HEY, HEY!
HERE'S SOMETHING YOU WOULDN'T EXPECT: ABSTINENCE-ONLY
EDUCATION IS MAKING A COMEBACK UNDER TRUMP.
WELL, I CAN THINK OF SOME WOMEN WHO ARE PRO-ABSTINENCE UNDER
TRUMP.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS ) WHO WOULD THAT BE?
AT LEAST ONE.
APPARENTLY, "ORGANIZATIONS APPLYING FOR FEDERAL FAMILY
PLANNING FUNDS MUST INCLUDE IN THEIR PROGRAMS A MEANINGFUL
EMPHASIS ON THE BENEFITS OF AVOIDING SEX."
AND THE BENEFITS OF AVOIDING SEX ARE REAL.
IT SAVES YOU HUSH MONEY, YOUR LAWYER DOESN'T GET RAIDED BY THE
FEDS, AND YOUR WIFE WILL STILL TALK TO YOU WHEN THE CAMERA
TURNS OFF.
( LAUGHTER ) ALLEGEDLY.
ALLEGEDLY.
IMPORTANTLY, ABSTINENCE MEANS REDUCING THE RISKS OF PRODUCING
ANOTHER ERIC.
( LAUGHTER ) THE DANGER IS REAL.
IN FACT, THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION HAS SUNK OVER
$75 MILLION INTO THEIR ABSTINENCE-ONLY PROGRAM.
HOW CAN AN ABSTINENCE EDUCATION PROGRAM COST
$75 MILLION?
HOW DO YOU SPEND MONEY ON NOT GIVING AWAY CONDOMS?
DRAG OVER THE PINS.
THESE ARE CONDOMS.
THESE ARE SAFETY PINS.
NO.
NOT THIS ONE, EITHER.
DON'T DO IT.
AND AT U.N. MEETINGS IN MARCH ABOUT THE INTERNATIONAL GENDER
EQUALITY, TRUMP ADMINISTRATION OFFICIALS PROPOSED TEACHING
WOMEN "SEXUAL REFUSAL SKILLS."
IN FACT, THERE ARE ALREADY 19 WOMEN WHO ACCUSE DONALD TRUMP OF
OFFERING THEM FREE WORKSHOPS.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW-- ALLEGEDLY.
NOW, STUDIES AND TEENAGERS HAVE SHOWN THAT ABSTINENCE-ONLY
EDUCATION DOESN'T WORK.
IN FACT, THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION PUSHED FOR
COMPREHENSIVE SEX EDUCATION, AND IN 2016, TEEN BIRTH RATES HIT AN
ALL-TIME LOW, LEADING TO THE HIT
YES.
YES!
LEADING TO THE HIT MTV SHOW, "16 AND PURSUING MY CAREER."
SPEAKING OF SEX, WASHINGTON, D.C., IS FULL OF POWERFUL
PEOPLE.
BUT DID YOU KNOW IT'S ALSO FULL OF SMOKIN' HOTTIES?
SINCE 2004, "THE HILL" HAS PUBLISHED ITS LIST OF THE MOST
ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE IN OUR SIMPLY KNOWN AS PILFS 4
THAT'S "POLITICO I'D LIKE TO FRIEND"-- AS, CORY BOOKER, PAUL
RYAN, AND RAND PAUL.
OHHH, I TOTALLY SEE IT.
I WOULD LOVE TO RUN MY HAND THROUGH HIS HAIR, THEN USE MY
OTHER HAND TO DISLODGE MY FIRST HAND.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS UP THERE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S GOT.
>> Jon: DON'T BITE THE HAND THAT FEEDS YOU.
>> Stephen: I HOPE IT'S AN HERBIVORE UP THERE.
BUT BAD NEWS IF YOU WERE EXCITED ABOUT THIS YEAR'S EDITION FOR
SOME REASON, BECAUSE "THE HILL" IS GETTING RID OF ITS "50 MOST
BEAUTIFUL" LIST.
YEAH.
NOW WHERE WILL I FIND PICTURES OF PASSABLY ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE IN
ILL-FITTING BUSINESS ATTIRE?
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S JUST YOU AND ME NOW,
J.C. PENNEY CATALOGUE.
BUT THIS NEWS HIT SOME MEMBERS OF CONGRESS HARD, INCLUDING UTAH
SENATOR AND LAWYER WHO BEAT ATTICUS FINCH, ORRIN HATCH.
HATCH TWEETED THIS IN RESPONSE TO THE NEWS: "YOU WAKE UP EARLY
EVERY DAY TO COMB YOUR HAIR AND PICK OUT THE BRIGHTEST SHIRT/TIE
COMBO WITH YOUR STRONGEST PINSTRIPE SUIT, THINKING THIS IS
GOING TO BE THE YEAR, THEN THIS HAPPENS."
HA-HA-HA-HA-HA.
( APPLAUSE ) DON'T YOU HAVE OTHER THINGS TO
WORRY ABOUT?
SO WHY WOULD "THE HILL" DO THIS?
WELL, ACCORDING TO THEIR EDITOR IN CHIEF, "IT'S BEEN A
GREAT RUN, BUT ALL THINGS MUST COME TO AN END.
REST IN PEACE."
SO FAREWELL, "50 MOST BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE" LIST.
WE'LL JUST HAVE TO BE SATISFIED WITH "THE HILL'S" ANNUAL FEATURE
"EVERYONE HERE IS A GARGOYLE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.