- Wow, this is great.
Ah, and it feels good to be here.
I've had a very exciting last few months,
recently got engaged.
(audience cheers) So yeah. Thank you.
Yes, a childhood dream come true.
'Cause I was one of those kids, ever since I was a kid,
I was just like obsessed with the idea of love.
I was just like an eight-year-old walkin' sonnet
that love romcoms.
They were my jam.
Just any movie with a number in the title
and it's about love, I'm in.
"27 Dresses," "10 Things I Hate About You,"
"50 First Dates."
"8 Mile," amazing. Love it.
(audience laughs)
You know like if you took all the DVDs
in my childhood bedroom
and you lined them up next to each other,
it looked like a math equation
where the answer was Matthew McConaughy.
(audience laughs)
All right, all right, all right.
Wasn't an easy path though.
Lots of heartbreak, lots of breakups.
Ah, I remember my first breakup. I was 16.
It was a month and a half into the relationship.
She broke up with me and I was desperate to save it.
I was just like, "Tell me what to do. I'll do anything.
I'm malleable. I'm Play-Doh."
Like I was, I was simpping before the word simp existed.
Okay, like back then they just called me a pussy.
But, I just cared, I just cared.
And I'll never forget what she told me.
She looked at me and she just said,
"No, Daniel, you don't understand.
It's just the sound of your voice
(audience laughing)
infuriates me.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, brutal.
But I looked at her hopeful.
I was like, "How 'bout now?"
(audience laughing)
Didn't work, didn't work.
But it's okay 'cause now I found love.
We found each other.
But when I started dating her, there was this older comic,
very bitter dude, miserable, doesn't trust women.
And he was like, "Hey man, listen, she seems cool,
but you better be careful
'cause she might be a pre gold digger.
(audience laughing)
I was like, "You mean gold digger?"
He's like, "No, no, no. Pre gold digger.
See here's the thing.
She might just be with you because she thinks that one day
you're gonna be really successful and have a lot of money.
She's just waiting around for that."
(audience laughing)
I was like,
"So you mean a woman that believes in my dreams?"
(audience laughing)
Good to know. I'll keep an eye out for that.
(audience laughing)
Good.
My parents though, they're the reason
that I've always been obsessed with love,
'cause I grew up hearing their love story.
See, they met on a blind date,
got engaged on the second date,
married six months later,
happily married now for over 30 years.
(audience cheers)
Yeah. Beautiful story of love.
True story, my mom needed a green card and it worked out.
But you know, love, Love is love.
(audience laughing)
My dad's actually from Mexico, my mom is from Argentina,
and both of them are Jewish, so that's what happened here.
And yeah, if you wonder the arithmetic on that,
it's pretty much Mexican Jew plus Argentinian Jew
equals a guy that looks like he loves the Gap,
which is, which is true.
I do. I love a good pair of khakis.
(audience laughing)
Some people get thrown off when I say that I'm Latino.
Especially when I pronounce it Latino.
They're just like, "Yo,
(audience laughing)
somebody studied abroad."
Just like-
(audience laughing)
Spanish is my first language.
I'm very grateful for my parents
for teaching me how to speak Spanish,
but I got to that age where I got to school
and I found out that I could take Spanish class in school.
So all of a sudden, "Yo no hablo espanol."
I wanted to get that easy A.
But my grammar, it was trash.
So, and I never understood the imperfecto,
so C pluses all around.
And yeah, there's this one kid that would make fun of me.
He'd be like, "Oh, Daniel,
how did you get a C+ in Spanish if you speak Spanish?"
And I'd be like, "Oh, oh no, Caleb.
How the fuck did you fail English?"
(audience laughing)
Huh? If you speak English?
(indistinct) I'm never a fan of Caleb.
Never, never a fan.
(audience cheering)
I love going back to Mexico and Argentina
and visiting my family, especially my grandma in Mexico.
Oh, she's a badass.
She's 80, hardheaded, smokes cigarettes still,
pack a day, every day, killing it, her lungs.
(audience laughing)
I remember one time my sister
tried to guilt her to stop smoking cigarettes.
She looked at my grandma and she's like,
"Abuela, I want you, I want you to stop smoking cigarettes
because I want you to make it to my wedding."
It was a real poignant moment.
And my grandma, she looks at my sister
and she goes, (inhales)(exhales)
"When? When do you think you're going to get married?"
(audience laughs)
And my sister's like, "I don't know.
Maybe like in five or 10 years
when I meet the right person."
And my grandma looks at her and she goes, (inhales)(exhales)
"Yeah, I don't think I'm going to make it."
Which she says. She does not fear the Reaper, that woman.
My fiance's obviously come and like visited my family
in Mexico and Argentina,
and in an effort to better communicate with them
she started to learn how to speak Spanish,
which is very wonderful, very sweet,
but bad news for me because now I have to learn
how to actually say sexy things in the bedroom,
'cause up until now
I've been getting away with some bullshit.
'Cause here's the thing.
I've never like felt like a sexy dude.
But like Spanish, that was my secret weapon.
Especially with women that didn't speak Spanish
'cause I could say almost anything
and to them it just like sounded sexy.
I could be like, (speaks in Spanish).
Which means I'm gonna fuck you like a clown.
(audience laughing)
Accurate, not sexy.
(audience laughing)
And in the past it was fine, in the past it was fine.
She'd be like, "Oh yeah, Mr. Piatso!"
(audience laughing)
Then I had to be like,
"Yeah, that's not weird. It's cool, yeah."
But now she's a student.
She's like, "Oh yeah, what does that mean?"
And I'm like, "Oh no, I gotta pivot.
I gotta be sexy in English. I gotta translate.
So I try my best.
I'm like, "Ah yeah, no, it means I'm,
I'm gonna fuck you, like, like a lion. (roars)"
She's like, "Wait, isn't the word for lion leon?
And I'm like, "Oh yeah, it's one of those words
that doesn't translate well.
(audience laughing)
Different words mean different things
in different countries."
It's imperfecto, I got C plus 'cause of this shit.
So it's, don't think too hard about it. It's fine.
Start taking salsa classes together.
I'm not a very good salsa dancer, but I enjoy the class.
And we have our instructor, him and I have like inside jokes
because I'm the only one in class who speaks Spanish.
And by inside jokes,
I mean, he just makes fun of me in Spanish
and attacks my insecurities.
It's a good time. I paid to be more anxious apparently.
Is the deal.
But the other day we were in class
and I was feeling pretty good about myself.
I felt like I had some rhythm. I was just in the moment.
And then outta nowhere I hear him yell out,
(speaks in Spanish)
and I'm like, "This just called me a clown."
But my fiance heard and she's like, "Oh my God, baby.
He called you a lion. You're killing it, yes!"