[Singing] Gonna talk about love this way. Gonna talk about love oh hey. 'Love. Love
is a thing that portrays the things closest to your heart. I'm quite tied up in that word
love.' Me in my 12 year old diary.
@BuellaPearl asks, 'What guidelines would you give for setting friends up romantically? Especially friends who whine that meeting people is hard.'
If you want to set friends up on a date the three guidelines that I would offer you based
on anecdotal evidence and also some research that I've done is that first of all, don't
be pushy. You know if a friend doesn't really want to be set up on a date, isn't comfortable
with the idea, then don't push it on them. Keep it casual. It might be a lot better to
set something up for a group outing so that these two people can interact in the casual
environment of being around their mutual friends rather than having the anxiety of having to
meetup alone for the blind date and that way it's more of like a test to see if they're
really all that compatible and leaves that actual date up to the two people which might
save you some trouble in the long-term because if they meetup and it's terrible, you know
who's going to get blamed is you. Thirdly, if you do want to set two friends up, if they're
down for it, if they seem like they're compatible then I say don't wait too long to do it. There's
this psychological effect that happens especially with online dating where if two people meet
online and they talk a lot online and wait for awhile before they actually meet up in
person that actually increases the people's chances of being disappointed. When you meet
online, you might see some pictures and you find them attractive, you like all of these
attributes in their profile and the conversation seems to go well and so you build up almost
this fantasy person who is going to be perfect. So if you wait too long you might allow one
of your friends to or both of them, to build up this idealized image of the other person
so that when they meet, it's like oh. @RequiemJayde has a question. 'How long do you think a couple
should be together before getting married? Do you think there is a good standard of,
"If you've been together for X amount of time and are still happy you're probably good to
move forward?' To me it's not so much a question of how long have you been together but why
do you want to get married in the first place? Regardless of whether you've been together
for six months or six years if you don't have a good answer to why get married, then don't
get married. If you've been together for a really, really, really, really, really, really
long time and marriage just seems like what you should do, that's not so much raising
a question of well what date should we set but rather what are we doing and what is your
ultimate motivation for wanting to essentially throw yourself an incredibly expensive party.
Which does sound awesome too. @Adhil asks, 'Hi Cristen, do you think that it is actually
possible for a man to live happily his entire life without any girl in his life?' Not to
be cheeky but yes I do because gay men exist. @Ashley Patricia asks, 'I was psych major
and I remember reading a study that said in hetero couples where the man was taller than
the woman, both partners reported being happier and more satisfied in the relationship.' Hmmm.
'Was wondering if you could dig that up, if it is true, and other similar scientific data
that correlates seemingly nonsense factors to more or less happiness in a relationship.'
When it comes to the scientific--"scientific"--studies that are often reported on in the media that
get the most headlines, there is a lot of correlation equating causation generally going
on, which is why with the studies I try to talk about in Stuff Mom Never Told You I take
the time to not just read the abstract of a study or just the headlines reporting on
the study because you need to dig into the methodology to find out what that scientist
is actually reporting on. A man being taller than a woman in a heterosexual context was
correlated to higher relationship satisfaction. I doubt that those researchers were actually
able to unravel that satisfaction within the relationships and trace it back to a height
difference. There are a million different things that are correlated to higher satisfaction
in couples. Incomes, where you live, what you're doing, how you long you've been together,
whether or not you have kids--it lowers for that--whether or not you're married, how often
you're having sex. I doubt so strongly that you could tie all of those things up, well,
if a man is taller. @Kalicat20 asks, 'What's your best break up blues cure?' Our brain
wiring when we are in love is basically the same of our brain wiring happening when we're
addicted to cocaine. And when we go through a breakup and we can't see that person that
triggers those kinds of dopamine responses, those happy pleasure centers in the brain
that fire up when we have those amazing times with the people we love, our brain goes into
a form of withdrawal and just like getting over a drug addiction, that withdrawal period
simply takes a certain amount of time to get over. To me the best breakup cure is reassuring
yourself that you know what your brain is going through a readjustment process, your
whole life is going through a readjustment process so the best thing that you can do
with all those ragged and frayed emotions that are happening is to try as much as you
can to refocus it into other outlets that are going to stimulate those reward centers
in your brain. Outside of just sitting around and feeling really bad for yourself and watching
terrible movies and drinking too much and all of these kind of go to habits that we
might want to form that would not be healthy. @jania25 asks, 'What's the best way to handle
a possible relationship with a coworker outside of work?' Office romance definitely happens
and blame Pam and Jim in the office for making everyone believe that it can actually work
out and you can live happily ever after. Personally I think that they're a terrible idea. Chances
are you're going to break up at some point and if you're still working at the same place
that's going to be so awkward. My best advice is to steer clear of that if at all possible
or just get another job so that you can date the person if it's all that important to you.
So that said the best way to handle a coworker relationship outside of work? You got to set
boundaries up front in terms of how you interact in the office, how you comport yourself in
the office. You want to remain professional in the workplace. Kristen Earley asks, 'You
did the video a wile back about preparing to move in with Professor Boyfriend, well
how did that go?' First of all I love our place. I love coming home from work and him
being here or me being here and him coming home from work. The whole routine of making
dinners, cleaning, watching movies, making videos, walking our dog, you know all of these,
all of these different things that seem very mundane but are kind of precious. So on the
flipside of that, what's been the hardest thing about living together? It's totally
been 100% on my end. It has been getting over the fact that he sees me in all of my states.
He sees me from start to finish and that can be terrifying cause you're like no I look
horrible, don't look at me, no you've got to look at me because we're living together
now. @Page Lee asks, 'What advice would you give to somebody who is nervous to talk to
their crush?' Oh Page. This is a hard one because the easy thing to say is don't be
nervous, he or she is just a person too. Oh my god that totally doesn't matter when those
butterflies are racing in your stomach when you see that person and your mouth dries up
and your brain freezes and you have no idea what to say beyond hello. You haven't even
thought about what to say next such as what have you been up to but that kind of normal
question will escape your brain because this crush is so intense so then you say something
like gotta pee, and then you leave. One thing you could do is just apply your basic tips
on conversing which sounds so basic but you know what for someone like me who does get
nervous in these kinds of situations, it really does help. Just keep it open-ended. Ask a
person questions, get that person talking about him or herself. @In fame asks, 'Do you
really think opposites attract?' There have been a lot of sociological studies on the
types of similarities and differences that long-term married couples have and it has
found that things like political beliefs, religious beliefs really do tend to align
with long-term couples. But if say you have opposite political beliefs, somebody is really
liberal and somebody is really conservative and yet they somehow have this amazing relationship,
that could be a sign that they've really got it going on in the communication department
because it means that they can have disagreements over things and yet remain respectful. I don't
think that it's necessarily the rule of thumb but it can definitely happen. @Katie Lunsford
asks, 'I love watching your channel!' Thank you Katie. 'What do you think about online
dating? Can long distance relationships work? And what are some steps to let your guard
down and be a bit more vulnerable?' I think online dating is great. There are some traps
in terms of us building up fantasies and a lot of people do have online dating horror
stories but overall I think it's, it's great, I don't think there's any shame in online
dating. I think that it can be addictive and frustrating. Overall I give it a thumbs up.
Can long distance relationships work? Yes, they can work, they are hard to make work
but they absolutely can work if you are 100% committed. A good rule of thumb for making
long-distance relationships work is having an endpoint to that long distance factor.
If it's just long distance for who knows how long, it's going to be a lot more challenging.
Letting the guard down, oooh, that's a challenging one for me. In my experience, letting my guard
down and being more vulnerable is often strongly related to how I feel about myself and my
confidence level. And also just trust. Even if it is a safe person and I'm at a place
where I might not be feeling so great about myself I don't want to be vulnerable because
I don't want them to see that. One way to get to a place of openness and vulnerability
which is a process that can take time is getting to a place where you're better with yourself.
Let's make next week all about friendship. The BFF episode and this is based on a question
from orangulent, 'How about a video about platonic relationships? Maintaining old friendships,
seeking out new ones. I'm especially interested in a discussion about how to meet new friends
as an adult!' Any questions about friendships, frenemies, resolving conflicts within friendships,
making new friends. Reconnecting with old friends. Curious to hear all of your questions
and of course again any questions that you have, go ahead and ask them below in the comments
and I'll see you next time.