When should you NOT use the No Contact strategy to win back your ex?
Are there actually certain situations where No Contact might make things WORSE, and actually
decrease your odds of getting back together?
In this video, I’m going to answer those questions and tell you exactly when you should
avoid using No Contact.
I’m Breakup Brad, YouTube’s #1 breakup coach since 2013, and I’ve helped over 130,000
people from around the world get a second chance with their ex.
If you want my help to get your ex back, you can go to BreakupBrad.com/Coaching after this
video and learn all about how I help clients reverse breakups and build a new, stronger
relationship with their ex.
Now, like I said, this video is about No Contact… and you all know what No Contact involves,
right?
You ignore your ex for about 30 days after breaking up, they start to miss you like crazy,
and hopefully eventually they break down and beg to have you back.
In many situations, that’s exactly what happens with you use No Contact on your ex…
but there are a few key times when you do NOT want to employ the No Contact rule.
I’ll be covering those specific situations shortly, but first, there’s one thing you
absolutely MUST know about No Contact.
For at least 95% of you watching this video right now who are hoping to get another chance
with your ex, using No Contact WILL give you the best possible chance of success.
After all, the reason I’ve been advocating this strategy for over a decade now is because
it WORKS…
I see it work literally every single day for my clients, and many of the comments on my
past No Contact YouTube videos illustrate just how many people use this strategy effectively
to win back their ex.
So please, if you’re not sure if No Contact is right for your situation even after you
finish watching this video, you should do two things: 1) Start employing No Contact
right now; and 2) Sign up for my 1-on-1 coaching program so we can work together to develop
a strategy to ensure you maximize your chances.
When in doubt, No Contact is almost always the best route to take.
It will almost never hurt your chances if executed properly, and it’s better than
accidentally saying something dumb to your ex that might kill your chances.
So unless your current scenario is one of the ones I’m about to discuss, the default
strategy that you should be using WILL involve No Contact.
Now, when are those few times when No Contact should be avoided?
Let’s get into it….
Situation #1: When It’s Been A Long Time Since Your Initial Breakup
Sometimes, I’ll have clients tell me that they’ve been broken up for many months or
even years already.
They’re hoping to win back their ex long after things ended, and often that means they’ve
already given their ex plenty of time and space.
It also typically means that your ex has let go of most of the negative memories and feelings
they had about you and your time together, which is part of what No Contact is designed
to achieve.
In cases like this, employing 30 days of No Contact can often be unnecessary.
Now, just because it’s been months since your breakup doesn’t ALWAYS mean you shouldn’t
apply No Contact.
Let me describe 2 different example scenarios, and how to apply No Contact in each of them…
Scenario #1: You broke up with your ex 5 months ago, but since then you’ve been in regular
contact with him or her.
You text back and forth frequently, you see one another occasionally, and you even agreed
to “still be friends” with your ex.
Essentially, you never really let go of your ex, they’re still a part of your life and
someone you talk to all the time.
In this kind of situation, you should still apply No Contact for a few weeks.
Because you’re still friends, you still see your ex occasionally and speak with them
regularly, you’ve never really engaged in No Contact.
It’s only been 5 months since the breakup, which is a long time, but not long enough
to make No Contact redundant.
Apply No Contact by not reaching out to your ex any more, and suddenly start becoming “too
busy” with your new friends and hobbies to find time for them.
If they text you, ignore anything but the most essential messages, and try to generally
give your ex a taste of what life is like when you’re not around.
Scenario #2: You broke up 7 months ago, and although you spoke to your ex a few times
in the early days after the breakup, you’ve not spoken with them much recently.
In fact, it’s been several weeks since you last reached out to your ex, and you haven’t
heard from them lately either.
In this scenario, things are different from the first one I described, because you’ve
already accidentally employed what is essentially a period of No Contact.
Employing another 30 days of radio silence isn’t usually necessary in this case, and
waiting longer before you reach out to your ex could be a mistake.
Time is of the essence when you’re in this kind of situation where it’s been many months
since the breakup, so you can usually skip No Contact and reach out to your ex right
away.
If your initial attempts to contact him or her don’t get a reply or crash and burn,
you will need to wait at least a week or two before you try again, but generally speaking
you can skip No Contact if your breakup was long ago and you’re no longer in regular
contact with your ex.
Please keep in mind that in situations like the two I just described, and especially in
the second scenario, you’re likely facing an uphill battle.
There’s a decent chance that you may not succeed in winning them back, unfortunately.
That’s not to say you shouldn’t still try, but please also be ready for the possibility
that you’ll need to move on and find someone new if your ex doesn’t start to show more
interest in reconnecting soon.
If you’re wondering whether you still have a chance to win your ex back, take my free
quiz right now at BreakupBrad.com/Quiz….
In 2 or 3 minutes, after you answer a few basic questions about your own situation,
you’ll be given a detailed breakdown explaining your chances of getting back together and
what your next steps should be to make that happen.
Again, take the quiz for free at BreakupBrad.com/Quiz
Situation #2: When Your Ex Is Getting Angry Because You’re Not Responding
Maybe you’ve already been ignoring your ex for a while.
If so, good job, you’re likely doing the right thing.
But some people don’t respond well when their ex engages in No Contact after a breakup,
especially if things ended on good terms.
So, occasionally, you might find yourself in a situation where your ex is starting to
get angry or upset that you’re not talking to them anymore.
If this is the case for you, where your ex is getting annoyed by your lack of contact,
then it’s actually a good sign in some ways, because it shows your ex still cares.
And up to a point, continuing to use No Contact in this type of scenario is actually more
important than ever… you need your ex to know that you will NOT be available to provide
emotional support or keep them entertained while they get over the post-breakup heartache
and loneliness.
Limiting contact says to your ex, “get back together with me, give our relationship another
chance, or I’m gone from your life for good”....
And that kind of urgency - that pressure it puts on your ex - can often be enough to make
them change their mind and decide to take you back.
HOWEVER….
This only applies up to a certain point.
As much as you want to be ignoring your ex and sticking to the No Contact rule, there
may come a point where you need to break the silence in order to avoid causing major conflict.
I’m talking about situations where you’ve cut off ALL communications with him or her
for at least a week or two, and during that time they’ve tried to reach out multiple
times and are clearly getting more and more frustrated by your lack of response.
In that kind of scenario, it can be a good idea to break the silence in order to calm
things down and make sure your ex doesn’t think you’re holding a grudge or trying
to get revenge.
So if your ex is clearly upset or becoming angry that they haven’t heard from you,
I recommend responding to your ex’s next message with a quick text or call to say,
“sorry, I’m not trying to be rude or anything, I’ve just been really busy and I am focused
on moving on”.
Don’t let your ex use this opportunity to drag you into any kind of longer discussion,
and don’t feel the need to elaborate or share any kind of emotion with your ex…
just make it clear you’re not intentionally being an asshole to them, you’re just moving
on with your life since they apparently don’t want to be with you any more.
That’s perfectly reasonable, and as long as you’re reasonably friendly and cordial
to your ex, they have no reason to continue getting upset or trying to turn things into
an argument.
Once you’ve made it clear to your ex that the lack of contact isn’t anything personal
or intended to hurt them, you can usually continue with No Contact until you’ve completed
roughly 30 days… so, really, this is more a situation where you should BREAK No Contact
rather than avoid it altogether.
Situation #3: When You Have Children Together Or Shared Responsibilities
This one is pretty common, especially if you’re a bit older.
Unfortunately, you can’t just disappear completely if you have serious shared responsibilities
with your ex, like parenting or paying bills.
Most everyday topics can be safely ignored, obviously...
For example, if your ex is asking “how’s your mom?” or “where are you going this
weekend?”...
anything that isn’t pressing and genuinely important… that type of stuff can be safely
ignored during No Contact.
But if your ex is asking you to pick up your daughter from school next week, or if you
still live together and your ex is asking you to pay your half of the utility bills
that are due tomorrow… those are the sort of rare things you can’t just ignore, at
least not for 30 days.
So in those cases, you’ll need to handle things as best as possible by doing whatever
it is you need to do -- agreeing which days you’ll drive the kids to school, sort out
who is going to the bank to pay overdue bills, etc -- just be polite, friendly, upbeat, and
stick to the essentials.
For anyone still living with your ex, I’ve actually made a whole video about that topic
-- and how to adapt No Contact to situations where you still live together -- which you
can watch by clicking the little icon in the corner here, or clicking the link in the description
below.
Now, before we move on, I want to stress the importance of being UPBEAT and POSITIVE in
these kinds of interactions... if you must break no contact, and this is one of the times
where you can and should do so, use it to your advantage by being more friendly and
happy than your ex will be expecting from someone who has just been through a breakup.
In situations like this, I like to call the strategy “Modified No Contact”....
Basically, No Contact adapted to suit the situation you’re in as best as possible.
Most people won’t have to worry too much about this, but the No Contact tactic can
definitely still be very effective even if it’s ‘Modified No Contact’... at least,
as long as you actually do what i’ve just talked about, it can and often will still
work.
Again, please watch my other video on this topic for a more in-depth guide to handling
this type of situation… just click the link in the description below.
Situation #4: When Your Ex Is Actually Asking You To Take Them Back
This is a no-brainer, obviously, but if your ex is actually saying to you outright that
they want to get back together… don’t continue with No Contact.
Instead, wait a few hours, and then reply with something calm and not-overly-eager sounding
to signal your agreement… maybe say something like, “I agree, I think we can make it work
if we give things another try :) meet for drinks tomorrow after work?”
Then, you can see your ex in person and start flirting like crazy and re-building your chemistry.
Don’t hesitate to build sexual tension and initiate sexy time as soon as the opportunity
presents itself, as this can help “seal the deal” and get your ex to commit to giving
your relationship a fresh start.
Don’t get into any serious conversations with your ex at this point, don’t try to
talk about how you’ve changed or how much you missed your ex when you were broken up…
be calm, don’t get overexcited, and take it slow.
Now, if your ex isn’t saying outright they want you back -- if instead they’re saying
things like “i miss u” or “wish you were here right now” -- that is a completely
different story than if they were clearly stating their desire to get back together.
In this kind of situation, where they’re just dropping some strong signals that they
still have feelings for you but not obviously asking you to take them back, you need to
stick to No Contact as much as possible.
I won’t go into the psychology of what’s going on in your ex’s head when they say
this kind of thing after a breakup, but usually it’s a result of internal conflict.
Your ex likely really does miss you if they tell you that, but it doesn’t mean they’re
ready to take you back.
That’s why No Contact is extremely important and effective in this kind of situation, and
you should definitely stick to it if you receive this kind of mixed message from your ex.
I’ve also made a previous video about understanding your ex’s “mixed messaging”, which you
can check out after this video is over, I’ll link to it in the description below.
Now, that’s 4 situations where you may not want to employ my No Contact strategy….
But I know there are going to be some of you out there watching right now that still have
questions, or are facing a unique scenario that I didn’t cover.
I’d be happy to learn about the details of your specific breakup situation and help
you come up with a plan to maximize your chances of getting back together… which may or may
not involve using No Contact, which of course is something we can discuss.
To get my ongoing help and guidance, all you have to do is sign up for my 1-on-1 coaching
program at BreakupBrad.com/Coaching.
I promise it’s more affordable than you’re expecting, and I promise I can at least help
you ensure that you get the absolute best possible chance of getting your ex back.
Again, learn more and sign up now at BreakupBrad.com/coaching.
Thanks for watching, beautiful people of YouTube…
I hope you found this video helpful.
Remember to have faith in No Contact, trust in the proven strategies and tips I’ve shared
in this video, and sign up for my 1-on-1 coaching if you find yourself in a unique situation
you don’t know how to handle.
Best of luck out there, talk to you in the comments below….
And see you again soon in my next video!