WELCOME ONE AND ALL.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I WELCOME YOU ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ROW HEAR THAT, JON?
>> Jon: YEAH, I HEAR THAT.
>> Stephen: THAT CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING, WE ARE LIVE, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) COMING TO YOU LIVE, COAST TO
COAST, ALL AROUND THE GLOBE, AFTER EPISODE ONE OF THIS
SUMMER'S MOST COMPELLING DRAMA, THE
JANUARY 6TH COMMITTEE HEARINGS.
IT'S A LOT LIKE "STRANGER THINGS."
WE MET THE MONSTER YEARS AGO, AND WE'RE PRETTY SURE THE
RUSSIANS ARE INVOLVED.
( LAUGHTER ) AND, LIKE THE STARS OF "STRANGER
THINGS," I HAVE NOTICEABLY AGED.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THE MONSTER IN QUESTION
IS FORMER PRESIDENT "MANGO UNCHAINED."
( LAUGHTER ) PRIOR TO THE HEARING,
REPUBLICANS TRIED TO CLAIM THIS TONIGHT WAS GOING TO WITH A
NOTHING BURGER.
THEY WERE WRONG.
IT WAS A JUICY DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER, STUFFED WITH
BURGER BETWEEN TWO BUNS MADE OF BURGER, SMOTHERED IN A ZESTY
BURGER SAUCE.
THERE WAS SO MUCH BURGER THA -- THERE'S FIVE POUNDS OF BURGER
IN A THREE-POUND BAG!
THERE WAS SO MUCH BURGER THAT THEY REPLACED THE CAPITOL DOME
WITH A SESAME SEED BUN.
IT WAS SUCH A JUICY BURGER THAT FOX NEWS KNEW THAT EVEN
THEIR VIEWERS WOULD BE TEMPTED TO TAKE A BITE.
WHICH IS WHY -- AND THIS IS TRU- FOR THE HOUR OF HIS SHOW
OPPOSITE THE HEARINGS, TUCKER CARLSON TOOK NO COMMERCIAL
BREAKS.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS?
FOX NEWS IS WILLING TO LOSE MONEY TO KEEP THEIR VIEWERS FROM
FLIPPING OVER AND ACCIDENTALLY LEARNING INFORMATION.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT I'M NOT SURPRISED!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> CRAZY!
THAT'S CRAZY.
COME ON, MAN.
>> Stephen: I'M REALLY NOT SURPRISED --
THAT'S THE FIRST RULE OF ANY CULT:
NEVER LEAVE THE COMPOUND.
SECOND RULE?
PRESENT YOUR TESTICLES TO THE TANNING STATION.
( LAUGHTER ) ALSO BASED ON A TRUE STORY.
NOW, WE'VE HEARD MANY OF THESE DETAILS BEFORE, BUT IT MADE MY
HEART SWELL WITH GRATITUDE TOpSM TOGETHER INTO A COMPELLING CASE
THAT JANUARY 6TH WAS NOT A SPONTANEOUS GATHERING OF
VAPE-FUELED NEO-KNUCKLEHEADS THAT GOT OUT OF CONTROL.
IT WAS, IN FACT, A PREMEDITATED ATTACK TO PREVENT THE PEACEFUL
TRANSFER OF POWER FOR THE FIRST TIME IN OUR NATION'S HISTORY.
FIRST UP, COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN AND MAN SAYING, "WHO'S GOT TWO
THUMBS AND ONE IS MY HEAD..."
BENNIE THOMPSON.
CHAIRMAN THOMPSON KICKED OFF THE HEARING WITH A LITTLE BIO.
>> I AM FROM A PART OF THE COUNTRY WHERE PEOPLE JUSTIFY
THE ACTIONS OF SLAVERY, THE KLU KLUX KLAN, AND LYNCHING.
>> STEPHEN: SO, YOU WERE BORN ON TWITTER?
( LAUGHTER ) THOMPSON SPOKE ABOUT WHAT UNITED
THE BIPARTISAN MEMBERS OF THE COMMITTEE, AS WELL AS AMERICANS
EVERYWHERE.
>> EAST COAST, WEST COAST, AND THE HEARTLAND.
ALL OF US HAVE ONE THING IN COMMON.
>> STEPHEN: "IF YOU FRY IT, WE WILL EAT IT."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH.
EMPLOYEES TO MY HEART.
YEAH.
( PIANO RIFF ) >> STEPHEN: THOMPSON PLAYED
DAMNING FOOTAGE OF ONE OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S TOADIEST
TOADIES, FORMER ATTORNEY GENERAL BILL BARR.
>> I MADE IT CLEAR, I DID NOT AGREE WITH THE IDEA OF
SAYING THE ELECTION WAS STOLEN, AND PUTTING OUT THIS STUFF
WHICH I TOLD THE PRESIDENT WAS BULLSHIT.
>> STEPHEN: WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE, TOAD-MAN!
YOU KISS YOUR PRINCESS WITH THAT MOUTH?
THEN THOMPSON REMINDED US JUST HOW SERIOUS THE CAPITOL
RIOT WAS.
>> AS WE PROVIDE ANSWERS TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, IT IS IMPORTANT
THAT WE REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT TOOK PLACE, THAT THIS WAS NO
TOURIST VISIT TO THE CAPITOL.
>> STEPHEN: YEAH, THIS WAS NO TOURIST VISIT.
THERE WERE NO CHILDREN.
IN FACT, I'M PRETTY SURE IT WAS ALL DADS WHO LOST CUSTODY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THEN IT WAS TIME FOR THE RANKING REPUBLICAN, WYOMING
REPRESENTATIVE LIZ CHENEY, SEEN HERE SHOCKED AS YOU ARE THAT
SHE'S THE HERO OF THIS STORY.
( LAUGHTER ) CHENEY PROMISED THAT THESE
HEARINGS WILL BRING THE RECEIPTS:
>> YOU WILL SEE EVIDENCE OF WHAT MOTIVATED THIS VIOLENCE.
>> STEPHEN: WOW, THEY HAVE FOOTAGE OF THE FORMER
PRESIDENT'S DAD NOT HUGGING HIM?
( LAUGHTER ) YOU'VE GOT TO IMAGINE.
YOU'VE GOT TO IMAGINE THAT'S PART OF IT.
( APPLAUSE ) THEN CHENEY HIT THE FORMER
PRESIDENT WHERE IT HURTS HIM: RIGHT IN THE IVANKA.
THEY ROLLED FOOTAGE OF THE FIRST DAUGHTER'S REACTION TO
BARR CALLING HER FATHER'S CHARGES OF ELECTION FRAUD B.S.
>> I RESPECT ATTORNEY GENERAL BARR, SO, I ACCEPTED WHAT HE WAS
SAYING.
>> STEPHEN: THAT MUST HAVE BEEN A BITTERSWEET MOMENT FOR THE
FORMER PRESIDENT.
SHE FINALLY SCREWED HIM.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) KEEP BREATHING.
KEEP BREATHING.
IT'S GOING TO BE A LONG SUMMER.
CHENEY ALSO SHOWED A CLIP OF GENERAL MARK MILLEY EXPLAINING
THAT VICE PRESIDENT PENCE WAS THE ONLY LEADER WHO MADE ANY
ATTEMPT TO CALL FOR DEFENSE OF THE CAPITOL THAT DAY.
>> THERE WERE TWO OR THREE CALLS FROM VICE PRESIDENT PENCE.
HE WAS VERY ANIMATED.
>> Stephen: DO YOU KNOW HOW CRAZY THINGS HAVE GOT TO BE FOR
MIKE PENCE TO GET VERY ANIMATED?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NORMALLY, THE WILDEST HE GETS IS WEARING KHAKIS WITH ONLY
ONE PLEAT.
THEN, THE COMMITTEE PLAYED SOME NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN FOOTAGE OF THE
INSURRECTION.
AND IF YOU NEED ANY MORE PROOF ONE OF THE RIOTERS QUOTING HIM
DIRECTLY: >> MIKE PENCE DIDN'T HAVE THE
COURAGE TO DO WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN DONE TO PROTECT OUR COUNTRY
AND OUR CONSTITUTION, GIVING STATES A CHANCE TO CERTIFY A
CORRECTED SET OF FACTS, NOT THE FRAUDULENT OR INACCURATE ONES
WHICH THEY WERE ASKED TO PREVIOUSLY CERTIFY.
U.S.A. DEMANDS THE TRUTH!
>> STEPHEN: THEY WERE READING HIS TWEETS AS THEY STORMED THE
CAPITOL!
THE ONLY WAY HE COULD BE DIRECTING THEM MORE IS IF HE HAD
SENT THEM IKEA INSTRUCTIONS FOR THE GALLOWS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, HERE'S THE DEAL -- HERE'S
THE THING -- HERE'S THE THING -- THAT'S NOT FAR FROM THE TRUTH,
AS CHENEY EXPLAINED.
>> AND, AWARE OF THE RIOTERS CHANTS TO HANG MIKE PENCE, THE
PRESIDENT RESPONDED WITH THIS SENTIMENT, QUOTE, "MAYBE OUR
SUPPORTERS HAVE THE RIGHT IDEA."
MIKE PENCE, QUOTE, "DESERVES IT."
>> Stephen: WOW.
THAT'S A HELLUVA REWARD FOR PENCE'S FOUR YEARS OF
BOOT-LICKING LOYALTY.
IT'S LIKE YOU'RE RETIRING AND YOUR BOSS GIVES YOU A GOLD WATCH
WITH THE INSCRIPTION, "YOU 'TICKED' ME OFF.
'TIME' TO MEET JESUS!" ( LAUGHTER )
THEN WE GOT TO HEAR FROM A COUPLE OF WITNESSES, STARTING
WITH OFFICER CAROLINE EDWARDS, ONE OF THE FIRST OF THE CAPITOL
POLICE INJURED.
OFFICER EDWARDS SPOKE STRONGLY ABOUT HER VIEWS ON THAT DAY.
>> I WAS AN AMERICAN, STANDING FACE TO FACE WITH OTHER
AMERICANS, ASKING MYSELF HOW-- MANY TIMES-- MANY, MANY TIMES--
HOW WE HAD GOTTEN HERE?
>> STEPHEN: WELL, IT'S COMPLICATED...
BUT IT ALL STARTED AT THE WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS DINNER IN
2011, WHEN A BLACK PRESIDENT MADE FUN OF A MAN WITH A VERY
BIG EGO AND A VERY SMALL PENIS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND IT JUST KIND OF MOVED FROM THERE.
( APPLAUSE ) THE COMMITTEE ALSO HEARD FROM
DOCUMENTARIAN AND MENS' WAREHOUSE SPOKESMAN SAYING,
"YOU'RE GOING TO BE HAUNTED BY THE WAY I LOOK," NICK QUESTED.
IN THE RUN UP TO JANUARY 6TH, QUESTED WAS EMBEDDED WITH THE
PROUD BOYS, AND HIS CREW CAPTURED HORRIFYING FOOTAGE LIKE
THIS: >> FREEDOM!
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: MEL GIBSON'S CAREER
REALLY HAS GONE DOWNHILL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
QUESTED LAID OUT INSIDER DETAILS OF THE PROUD BOYS' ACTIVITIES,
INCLUDING WHAT THEY DID JUST BEFORE THE RIOT.
>> WE WENT FOR LUNCH, WE WENT FOR TACOS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: MAY I REMIND YOU,
JANUARY 6TH WAS A WEDNESDAY.
TEARING UP THE CONSTITUTION IS ONE THING, BUT THEY VIOLATED THE
SANCTITY OF TACO TUESDAY THEN --
( APPLAUSE ) WE HAD TACOS, TACOS -- THEN
OFFICER EDWARDS DESCRIBED THE PRONOUNCE RALLYING CRY.
>> THEY CAME UP CHANTING F- *-*á ANTIFA.
>> STEPHEN: THAT MIGHT BE THE MOST SHOCKING TESTIMONY OF THE
EVENING: THE PROUD BOYS CAN SPELL?
SOON AFTER, NIGHT ONE WAS OVER.
AFTER TWO HOURS OF DOCUMENTARY EVIDENCE AND TESTIMONY, WE
LEARNED THAT THIS SURRECTIONIST CONSPIRACY WAS, LIKE EVERYTHING
ELSE ASSOCIATED WITH THAT ADMINISTRATION, EXACTLY WHAT YOU
THOUGHT, BUT WORSE THAN YOU COULD HAVE IMAGINED.
NEXT EPISODE DROPS ON MONDAY.
AND TO QUOTE THE FORMER PRESIDENT;
"BE THERE.
WILL BE WILD."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS STAR OF MARVEL'S "SHANG-CHI," SIMU LIU.
AND, I'LL BE GIVING THE "COLBERT QUESTIONERT" TO OUR VERY OWN
JON BATISTE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"