In ten days, people, Donald Trump will be inaugurated
as the first emperor of the United States.
And by the way, if Trump sees that video of the funeral,
best believe his inauguration's also gonna have
a stripper motorcade.
He'll be like, "Of course they're not wearing anything.
"All the dress shops are sold out.
"They're sold out.
That's why they're naked, folks."
(applause, whooping)
And so to prepare for the inauguration,
tomorrow Trump is going to be
working out some of his material.
Tomorrow, Donald Trump is expected
to hold his first news conference
since becoming president-elect of the United States.
The first Trump news conference in more than five months.
Yes!
Finally!
Finally. Donald Trump is going to give a press conference!
He's gonna give a... Or, as he calls it,
"tweeting out of the mouth."
(laughter)
Now, I can understand some people may not think
a Trump press conference is a big deal.
Partly because it feels like he never stops talking, you know?
If anything, some people are like, "Hey, can we just have
a press conference of silence? Can we just have that?"
But, I mean, think about it.
We know more about Donald Trump, right?
We know more about Donald Trump
than we know about most people in power.
We know that he prefers Robert Pattinson to Kristen Stewart.
Uh, we know that he thinks
Diet Coke is a scam.
Which is really sad.
And, as of last week, we now know that he calls himself
the "DJT ratings machine."
That's a real thing he said.
The ratings machine, DJT.
Just think, in another week and a half,
that'll be President DJT Ratings Machine.
(laughter)
That's gonna be him. At the United Nations, they'll be like,
"Le Presidente...
la Germany, Angela Merkel!
Le Presidente United States...
DJT Ratings Machine!
He's gonna come in with the lights bouncing.
(imitating techno dance music)
(like Trump): Wrong.
This is... this is why I'm so excited
about the press conference.
I don't know if I'm the only one.
Because, like, we don't need more information
from Donald Trump about Diet Coke, all right?
But when it comes to matters of geopolitical importance,
tweets just haven't been enough.
TV REPORTER:
If mayor can't do it, he must ask for federal help,
exclamation point.
Come up with a healthcare plan that really works,
much less expensive and far better, exclamation point.
TV REPORTER:
but right now it is just a club for people to get together,
talk and have a good time.
So sad, exclamation point.
TV REPORTER:
in the final stages of developing a nuclear weapon
capable of reaching parts of the U.S.
It won't happen, exclamation mark.
Is anyone else concerned, question mark?
(laughter)
Even Kim Jong-un is probably reading this on Twitter, like,
I don't want to be judge-y, but I think this guy's unhinged.
This press conference is gonna be explosive,
if you think about it, you know?
Think, just think for a moment.
It's the most powerful press in the world
going up against the most powerful question dodger
of all time.
Yeah, and Trump hates the press.
Forget Mexico.
Forget Hillary.
Forget large door handles.
To him, the press is public enemy number one.
The press is dishonest.
They're very dishonest people.
Lying, thieving people.
Most of it, 70%, 75%,
is absolute dishonest,
absolute scum.
Remember that, scum.
-Do we hate the media? -CROWD: Yes!
World Star!
(cheering, applause)
I actually feel bad for the press,
because, look, we all, we all think we'd do a better job
in a room with Donald Trump,
but it's probably a lot harder than you think, you know?
And this press conference is coming up, and,
and, you know, it's also interesting that Trump
has put it on the same day that all of his hearings
are taking place, you know?
'Cause he knows you can't look at two things at the same time.
But the press, so much pressure on their shoulders.
And-and it's not like you can do any better.
In fact, let's-let's play a little game.
I'll play Donald Trump, and the studio audience,
you guys, you can all be the crooked media.
♪ ♪
(laughter and applause)
Okay, first of all, let me just say,
welcome, everybody, to my press conference.
We're doing it now.
I hope you've got your questions.
Press, any questions, ask them now.
Yes, ma'am.
How can the American people be confident
that you don't have any conflicts of interest
if you won't release your tax returns?
Okay, first of all, first of all, what's your name?
-Julie. -Stupid name.
That is a stupid, stupid, corrupt, dishonest name, Julie.
I got business-- it's so easy to diverse.
If-- I could do it right now. I could do it now.
Diverse, diverse. It's gone.
It's gone. I could do it now.
I told you in a tweet, that is the problem with the media.
Did I answer your question, Julie?
-No. -Exactly.
Exactly, 'cause you're stupid. Sit down, Julie.
Next question. Who's next? Who's next?
You've said that U.S. citizens accused of terrorism
should be sent to Gitmo and tried by military tribunal.
Can you justify that on constitutional grounds?
Okay, first of all, what is that accent?
Where are you from? Okay?
Yeah, Guantanamo is totally going to be open,
and you're going to be in it, my friend, okay?
You're gonna be in it, and you tell all your friends
you're gonna be in it.
Okay, next up.
Who's next? Who's next?
Um, you proposed an ideological test for immigrants.
What would be on that test?
Okay, it's very simple, very simple.
Immigrant comes in, just say,
Hey, are you going to blow (bleep) up?
If they say yes, we're like, no.
Go away.
Okay?
And then, like, you go, like, are you sure?
And then they're, like, yeah.
Do you understand? You understand what I'm saying?
-No. -Do you understand what I'm saying?
That's why you're not president, sit down.
That's why you're not president.
All right, folks, that's all we've got time for today.