Hey.
It's Clayton Olson.
And in this video, we're going to talk about how to handle the overwhelming emotions that
come up during a breakup.
There's a small eight-minute clip that I pulled from a larger interview I did with Paul Kan
who runs The Man on Purpose Summit, and I'll put the links in the description below.
We dive into some of the ways of thinking and dealing with yourself during this really
tender time that can feel like the weight of the world is on you.
Firsthand, I know that breakups can be one of the most emotionally devastating times
of our life and it can be the crucible in which we can transform into the most powerful
version of ourselves.
The version 2.0.
It can also be a crossroads where we deteriorate into a version of ourselves that we are not
proud of, and don't respect, and have a lack of self-love.
How do we do the former?
How do we move in the direction that will ultimately help us grow and thrive through
this time rather than turn into someone that we don't like?
And that's what we begin to point in the direction of in this video.
Now, if you are a man watching this and you are looking to save your relationship and
you want some tips, click on the link below the description.
I've got a guide that I'm giving away called The 5 No BS Truths to Save the Relationship
with the Woman You Love.
And if you are a woman who's going through a breakup right now.
I really want to encourage you to attend my teaching partner and I’s webinar called
The Three Keys to Being Relationship Ready.
A breakup creates a wound.
It creates an opening in our listening.
A way for us to consume information and a certain depth that would otherwise not be
available.
And I believe that this webinar can be pure medicine for your soul so make sure if you're
a woman check that out.
Click the link in the description.
Enjoy the video.
One thing that's kind of coming to mind is I often notice as well that as I have these
conversations with a lot of men that are in this space, they are aware of the destructive
patterns that you just talked about.
Where their behaviors of how it is not healthy, in terms of the road that they're going down,
often I hear the “I can't help it excuse.”
I call it an excuse because it is.
We are all able to be a hundred percent responsible.
100 percent of the time for how we show up in life.
But yet at the same time in that moment it can seem like I can't do anything about it
because it is more powerful than I am.
What really brings about that thought pattern that those men have in those moment and how
do they break out of that?
And when you say, I can't help it, what is it that they are saying typically that they
can't help from your perspective?
I think it's like I can't help…
I don't know how to deal with this loneliness so I can't help but go find another woman
to just feel this void or go out and party to fill this void because I need to numb this.
I can't help these feelings that are taking over me, so I say need some sort of relief.
I can't do anything about being in that solitude like you said and just facing it like I can't
help it.
Yes.
I got it.
It's a tough place.
It's a really tough place to be in.
And for any man that's in that position my heart goes out to you with deep compassion
because it's not a fun place at all.
It can be a deeply disturbing place to be in and it is also brought about by a certain
level of victim consciousness.
A feeling like you are a victim to the circumstance and victim to your own emotions and I have
no control.
I can't help it like these emotions are happening I can't deal with them so therefore now they're
driving reactive behavior that it's ultimately destructive.
The first thing is to slow down and notice that that is what is happening.
It’s that what you're saying is I am unwilling to take responsibility for perhaps where I'm
at right now and do the work necessary to align with my highest self.
Avoid the drinking.
Avoid the womanizing.
So, we can be honest with it.
So, that we can actually come into integrity with it.
And say, “Okay.
Yes.
I'm at a place where I'm unwilling to take responsibility for it.”
Rather than saying, “I can't help it.”
It's just a small move on the ladder of coming to a place of self-responsibility and saying,
Yes.
I don't have it in me to take responsibility for this right now,” that small maneuver
is a step in the right direction because at least we're coming into greater integrity.
The other thing that I advise in that situation is then to go off into the world and be incredibly
mindful of what you're doing.
And just notice the deeper impact that perhaps womanizing, or drinking, or whatever it is
that you are doing is having on you and staying conscious throughout that process rather than
checking out.
And look, every guy's gonna have his own journey and some guys may have to do some of that.
They may have to further get to a place where they hit rock bottom so that they can find
that peace which within them which is indestructible.
To be able to bounce back and find that solid ground so they can actually leap up and start
moving to a higher trajectory.
Everybody's on their own spiritual journey.
The invitation would be to be very conscious of what you are doing in the impact that's
having on the larger area of your life.
And also though, let's not further take that you may be doing these digressions as an opportunity
to shame yourself.
Can you have compassion for the self that for yourself that maybe you can't help it?
If you have to go out, you can end up womanizing a bit.
Rather than now feeling bad about yourself and making yourself feel even worse, can you
say, “Okay.
That's fascinating.
Do I want to live my life this way?
Okay.
I got to check in with myself.
This is disconnected.
This is further, perhaps divorcing me from me.
I don't think I want to do that.”
But let's not use it as fuel to turn the volume up on even more accusations we have about
our worthlessness in our mind.
I think often something that men really struggle with… a lot of men struggle with is that
lack of self-worth, that lack of self-love that I think really gets amplified in this
situation because then how much more obvious I kind of get then someone's saying, “I
don't want to be with you anymore.”
So then, you get into that space of “Well, yes maybe I'm not worthy to be with.
I'm never gonna find that women or I meant to be alone or what's wrong with me.”
And I think that piece around that self-compassion is so important and is not discussed enough
with men because we're often hard critics.
And depending on the circle of men that we're also around can be even louder and harsher
critics of our character in that situation.
It's not as often where guys are coming to you with empathy and compassionate about the
situation area, so I think sometimes it further amplifies.
It makes it more difficult.
Yes.
Absolutely.
Just so the piece about the self-compassion that I want to dimensionalize slightly is
to the adult mind with the breakup – look, unless you're thrown out on the street with
no money, and no food, and no shelter, and now you've got a debilitating disease, most
likely you're gonna survive.
Physically you're going to be okay.
And there's an adult part of your mind that knows that the part of your mind that really
questions whether you're going to be okay that has you feel like this is an annihilating
experience is the younger little boy inside that feels completely abandoned and completely
alone.
And this distinction is really important to make because if we can create that, we can
see that there's a distinction between the little boy and the adult.
You can actually take time during the break-up to give yourself compassion by imagining giving
that younger boy inside of you compassion.
To imagine maybe even like pull out a picture of yourself when you were little and just
realize that that's the guy that's hurting.
That's the little one that's hurting is the little boy's heart that's breaking right now.
And if you can install and step more into the father role of that little boy inside
of you and give that little one compassionate, it's a way that you can practice loving yourself.
And sometimes is more accessible and easier for someone to do rather than just say, “Oh
I love myself because it's like, oh how do I love myself?”
What does that even look like?
How can I possibly love myself?
Every part of me right now is in pain and what might be true is actually the little
boys in pain.
And this is time to take all that love that you feel, all that heartbreak, all of those
emotions and just give that little one his much love and attention as possible and let
him know that he's gonna be alright.
He's gonna be safe that you're looking out for him and that you got his back.
And even though your woman may have left you and the relationship is over, you're never
gonna leave or abandon that little one.
And just practicing that, can start to create or it can soothe that feeling of abandonment,
it can soothe that feeling of loneliness, it can serve as a model for you to continually
take all the love that's being nurtured and give it towards something that's gonna help
on your healing path.