WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS-- YOU GUYS CHECK OUT THE INTERNET
LATELY.
I SAW THIS YESTERDAY.
THERE'S THIS GREAT STORY ABOUT A MOTH DRINKING SLEEPING BIRD'S
TEARS.
>> Jon: WOW!
>> Stephen: WELL, THAT'S TONIGHT'S TOP STORY.
( LAUGHTER ) NOTHING ELSE GOING ON.
( LAUGHTER ) GOD, I WISH I WAS THAT BIRD.
( LAUGHTER ) OR THAT MOTH.
BECAUSE I'M ALL GOOD ON TEARS.
OKAY, I LIED.
THE TOP STORY IS STILL ABOUT SUPREME COURT NOMINEE AND MAN
COUNTING HIS ACCUSERS, BRETT KAVANAUGH.
( LAUGHTER ) LET ME-- LET ME-- LET ME DO THIS
QUICKLY AS I CAN, BECAUSE IT'S IMPORTANT.
BUT WE HAVE TO GET TO THE PRESIDENT'S PRESS
CONFERENCE, BECAUSE IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
THIS MORNING, WE LEARNED NEW ALLEGATIONS AGAINST KAVANAUGH
FROM A WOMAN NAMED JULIE SWETNICK, AND SHE SAYS THAT BACK
IN HIGH SCHOOL, SHE "ATTENDED "WELL OVER TEN" PARTIES WHERE
KAVANAUGH WAS PRESENT AND SAW HIM "DRINK EXCESSIVELY AT MANY
OF THESE PARTIES AND ENGAGE IN ABUSIVE AND PHYSICALLY
AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR TOWARDS GIRLS."
NOW, DO WE WANT SOMEONE ON THE SUPREME COURT WHO TREATED WOMEN
THIS WAY, EVEN IN HIGH SCHOOL?
>> Audience: NO!
>> Stephen: I'M NOT SURE WE EVEN WANT SOMEONE WHO EVEN
ATTENDED 10 PARTIES IN HIGH SCHOOL.
WE WANT NERDS, DAMMIT!
BUT FROM THERE-- ( APPLAUSE )
FROM THERE-- ( APPLAUSE )
I GOTTA WARN YOU, I GOTTA WARN YOU, SINCERELY, FROM THERE HER
STATEMENT GETS EXTREMELY DARK.
SHE SAYS THAT SHE WITNESSED KAVANAUGH AND HIS FRIEND, MARK
JUDGE, DOSE THE PUNCH AT MULTIPLE PARTIES WITH WHAT SHE
SUSPECTS WAS GRAIN ALCOHOL AND QUALUUDES, SO THAT THE GIRLS
COULD BE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED BY MULTIPLE BOYS.
AND SHE SAYS THAT "IN APPROXIMATELY 1982, I BECAME THE
VICTIM."
ALL OF THAT IS, OF COURSE, HORRIFYING TO CONTEMPLATE.
KAVANAUGH HAS RESPONDED TO THE ALLEGATIONS IN A STATEMENT,
SAYING, "THIS IS RIDICULOUS AND FROM THE TWILIGHT ZONE, AND I
DON'T KNOW WHO THIS IS.
>> FIRST OF ALL, LET'S NOT MALIGN
THE GOOD NAME OF "THE TWILIGHT ZONE"!
AVAILABLE NOW ON CBS ALL ACCESS!
$9.99 A MONTH, NO COMMERCIALS.
SECOND, HE MIGHT CLAIM TO NOT KNOW HER, BUT SHE SEEMS TO KNOW
HIM.
IN HER STATEMENT, SWETNICK SAYS SHE "ALSO WITNESSED SUCH CONDUCT
ON ONE OCCASION IN OCEAN CITY, MARYLAND, DURING 'BEACH WEEK.'"
NOW, WE DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THERE WAS SOMETHING CALLED "BEACH
WEEK."
I SUPPOSE WE COULD LOOK AT THE 1982 CALENDAR KAVANAUGH
SMITTY TO SEE-- OKAY, THERE YOU GO.
THERE IS-- WOW, WOW, AIN'T THAT A BEACH.
SO SWETNICK MADE THIS SWORN STATEMENT UNDER PENALTY OF
PERJURY.
KAVANAUGH, ON THE OTHER HAND, CATEGORICALLY DENIES IT, AND
MANY OF HIS FRIENDS SAY THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHO THIS WOMAN IS.
HOW DO YOU KNOW THE TRUTH?
IF ONLY THERE WAS SOME BUREAU ON THE FEDERAL LEVEL THAT COULD
INVESTIGATE THINGS.
A B.F.I., IF YOU WILL.
( LAUGHTER ) BY THE WAY, THE NEW HIT DRAMA,
"F.B.I.," ALSO AVAILABLE ON CBS ALL ACCESS, FROM EXECUTIVE
PRODUCER, WOLF DICK.
( APPLAUSE ) SO IT WAS AGAINST THIS BACKDROP
THAT THE PRESIDENT DECIDED TO CALL ONLY HIS FOURTH PRESS
CONFERENCE SINCE BECOMING PRESIDENT THIS AFTERNOON.
IN FACT, WHEN I WALKED OUT HERE TO DO THIS, IT WAS STILL GOING
ON.
HE WAS STILL TAKING QUESTIONS AS I WALKED ON STAGE.
HE STARTED BY DEFENDING WHY HE DIDN'T CALL FOR AN F.B.I.
INVESTIGATION INTO THE ACCUSERS' CLAIMS.
>> THE F.B.I. TOLD US THEY'VE INVESTIGATED JUDGE KAVANAUGH SIX
TIMES, FIVE TIMES-- MANY TIMES OVER THE YEARS.
THEY KNOW HIM VERY WELL.
BUT HERE THERE WAS NOTHING TO INVESTIGATE FROM AT LEAST ONE
STANDPOINT.
THEY DIDN'T KNOW THE LOCATION.
THEY DIDN'T KNOW THE TIME.
THEY DIDN'T KNOW THE YEAR.
THEY DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING.
AND IT'S LIKE WHERE DO YOU GO?
>> Stephen: YEAH.
WHERE DO YOU GO?
OTHER THAN TO ASK PEOPLE QUESTIONS.
( LAUGHTER ) I'D LOVE TO SEE HOW DONALD TRUMP
PLAYS REQUESTED CLUE."
"WHO KILLED MR. BODY?
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO KNOW, UNLESS WE OPEN THAT TINY
ENVELOPE!
AND WE'VE ALREADY OPENED IT FIVE, MAYBE SIX TIMES BEFORE."
THEN, THEN TRUMP-- ( APPLAUSE )
"CLUE" FANS.
BIG FANS OF COLONEL MUSTARD HERE TONIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) THEN TRUMP SUMMED UP HIS
FEELINGS ABOUT THESE ALLEGATIONS.
>> A BIG, FAT CON JOB.
>> Stephen: THAT IS A HARSH ATTACK ON THESE WOMEN, BUT
IT WOULD MAKE AN HONEST SLOGAN: "TRUMP 2020: A BIG FAT CON JOB."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 239.
TECHNICALLY, A 239-POUND CON JOB.
( LAUGHTER ) HE WENT ON TO EXPLAIN THAT, JUST
LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE, THIS IS ALL A CONSPIRACY AGAINST HIM.
>> I THINK WHEN YOU REALLY LOOK AT IT ALL, IT'S NOT GOING TO
CHANGE ANY OF THE DEMOCRATS' MINDS.
THEY'RE OBSTRUCTIONISTS.
AND THEY GO INTO A ROOM, AND I GUARANTEE YOU THEY LAUGH LIKE
HELL AT WHAT THEY PULLED OFF ON YOU AND ON THE PUBLIC.
THEY LAUGH LIKE HELL.
>> Stephen: "THEY LAUGH LIKE HELL... NOT AS LOUD AS THE U.N.
LAUGHED AT ME, BUT STILL, PRETTY LOUD.
HELLO.
IS THIS ON?
HELLO."
( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
AND WHEN FAKE NEWS CNN'S JIM ACOSTA GOT A CHANCE TO ASK A
QUESTION, HE MADE A SUGGESTION TO THE PRESIDENT.
>> IF YOU DON'T MIND, AFTER I'M FINISHED, IF WEIJIA OR HALLIE OR
VIVIAN, OR ONE OF OUR FEMALE COLLEAGUES COULD GO AFTER ME,
THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
MR. PRESIDENT, JUST TO FOLLOW UP ON THESE ALLEGATIONS AGAINST
BRETT KAVANAUGH-- >> WHAT DOES HE MEAN BY THAT?
EXPLAIN.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
>> I THINK IT WOULD BE GREAT IF A FEMALE--
>> NO, WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
>> IT'D BE GREAT IF A FEMALE REPORTER COULD ASK A QUESTION
ABOUT THIS ISSUE.
SO IF YOU DON'T MIND.
>> I WOULDN'T MIND THAT AT ALL.
WOULDN'T MIND AT ALL.
WOULDN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE TO ME.
GO AHEAD.
>> Stephen (AS TRUMP): "MAN, WOMAN, ANIMAL, DOESN'T MAKE ANY
DIFFERENCE TO ME.
I WILL ANSWER ALL YOUR QUESTIONS IN A BONE-CHILLING RAMBLE."
( LAUGHTER ) THAT BEING SAID, KIND OF A DIC
QUESTION, JIM ACOSTA.
WE GET IT.
YOU'RE WOKE.
THEN THE PRESIDENT WARNED AMERICA THAT #METOO IS AN
INSATIABLE CARNIVOROUS BEAST THAT IS COMING FOR EVERYONE.
>> PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE SCARED, BECAUSE WE COULD SAY IT
ABOUT YOU-- 35 YEARS AGO YOU-- AND YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW WHAT'S
GOING ON.
WHAT IS GOING ON?
YOU KNOW, IT CAN HAPPEN THE OTHER WAY.
ALLEGATIONS CAN GO THE OTHER WAY, ALSO.
YOU UNDERSTAND THAT.
I COULD PICK A WOMAN, AND SHE COULD HAVE CHARGES MADE FROM
MANY YEARS AGO, ALSO.
>> Stephen (AS TRUMP): "I MEAN, REALLY, AT THIS POINT, PRETTY
MUCH EVERYONE I KNOW HAS CHARGES AGAINST THEM."
( LAUGHTER ) "SO, YOU KNOW.
ARE YOU A COP?
YOU HAVE TO TELL ME IF YOU'RE A COP."
( APPLAUSE ) BUT WHEN IT COMES TO THE
KAVANAUGH HEARING TOMORROW, TRUMP WANTS YOU TO KNOW HE'LL
BE ALL OVER IT.
>> I'M GONNA BE WATCHING, YOU KNOW, BELIEVE IT OR NOT.
>> Stephen: SIR, IT IS HARD TO BELIEVE YOU DO ANYTHING BUT
WATCH TV.
AND-- AND-- ( APPLAUSE )
AND HE PUT THIS HEARING IN HISTORICAL PERSPECTIVE.
>> LOOK, IF WE BROUGHT GEORGE WASHINGTON HERE, AND WE
SAID, "WE HAVE GEORGE WASHINGTON," THE DEMOCRATS WOULD
VOTE AGAINST HIM, JUST SO YOU UNDERSTAND.
AND HE MAY HAVE HAD A BAD PAST, WHO KNOWS?
YOU KNOW.
HE MAY HAVE HAD HAD SOME, I THINK, ACCUSATIONS MADE.
DIDN'T HE HAVE A COUPLE THINGS IN HIS PAST?
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH, A COUPLE OF THINGS, A COUPLE OF
THINGS.
THAT CHERRY TREE.
THE FAKE TEETH.
AND OH, YEAH.
HE OWNED SLAVES.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT TRUMP KNOWS WHAT THESE WOMEN
WERE GOING THROUGH.
>> IT DOESN'T MEAN THEY HAD TO REPORT IT.
BECAUSE, IN SOME INSTANCES, PEOPLE KEEP IT QUIET.
IT'S A VERY TOUGH SITUATION FOR A WOMAN.
THERE'S NO QUESTION.
>> Stephen (AS TRUMP): "AND I SHOULD KNOW.
I HAVE PUT WOMEN IN THAT SITUATION A LOT.
OKAY.
I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT."
( APPLAUSE ) ONE REPORTER TRIED TO GET A
LITTLE MORE DETAIL ON HIS PAST ACCUSATIONS.
>> HOW HAVE YOUR PERSONAL EXPERIENCES BEING ACCUSED BY
MORE THAN A DOZEN WOMEN-- >> I'VE BEEN ACCUSED.
FALSE ACCUSATIONS.
EXCUSE MY, EXCUSE ME.
>> Stephen (AS TRUMP): "EXCUSE ME.
EXCUSE ME.
SHUT UP, REPORTER LADY.
I'M TRYING TO TELL THESE PEOPLE HOW WOMEN DESERVE TO BE HEARD.
EXCUSE ME.
NO, ZIP IT.
STOP.
" ( APPLAUSE )
BUT THEN HE SEAMLESSLY BROUGHT IT ALL BACK TO INTERNATIONAL
RELATIONS.
>> WE WERE DEALING AT A VERY HIGH LEVEL WITH JAPAN.
AND I WAS SAYING THINGS THAT NOBODY IN THE ROOM EVEN
UNDERSTOOD.
>> Stephen: FINALLY, FINALLY-- ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) FINALLY, HE SAID SOMETHING TRUE!
( LAUGHTER ) ANYWAY, THE PRESS CONFERENCE IS
STILL GOING ON?
JUST ENDED.
IT JUST ENDED.
I WALKED AWAY WHILE HE WAS STILL ON THE TV.
AND I ENCOURAGE YOU TO GO WATCH IT.
WITH SOMEONE YOU LOVE.
AND I CAN'T CONVEY TO YOU THE SHAMBLING MESS THAT ASSURED NO
ONE WHO IS GOING TO SEE IT.
BUT THEY'RE GOING AHEAD WITH THE HEARING TOMORROW WITH ONLY ONE
OF THE ACCUSERS, RIGHT?
ONE OF THE ACCUSERS.
NO WITNESSES, AND A VOTE AT 9:30 THE NEXT DAY.
NOW, I AM NOT NORMALLY IN THE BUSINESS OF GIVING REPUBLICAN
SENATORS ADVICE, BUT, GENTLEMAN-- AND I USE THAT TERM
INACCURATELY-- ( LAUGHTER )
YOU NEED TO CALL FOR AN F.B.I.
INVESTIGATION NOW AND GET TO THE TRUTH OF ALL THESE DARK
ALLEGATIONS-- ( APPLAUSE )
BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T, THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH MOTHS IN THE WORLD TO
DRINK YOUR TEARS ON NOVEMBER 6.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
CANDICE BERGEN IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, DONUTS!