If you've been watching the news,
you know all anybody is talking about is the impeachment.
And you probably heard the words quid pro quo.
Quid pro quo is a Latin phrase.
And Latin is a goofy language that Sofia Vergara speaks.
She's from Latin America.
Basically it means you're trying to get someone
to do something for you in exchange for something else.
So like when I say to a police officer,
if you don't give me that speeding ticket,
I'll give you tickets to my show.
That's quid pro quo.
Little did he know it was for last week's show.
Sucker.
[LAUGHTER]
Anyway, all this talk inspired me
for a new and possibly illegal game.
It's called Quid Pro Quo.
Quid.
Pro.
Quo!
[APPLAUSE]
All right.
So what I'm going to do--
Hi.
Hi!
Hi.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
Hold this.
I like that outfit.
It's a whole little matching thing.
What a coincidence you'd find a shirt and a jacket
that are exactly the same.
Thank you.
What's your name?
Amanda.
Hi, Amanda.
Where do you live?
What do you do?
Riverside.
And I'm a job developer.
[APPLAUSE]
A job developer?
Yes.
You develop jobs?
Yes.
For people with disabilities.
Oh, good for you.
That's a wonderful thing.
[APPLAUSE]
All right.
Have you ever engaged in quid pro quo?
No.
OK.
Here's the thing.
You do me a favor, and I'm going to do something for you.
If you give me $1,000, I will upgrade you to a closer seat.
I will switch you with this lady right here.
[LAUGHTER]
I don't have $1,000.
Well, you can sit down.
You're not going to--
no quid pro quo.
[BUZZER]
OK.
All right.
Sit down.
Aw.
[LAUGHTER]
That's how it works.
[APPLAUSE]
Hi.
Who are you?
Where do you live?
What do you do?
My name's Janessa [INAUDIBLE] I live in Santa Fe Springs.
And I'm a college student.
OK.
What are you studying?
I'm studying sociology.
Uh-huh.
What are you going to do?
I want to be a high school counselor.
Oh, well, that's very nice.
Thank you.
We need some counselors in high schools, don't we?
[LAUGHTER]
We need counselors everywhere.
All right.
Have you ever been contacted by Rudy Giuliani?
No.
OK.
If you let me call any random person on your phone,
I'll give you two pairs of Ellen underwear.
OK.
Yeah.
Wow.
It was going to go all the way to a TV.
But OK.
[LAUGHTER]
I didn't think you'd do it for underwear.
But sure.
Give me your phone.
Here.
Hold her purse.
A TV?
Yeah.
And I had to turn it off.
So I'm turning it on.
Yeah.
I know.
That's good.
Tell me who's on your phone that I could call.
My dad.
Uh-huh.
My grandma.
Uh-huh.
My grandpa.
Uh-huh.
Friends.
Let me call your grandmother.
OK.
[LAUGHTER]
There you go.
What's her name?
Socorro.
Oh.
All right.
Are you calling her?
Yeah.
There you go.
OK.
[PHONE RINGING]
Socorro?
Socorro.
She speaks English?
Yeah, she does.
A little bit.
Oh, no.
Just a little bit?
She should answer.
She's not answering.
She's not home.
Who else can I call?
My brother.
OK.
Let's call your brother.
Oh, wait.
I know who we can call.
We could call my friend.
[LAUGHTER]
Here we go.
I'm sorry.
He'll answer.
What's his name?
Ralph.
Ralph?
Rafael.
Mhm.
[PHONE RINGING]
I'm sorry if he doesn't answer.
I don't think these people are real.
I think you have names in phones to make it look--
No.
Why aren't they answering?
He's with your grandma somewhere.
[LAUGHTER]
Someone's complaining?
Hey, Ralph.
What's up?
Ralph, what's up?
[LAUGHTER]
What happened?
Huh?
What?
So Jen called me [INAUDIBLE].
Yeah.
No.
I'm here with your friend.
My name's Janessa.
Hi.
How are you.
Janessa.
[LAUGHS]
Hello.
Yeah.
I'm with Janessa.
Yeah.
Who is this?
I'm sorry.
It's Janessa's friend.
Janessa's friend?
Yeah.
Ellen.
Oh.
[LAUGHTER]
Hi.
Ralph, what are you doing?
What's going on?
Nothing.
I just got home from school.
Yeah.
Well, you know, she's in trouble.
Right?
What'd she do?
What'd she do this time?
What did she not do?
[LAUGHTER]
No.
She's good.
We just thought we'd give you a call
and see what you were doing.
Oh, I'm just at home right now.
OK.
Just chilling?
Just chilling.
Yeah.
All right.
Cool.
All right.
Well, I'll talk to you later.
[LAUGHTER]
OK.
All right.
Are you there?
Yeah.
I'm still here.
Yeah.
OK.
All right.
Well, I gotta go now.
I gotta do a show.
But we'll talk later.
Call me.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
Thank you.
So you have Ellen underwear coming to you.
Turn that off again.
Oh, so sorry.
All right.
Turn that off.
And then here's your underwear.
And I'll also give you a TV, cause we tried
a lot of different [INAUDIBLE].
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
[APPLAUSE]
Hi.
How are you doing?
What's your name?
Where do you live?
What do you do?
My name is Lauren.
I live in Woodland Hills, California.
And I'm a sales coordinator for an investment firm.
All righty.
Have you ever had any business dealings in Ukraine?
No.
All right.
Here's what you're going to do.
tWitch is not here today.
OK.
So if you dance today--
OK.
I'll play some music.
You dance.
I give you a 65 inch TCL Roku TV.
OK.
All right.
Yes.
[APPLAUSE]
Head on down.
All right.
Let's do it.