Reflective listening is the ability to bounce back at them what they're saying
This is a skill that doesn't come naturally to us. When involved in a
conversation we tend to talk about ourselves or give advice, we try to make
them feel better or agree or disagree or tell stories. In order to be a good
reflective listener we need to set aside our own wants briefly and work to make
sure that your person gets your attention, your empathy, and that you show
them that you understand what they're saying.
Reflective listening helps people know if you're understanding them and at its
best it can help them clarify their thinking. It helps them understand what's
underneath those thoughts and emotions and helps them find solutions on their
own. So it's basically a magical magical thing! I spent a year learning this skill
in grad school and I've spent the next seven years reminding myself to use it.
It is my most powerful therapeutic tool but it's so simple that most people can
learn the basics and begin to practice it on their own. The simplest level of
reflective listening is to simply show them that you understand them by
summarizing what they say and asking them if you got it right. If you try to
do this without a relationship then this can sound really patronizing and
condescending so make sure to be sincere. Basically you take what they said and
you put it into your own words with a question mark at the end. So let's
use an example of a teen who really wants to go to a concert with his
friends he might say "Mom all my friends are going to this concert Ariana Grande
is the best singer ever! and the opening band is awesome and I've saved up all
the money and I just have to go you are so unfair!"
So staying on the content level you might say something like "You really want
to go to the concert tonight." This may seem so basic, so obvious that
we often just skip over it but remember good listening isn't just about
understanding it's about showing them that you understand. And making little
reflective statements like this can go a long way to help the other person feel
understood. It doesn't do you or them any good if
you understand them but they don't know it. Hearing
it back can be a good part of the healing process for some people. You can
also use this if you're unsure exactly what they mean for example you could say
"Let me see if I'm getting this straight you're angry with your sister because
she borrowed your astronomy books without asking?" it's also important to
ask if you got it right for example I was recently in a session with a couple
and the woman was explaining how it made her feel shut down and upset when her
husband always tried to solve her emotions instead of listening to her
while talking with the husband about empathic listening and he seemed
frustrated about her not accepting his quick advice I threw out a guess "So when
she doesn't accept your advice you feel rejected?" he took a moment paused and
then clarified "no it's not that he said I can handle my solutions being rejected
or even me personally being rejected it's that I just love fixing things it's
part of who I am" so I try it again "so you feel a little lost,
like unsure of what to do if you can't be a fixer?" he replied "Exactly! like what
is my role I want to be doing some good and if I can't fix anything I feel like
there's no point?" after I understood him and he knew I understood him I was able
to address his real concern by explaining that just listening to and
validating emotions can actually be more helpful and it genuinely does some good
and because he knew that I understood him he accepted me and my advice. This is
basically staying on the content level the next level is to use reflecting to
help them clarify their thoughts and make it more concrete so when people
understand why they're feeling or thinking that way then there's a greater
potential to find solutions or acceptance when this is done from a I
will fix you attitude this will feel like judgment so don't try to diagnose
them or be their therapist be sincere be humble be curious and ask questions to
clarify but not to guide the conversation so this is the emotion
level helping them understand their emotions so back to the concert
example you could say something like you're upset that I don't trust you or
you probably feel annoyed that I don't get you or you're feeling sad and angry
that you can't do something really important to you now at this point you
may be wondering why am I making these statements instead of just asking the
question are you feeling angry well here's why with good listening
statements are often better than questions because number one questions
are about your agenda and not theirs questions make it so that you are now
directing the conversation in the direction you want it to go instead of
being the listener who is trying to understand you become the person
deciding where the conversation should go you may hear what you want to hear
but they may not be able to say what they're trying to say this discourages
the other from speaking their mind number two questions often make the
other person feel interrogated or on the defensive and this leads them to being
less open now I'm not saying you should never ask questions but in general
people ask too many questions under the guise of listening try to catch yourself
let go of your agenda and use more reflective statements pay close
attention and you'll see that it will invite more openness at its very best
reflective listening it helps the speaker express and understand concepts
that are at the leading edge of their comprehension meaning they don't really
understand them yet but by talking about them and expressing them they'll learn
things about themselves and their emotions that they didn't know before
the conversation so this is the meaning level helping them express what all this
means to them so when we bounce back something at the meaning level we might
be saying something like you're afraid that I'm saying that you're a bad person
or you're not good enough to go to that concert
you really want to be trustworthy but it hurts to think that I don't believe in
your abilities you're frustrated that you don't have complete freedom in your
life yet and I bet it's really annoying to you to have rules that you don't
agree with maybe this makes you feel like you don't
have power over your own life or here's another example I'm pretty sure Marco
loves me but he doesn't put effort into big celebrations like my birthday or our
anniversary so you're feeling unappreciated and you wish for Marco to
be more thoughtful and chivalrous exactly for example for my birthday last
month dot-dot-dot and Amelia continues
expressing herself we don't need to go to the deepest level every time when we
use reflective listening we can address content feelings meanings and sum things
up here's some examples of how that would
sound so from your point of view it's it sounds like you're feeling you believe
it seems like what I guess you're feeling is it might be that you some
measure of guessing like making these tentative statements can be helpful
you're not trying to be a therapist but rather to help yourself and them better
understand also don't diagnose solve judge or argue don't tell the other
person their motives or analyze them your goal is not to figure them out but
to get on the same page with them show them that you understand by summarizing
asking to clarify and looking for deeper meaning this video is an excerpt from my
intensive course on how to help when someone you care about is depressed this
course has over 40 videos with specific skills that you can develop to be more
helpful for the person you love it includes how to help them open up and
ways to help if they won't talk what to do if they're suicidal and specific
strategies for managing your role it includes helpful things you can say or
do if you're interested in watching the whole course I'm giving it away for Half
Price with this code therapy nut check it out on udemy calm