.
So moving on to the research, Dr. Gottman found that this was true for miserable, highly
conflicted, headed for divorce couples.
Makes sense, right?
He also found that this was true for happy, well-adjusted, stable, satisfied couples.
There was no difference in the number of unresolvable problems that these two groups had.
You couldn't even distinguish between the miserable ones and the happy ones based on
that metric.
Interesting.
What does that suggest you?
I got kind of excited about this when I found out because it's not about the problems.
You know what?
Back in shrink school, they taught us that you bring a couple in, you see them on your
couch, I do have a couch right over there, and you talk to them for about an hour or
more about their problems and people would leave feeling worse or beat up on or teamed
up on or like, that wasn't fun and I got fired on a regular basis.
Well, obviously that's not working, right?
It's funny because I came home from this conference, I got to hear Dr. Gottman himself present
this research.
This is probably 20 years or more ago and I came home from this conference, right.
I payed a couple of hundred bucks to be there and Vicky, as I was reporting in, my wife
summarized, "Oh so do more of what works and less of what doesn't, is that what you learned
in 2 days, Paul?"
Yeah, pretty much that's it.
But it's true.
We're going to do more of what works and less of what doesn't.
So let's get really clear about which is which, okay?
Now back to the research.
Dr. Gottman found a 4-part process that was absolutely predictable in putting people on
this side of the board.
In fact, he brags in his book that he can predict divorce in one interview and he's
really accurate.
How does he make that prediction?
He looks for these four concepts, he called it the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You like that imagery?
Here's where he went.
The first of these four horsemen is called criticism.
Now criticism doesn't have to be real or intended, as long as it's perceived, it works.
Honestly, I've been a shrink for 23 years, I'm really good at offending people and honestly,
I don't want to, it's not in my heart, that's not what I intend.
Why are people getting offended?
Because of their perceptions.
Criticism doesn't have to be real or intended.
As long as it's perceived, it leads to the next step, defensiveness.
Defensiveness.
This makes sense, right?
Because if you're being attacked, what do you want to do?
Get your shield up, protect yourself.
Defensiveness, it's the next step.
Gottman called this one contempt.
Contempt is kind of like defensiveness turned hostile.
So you got your shield up, now you draw your sword.
You're trying to get some jabs in, you know, a counter attack.
The last of the four horsemen, Gottman called this one stonewalling.
A more permanent form of defensiveness, if you can picture building up the stonewall,
turning way from each other rather than turning toward each other and Gottman's point was,
if we see the four horsemen and it becomes the habitual way that people deal with their
unresolvable problems and if they're not willing to change it, I'm glad he added that part,
it predictably leads to separation, a lot of times, divorce will happen if this is the
chronic pattern that people have.
Now I didn't share this with you to alarm you, probably this is going on in your relationship,
right?
I just want you to be aware of it.
And it's common, it happens in most couples but what we want to do is less of what doesn't
work, get over on this side of the board with more of what does.
So we're clear about what doesn't work, right?
Now like my brilliant wife said, we're going to do more of what works and less of what
doesn't.
So we got to get clear about what's on this side of the board.
This is where we get back to the guarantee that I told you about at the beginning of
the video.
I have been a shrink for 23 years and you can't shock me because I've seen all kinds
of stuff, I've heard all kinds of stuff.
There are 9 principles that are absolutely guaranteed to create a successful marriage.
We're not going to get in to all the reasons why I'm willing to guarantee that but just
keep in mind, I've seen a lot of stuff and everything that I've seen, I still haven't
encountered anything that couldn't be resolved with the proper application with these 9 principles,
I'll share them with you now.
Principle number one, positivity.
Oh, big surprise that Dr. Paul is talking about positivity again.
Remember the model that we shared in one of our first videos on this channel.
That's because we refer back to it all the time.
This represents how you choose to see your life and what energy you can bring to what
you're going to create next between evaluation and creation, this is powerful and it is the
first of those 9 guaranteed principles.
Principle number two, values.
Values have to do with those shared beliefs that you have and what is important to you
and why you got in to this marriage in the first place.
So this is where a lot of people go to their faith or their religion, prayer and meditation,
centering on that purpose and the values.
Number three, humility.
I did a podcast a while back, we'll put the link in the description below, with Brett
Williams, the author of this book, You Can Be Right Or You Can Be Married.
I think that title sums up what we are talking about here because when we get stuck in pride
and we know that we're right, we start treating each other terribly.
The principle that we're referring to here is humility where we give up our need to be
right and we can actually connect with people in a much more humble way.
That also implies a willingness to change whatever it is that we're doing that's causing
disruption.
Principle number four, forgiveness.
Can you see why this would be important?
We'll do some other videos about forgiveness because that deserves some of its own time.
To be willing to allow other people to change and giving up our demand for a better past.
Forgiveness, crucial principle.
Number five, respect.
This has a whole lot to do with how we treat each other and each other's ideas.
Number six, love.
In other videos, I've referred to the The Love Choice.
You can get to this in the description below as well.
Choosing love is crucial to a successful marriage and everything that that means.
Number seven, compassion.
Compassion has to do with being kind and you always have a choice to be kind.
Principle number eight, work.
It's going to take some good old fashioned hardwork, get used to that, no apologies,
marriage is work.
Number nine, recreation and fun.
Are you glad that I included that one?
It's important to have fun.
If we're not having fun, we're doing it wrong.
So quick recap of those nine principles..
Positivity, focus on values, be humble and willing to change, be forgiving and allow
others to change, respect, love, compassion, work, fun and recreation.
Guaranteed.
As you apply those nine principles, I guarantee it's going to improve your marriage.
So glad that you're on board with that.
I'll see you tomorrow at Live On Purpose TV.