Going no contact with your manipulative mother could sound like a extreme measure that it's
going to make you feel guilt or shame, but what if you have already tried everything
else?
Society usually gives mothers carte blanche under the premise that they give the ultimate
gift: Life. But they are human beings, and as such, they can be manipulative, narcissistic,
sociopathic, you name it.
The problem is that the daughters and sons of these mothers have a lot of trouble and
spend many years trying to understand why their own life is so miserable, and why does
everyone else seems to get along so well with their own mothers.
By the time they reach adulthood, most of them will try to act as adults. Try to heal
the relationship with their mother, try to make it work, try to find a middle ground.
But for those who have a manipulative mother, you know that there is never a middle ground.
There's always a battle and you have to keep your guard up at all times.
That's the point when you consider ghosting them. And I mean not having any contact, of
any nature. Now, many people think that this is an act of 'weakness'. That you should be
strong enough to understand, to talk, to not pay attention to her flaws, and the fact is
that you've been doing exactly that for years, even decades, to no avail.
You feel anxious, you feel devoid of energy or motivation, maybe you feel depressed, you
have mood swings, and you have come to realize that these symptoms go away when you catch
a few days without having to deal with your mother.
And I say deal, because talking or texting her always feels like a hostage negotiation.
Now, this video is going to be split into three parts:
- How to confirm that she's manipulating you, - Verify that you've tried every option to
heal the relationship, and - In case that you proceed to ghost her, how
to deal with society's fallout.
Welcome back, my Body Language Buddies! my name is Jesús Enrique Rosas, I'm the Body
Language Guy, and It would be great if you join us... by just liking this video, subscribing
and hitting that bell. Let's get down to it!
#1 Is she really manipulative?
The obvious first step before deciding to block your mother from every communication
channel is confirming that she's a narcissist, or at least a manipulator, or even a sociopath.
You don't need to wait until she is clinically diagnosed by a psychiatrist, because if she's
an actual narcissist, for example, good luck convincing her that she needs to go to any
kind of therapy.
The most important red flag that tells you there's something wrong with your mother is
that you always feel like you have to put your guard up. Wether it's talking to her,
being casually around her or even just texting her thousands of miles away, you always feel
the need to be two steps ahead.
You will notice that whenever you answer or reply to anything that she says, there are
consequences, and you're constantly thinking "How will she react if I say this or this",
because you've confirmed many times that no matter if you go along with her opinions or
against them, there is going to be some kind of argument.
Another red flag is that she is constantly asking questions about your life, to the point
of making you feel uncomfortable. Of course, most mothers want to know if their daughters
or sons are OK, but when it's a healthy relationship, they let YOU do the talking.
In a healthy relationship, you've spent enough years confirming that a conversation with
your mother puts you at ease. You know that you can talk without being judged, and if
she's got any suggestions, it's up to you to apply them or not.
But a conversation with a manipulative mother feels like an interrogation with the Taliban
and the CIA combined. There's questions about your finances, questions about your sexual
life, questions about your life decisions, questions about your partner, your children...
and the most important factor is that it always feels like a judgment.
Sometimes the judgment is subtle, sometimes it's openly critisizing your life, your decisions,
and even the life and decisions of your loved ones.
There's always one cousin that is doing better than you, one neighbor that makes better decisions
than you, the daughter of a friend that married better than you... that classmate that you
hated at school, that you haven't seen in fifteen f****g years, well, guess what? she
saw them on Facebook and of course, their life is better than yours, too.
You feel this enormous pressure over your shoulders all the time, and you even find
yourself rehearsing, practicing, anticipating possible conflicts with your mother. And it
almost never works, because she always manages to upset you in some way.
Do you think it's normal, or healthy, that good things happen to you, or you get a sweet
victory at your job, or at a personal project, or with your family that makes you feel real
good, but you instantly flip a switch when you think "How is my mother going to react
to this when I tell her?"
You cannot even enjoy your own victories because there's always this ominous shadow over you.
Like you have to explain yourself, even when things go smooth.
And let's say you go on a trip to the mountains, somewhere that you have next to no cellphone
signal. Do you feel at peace, but especially because she cannot reach out to you?
We need to talk about another couple points first, so you can better understand the tool
that I'm going to give you at the end of this video, and one of those points is confirming
that you've tried every possible option outside going full no contact with her.
#2 Confirm that You've tried everything else
And this is extremely important because I cannot stress enough how critical is that
you do everything that is in your power to make the relationship with your mother work.
That will help you deal with any guilt, in case you go no contact with her, as you'll
be sure that you did everything that you could.
There is one very clear signal, that is how many times your mother has said words like
this:
- Things are going to change from now on - I promise this time will be different
- I deserve at least one more opportunity
There's always this narrative of having a second chance, that things are going to change,
promises made... but either nothing changes or the manipulation just pauses, only to be
reactivated a couple days, a couple weeks, a couple months later.
Repeating the manipulation pattern over and over again is NOT doing everything you can
to fix things. That's just falling into the manipulator's game. You want to put an end
to those games. You want to achieve peace of mind. You want to confirm if the relationship
with your mother has any possibility of being fixed.
And there is one very clear action that you can take to confirm that this is a lost battle.
That action is this. You have to talk to her, and be absolutely clear and transparent about
your own emotions and your feelings. Letting her know about how she makes you feel, the
times you think she hasn't been just or fair to you, and of course, the times you know
you screwed up and your own responsibility in all this.
This is a very difficult step to take because you're literally exposing your whole vulnerability
to her. And of course, this would be a difficult step even if this was a healthy relationship.
But we are talking of years trying to hide your emotions and reactions, to prevent upsetting
her, or not getting hurt.
This step is also dangerous. Because exposing your full vulnerability to your manipulative
mother, means that you are giving her the full toolbox to make your life miserable in
ways that you cannot imagine. But in that sense, it's also a bait.
If she still got any kind of empathy within her, she will feel compelled to open up too.
Just be aware that a manipulative person could make up or fake that opening up just to fool
you.
How do you finally confirm that she's manipulative? Because sooner or later she will use any of
those vulnerabilities that you exposed against you. You will feel really angry. You will
feel betrayed. You will feel stupid for sharing your emotions with her. But that was the only
way. To throw a genuine emotional bait.
If you look for professional help, it must be to help YOU heal, not to change her. If
anyone realizes they're manipulative and want to change, they must be responsible on their
own. I cannot stress this enough. You are not responsible for their behavior, or their
willingness to change. Nothing.
If your mother keeps playing the victim every time you have an argument, and suddenly acts
like nothing happened, and half an hour later it feels like you're receiving a complete
shitstorm for absolutely no reason and then she plays the victim again and this goes on
and on and on...
Then I don't think you need any further confirmation on how to proceed.
One final warning: act like you're absolutely alone in this. Do not believe for a second
that your brothers and sisters are going to make the same decision or even support, or
even understand you. Don't expect encouraging words from your father. You can be sure that
your mother saw this coming from some time ago and she has been "preparing" them to pick
one side.
And SPOILER ALERT! it's not your side.
#3 Dealing with the Society Fallout
So, you already know that there is absolutely nothing that you can do to sustain any kind
of relationship with your mother without taking serious hits to your own well being, or the
well being of your children and your partner.
And this can be really confusing and frustrating, because you keep running into other people
that are genuinely happy to hang out with their moms or even really missing them if
they're away, or having a relationship based on respect.
Does that even exist?
You really question it, because you've never experienced that. You've never experienced
a relationship with your mother based on respect. You feel that since you were born, it has
been a struggle. At first, when you were young, the stress of constantly pleasing, or at least
not upsetting her; and as you grew older, it transformed into a game of cold war survival,
in which you are the one who always needs to understand, to tolerate, to look away or
even play dumb to avoid arguments or breakdowns.
No one deserves that kind of life.
But society is a b*tch. And, if people find out, and they will, that you ghosted your
mother and cut every communication with her, they are going to crucify you. Ironically,
the attacks will mostly come from those who have a relationship of respect with their
mothers, and don't have the slightest idea of what is living with a narcissistic, manipulative,
sociopathic mother.
And yes, there are going to be people that are going to see what you did, that are going
to support your decision... but they are not going to say a single word to you about it.
They wish they could do the same, but they could not stand society's judgment. But anyway,
their opinion is meaningless because you are never going to know it.
Do not expect anyone besides your partner and your children to understand or much less
support your decision. I can tell you, that there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Your life always comes first. And I'm sure that the comments of this video are going
to reflect the experiences of people who had no other option than ghosting their own mothers,
and they feel like they have broken free from a prison.
The action to take is simple. Getting to that decision, on the other hand, can be really
difficult, just because you can be really confused about how you feel about your mother,
how society could judge you, how guilty you feel about even considering this.
Maybe you feel like there is something wrong with you, that you're broken, or you're going
to be punished in some way if you even think about ghosting your mother.
And that's why journaling is so important. That's the tool I wanted to talk you about.
To literally keep track of your interactions with her. And before you start journaling
and writing down every interaction, you should do an honest assessment of your relationship
with her since your first memories.
It's critical to qualify her actions in terms of how the outcomes affected you. Were they
positive for you, were they negative for you or were they neutral?, and keep a score.
I know, "She always had the best intentions", that's a sentence that is going to ring in
your mind over and over again. Just realize that this belief about "good intentions" will
not go away easily, and your job is just to write down what happened and how it affected
you.
It sounds cold and practical but that's exactly what you need. A rational assessment of your
interactions with your mother.
Reviewing that journal once a month is going to help you have a better perspective of what
is going on in this relationship. And in the end, it will be a great tool and support to
make a decision that no one else can make for you.
One final thought: The fact that your mother gave life to you, does NOT mean that she has
the right to make your life miserable. And the fact that you have that life beating in
your chest, means that you've got the responsibility of living the best life possible.
And if it means taking extreme measures, so be it.
I've got more videos that will help you understand human behavior and level up your skills on
body language.
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Take care, my Body Language Buddies!