ANNOUNCER:
President of the United States.
(cheers and applause)
Wow.
Unbelievable.
-Mr. President! -Mr. President! -Mr. President!
-Unbelievable. -Mr. President. -Mr. President.
You're welcome.
Thank you. Thank you.
First, let me just take a moment
to insult Jeff Sessions.
Jeff, you look like a melting Gap Kids mannequin.
Okay, Jeff?
You got it?
Moving on.
How do you respond to criticism of your ban
of transgender people in military service?
Like this:
I'd like to introduce you
to my favorite new team member
who I will eventually betray,
Anthony Scaramucci.
(cheers and applause)
-Thank you. -Wow.
Thank you. Thank you.
-Wow. Wow. -Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
I love the president. Thank you.
-I love the president. I love it. -I love you.
-I love you. I love you. -I love you.
-I love you. -I freaking love you.
(sighs)
(cheering and applause)
Thank you.
I'm gonna fire so many people.
I don't know who it's gonna be-- Reince--
but I'm gonna get to the bottom
of the leakage in the White House.
You hear me, Reince?
There's an old Italian expression
my mother used to use when somebody hurt her.
She'd say, "Stick the umbrella up my ass
-but don't open it.” -Wow.
I love ethnics.
And I love President Chump.
He's the love of my life, and I love love.
I love love.
I can suck my own (bleep).
Can you comment... can you comment on the fact
that only a few years ago, you supported Democrats,
were pro-choice and pro-gun control?
You talking to me or him?
Because we both did that.
It's like looking in a mirror.
-Ooey, ooey, ooey, ooey, ooey, ooey! -(laughs)
-Snap out of it! -(gasps)
(laughter)
This guy is phenomenal.
I've seen him at Madison Square Garden
in a topcoat, hitting foul shots.
Swish, swish.
It swished.
I've also seen him eat a live raccoon, bones and all,
and (bleep) out a Siamese house cat.
Wow.
Who is this guy? He sounds phenomenal.
-It's you! -It's me?
(laughs)
Yes, yes, my love.
This is the new reality,
which brings us to tonight's theme.
Tell them the theme, Mooch.
Joe Paterno.
What?
Scusa
The theme is reality.
That's right, reality.
I started out on reality TV,
and now I'm getting you to face the reality
that Russia is good, Europe is bad
and America is a sewer full of cesspools
overflowing with carnage.
It's terrible. It's terrible.
I don't like it. Correction, I love it.
I love it, too.
I can barely tell where you end and I start.
-I'm the president! -We're the president!
-Would you believe it? -Can you believe it?
BOTH: Let's roll!