Question: My son is having a hard time at school
I get calls from his teacher constantly about his behavior
I've done all I can think to help him
but nothing has worked.
Answer: OK something that I need you to understand
about people in general, but especially children,
is that they set you up to feel how they feel.
So I want you to stop as a parent right now at this minute.
And I want you to ask yourself
"How is this child making me feel?"
Yes, I'm giving you some time.
Chances are this child is making you feel completely out of control
chances are this child is making you feel like you have low self esteem
this is exactly how this child feels.
and if you want to change the behavior
you've gotta change the feeling that underlies that behavior
So, that means, if you have a child who feels out of control
how can you give that child back control that worked for you?
and one of the best practices there is,
depending on how young the child is,
you can kind of extend it when they're older.
But one of the best practices for creating control in a child,
or a sense of personal control,
is to give them choices, tuns of choices every day.
When I'm working with children who are young,
one of my favorite things to do with them is,
have them make choices that are retarded to an adult.
things like, do you want this fork or this fork?
They are the exact same fork right?
Let's say you've got eleven forks in your cabinet.
They are the same looking fork, it doesn't matter.
This fork or this fork?
And the kid being able to choose
makes it so the kid feels a sense of personal empowerment
They don't feel like they're in as much of a prison.
Creating schedules for a child that are predictable
having a little calendar for them where they can see
what happens on a given day.
It tends to add to that sensation of control.
Because chances are the behaviors this child is exhibiting
is an attempt to try to create that.
But of course what do we know about coping mechanisms?
often times when we try to cope in certain ways,
it becomes a determent to our external reality.
We don't always cope in ways that make life easy for other people,
or easy for us long term.
Cuz we just don't have the tools.
So give the child different tools to get the emotional experience
that they're actually lacking and needing.
So, and another issue of course here,
if this child is making you feel low self esteem
that child feels low self esteem.
What we've gotta guard against,
and I don't care is you have to pull this child
out of one school and put them in another to do it,
is that this child is at risk of becoming
"The Problem Child"
Now if what they're feeling to begin with
is a decrease in self esteem,
"I don't feel like I have enough of it."
Do you think it's a very smart idea to have them in a location where
people are constantly focusing at them as if they are the problem?
No. It has to change.
And it takes a great deal of personal integrity
and also, real consciousness for teachers
with these difficult type children,
to not be projecting towards the child
that the child is messed up.
But they have to be in an environment like that,
especially if they've got ADHD or likewise behaviors
that tend to be an issue in our standardized school system.
So, I really need you to be thinking about what's the best for this child.
Growing up in an atmosphere where everyone is looking at them
like they're doing something wrong,
is not going to benefit, it's going to be internalized
and they're going to act in accordance with that identity they assume.
But, your best bet right now is to figure out
how this kid is making you feel,
realize that's how he feels
and find different strategies for how to create
improvement upon that state of feeling.
And I have an entire community called:
The Teal Tribe Parenting Community,
One of the best things to do
and one of the reasons that I even set up that community
is because it's really important for us as parents
to be able talk about these types of issues.
So if I were you, once you figure out how this kid is making you feel,
I would say OK, that's how my kid feels
So I'd post in there: "My child is feeling X,Y,Z.
Do you have an suggestions for how I could create
the opposite experience for this child?"
And have a lot of different parents brainstorm
on ways that you could maybe have that happen.
That's my suggestion.
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