In a world created by fat computer programmers, comes a film so epic, it increased ticket
prices three whole dollars.
Avatar.
Meet Jake Sully, a marine who is contacted by the government because his dead twin brother,
Tommy, was part of a secret scientific program that engineered expensive synthetic Avatar
bodies capable of being driven by human drivers when wired into a computer, but only if the
DNA genomes of the driver and Avatar body match, which Jake’s does because he’s
a twin.
So the government takes advantage of this fact by asking Jake to drive Tomy’s Avatar
body to a rich deposit of space coal called Unobtanium, which is sitting under a tree
called Home Tree, which is occupied by the native people called the Na’vi.
It’s kinda dumb.
Meet Neytiri.
But more importantly, meet her side-bloobs.
Together, they’ll learn: military bad.
Trees good.
Travel to a futuristic world of spaceships, Mech-Warriors and...
really crappy wheelchairs?
Follow along with a team of scientists who blend in with the natives by wearing the GAP
khaki collection.
Discover the Na’vi, a strong and noble race of blue Indians, fully in-tune with nature,
who are somehow helpless without the white man.
It’s actually kind of offensive when you think about it.
This December, prepare for three hours of eyeball twitching.
As you’re force-fed the most obvious message ever.
"They’re just goddamn trees!"
It will leave you wondering:
did I see her nipple?
Starring
the recycled plots from:
Dances with Wolves.
Pocahontas.
Last of the Mohicans.
An Inconvenient Truth.
Native American History.
And Fern Gully.
Papyrus.
Um, I mean, Avatar.
Ugh.
We get it.
We’ll recycle.
Please, just make another Terminator already.
Tell us what movie you want to see as an Honest Trailer next and leave a comment with a word
you’d like to hear me say in my awesome voice.
For example, jazzersize.
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