-Let's get to the news.
First Lady Dr. Jill Biden appeared last night
at the Grammy Awards.
It was gonna be Joe, but he's not trusted
with classified material.
[ Laughter ]
President Biden is set tomorrow to deliver
his State of the Union Address,
and it's not a great sign that the best he can say is,
"The state of our union is balloon-free."
[ Laughter ]
President Biden told reporters over the weekend
that he ordered the military to shoot down the suspected
Chinese spy balloon, which must've been tough,
'cause if anyone loves balloons, it's this guy.
[ Laughter ]
According to a new report from Bloomberg News,
New York Congressman George Santos
once claimed to have been a producer on the Broadway musical
"Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark".
Another obvious lie, because if you saw that show,
you know it didn't have producers.
[ Laughter ]
At an event at the White House last week,
celebrating the 30th anniversary of the
Family and Medical Leave Act,
former President Bill Clinton said that he has more people
bring up this law than,
"any other specific thing he did."
Well, I don't know.
[ Laughter ]
I feel like it's the second.
[ Laughter ]
That's like OJ saying most people bring up
his Hertz commercials.
[ Laughter ]
Authorities in Canada are searching for two suspects
who were seen driving a stolen car
through a shopping mall.
Whoa!
If it was the '90s, they could've killed someone.
[ Laughter ]
It's such a fancy abandoned mall.
According to a new study, Florida, last year,
experienced more lightning strikes than any other state,
which might mean that even God is getting tired of waiting
for Merrick Garland.
[ Laughter ]
The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame has announced this year's
class of nominees.
It's the one hall of fame that understands
that performance-enhancing drugs are just part of the game.
[ Laughter ]
A federal judge in Oklahoma recently ruled
that a law prohibiting marijuana users from owning guns
is unconstitutional.
It makes sense, because by the time they find their gun,
they forgot what they were mad about.
[ Laughter ]
Producers have released a trailer for a new reality show
about actor Sylvester Stallone and his family.
And, yeah, you're probably gonna need the captions on.
[ Laughter ]
A man in Cambodia recently built a home
modeled after an airplane, and now he's finally
ready to sit back, relax, and recline his armchair
three inches.
And finally, in honor of Valentine's Day,
the restaurant chain Cracker Barrel has launched
a new contest that'll give five couples free food for a year
if they get engaged at the restaurant.
Also, doing a promotion for newly engaged couples
at Cracker Barrel --
divorce attorneys.
[ Laughter ]
Bless your heart, but take a card just in case.
President Biden delivered his second
State of the Union Address tonight.
Oh, you mean his balloon assassination victory lap?
[ Laughter ]
"You know who would love some inflation?
That spy balloon, bitch."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"But seriously, yeah, eggs are really expensive right now."
[ Laughter ]
That's right, the State of the Union was tonight,
and U2's Bono attended
as a guest of First Lady Dr. Jill Biden.
And I got to say, I love that she's using
the office of first lady to tick off her bucket list.
[ Laughter ] I mean, she was at the Grammys.
She's going to the Super Bowl.
Now, she's hanging out with Bono.
If Biden gets reelected, she's going to get
the old gang together for one last heist.
[ Laughter and applause ]
President Biden posted several photos yesterday to Instagram.
Not on purpose. He was trying
to answer his phone and kept hitting the wrong button.
[ Laughter and applause ]
President Biden tweeted a picture yesterday
of the first page of his State of the Union Address
and I got to say, I'm surprised how he's kicking things off.
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
The Pentagon said yesterday that the military failed to detect
three Chinese spy balloons over the continental U.S.
during the Trump administration due to a "awareness gap"
and because, after the eclipse,
Trump wasn't allowed to look in the sky anymore.
[ Laughter ]
The first public beach is set to open this summer
in Manhattan, along the Hudson River,
so, if you see some beach bodies,
there's a good chance they washed up there.
[ Laughter ]
"Yellowstone" actor Kevin Costner
is reportedly considering leaving the series
to focus on directing a new film.
Said your dad, "But, you know,
other than that, I'm fine.
Alright, here's your mom."
[ Laughter ]
A dog in Nevada was recently rescued
after living with a pack of coyotes for several months.
Fortunately, the dog is now safe, sound,
and embittered for life.
"I was living the dream!"
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, the FAA yesterday proposed fining United Airlines
more than $1 million for skipping safety steps.
Even worse, Spirit put black electrical tape
over the check engine light.
[ Laughter ]
President Biden delivered
his 2nd State of the Union Address last night.
And spoke for 73 minutes which sounds like a lot.
But I feel like Biden could speak for 73 minutes
to a wrong number.
"Well -- Well, who were you trying to reach?
Let's try to figure this out together."
New York Representative George Santos
was reportedly one of the first members of Congress
to arrive for last night's State of the Union.
He wanted a good seat.
[ Laughter ]
"Oh, I -- but I think I am.
I think I am the President."
Last night's State of the Union
was the first time since 2019 that the event
was held without coronavirus restrictions.
And in case you're wondering
who in that room never reads their e-mails.
[ Laughter ]
"For your information,
this isn't a COVID mask, this is just for dander."
[ Laughter ]
"Very allergic."
During the speech last night,
Republican Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene
wore a white fur coat in the House chamber.
And bad news guys --
that was our last one.
[ Laughter ]
She looked great. It was --
I think we all agree it was worth it.
Georgia Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene
posted a video to Twitter yesterday showing herself
trying to bring a large white balloon
as a guest to the State of the Union.
And you know, I didn't know who she'd bring as a guest,
but I knew they'd be white.
[ Laughter ]
President Biden said last night some Republicans
are threatening to repeal the Inflation Reduction Act.
And added, "As my football coach used to say,
'Lot's of luck in your senior year.'"
But take that with a grain of salt
because his coach also used to say,
"One day this game will be played with helmets."
[ Laughter ]
Ahead of last night's speech, House Speaker Kevin McCarthy
reportedly told Republican lawmakers
to be on their best behavior.
"Fine! I'll put the safety on," said Lauren Boebert.
[ Laughter ]
Zoom CEO Eric Yuan yesterday announced plans to cut staff.
And said he will reduce his own salary by 98%.
Making him the only person that can legitimately claim
that the vaccine made his life worse.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, according to a new study 18% of Americans
use a sleep medication.
Whereas, the others prefer to fall asleep the traditional way,
reliving every awkward moment of their lives.
[ Laughter ]
President Biden today, traveled to Florida
and spoke about Social Security and Medicare.
He didn't intend to, it's just what everybody in Florida
was already talking about.
[ Laughter ]
Democratic Congressman James Clyburn praised
President Biden's State of the Union performance yesterday
and said Biden displayed, "The kind of maturity
that the American people would like to see in a president."
When you say maturity, you mean this guy?
[ Laughter ]
You're talking about this guy?
I think that's the maturity you expect from your cool uncle.
"Hey, hop in kid.
We're gonna go to Dave and Busters.
I got a bucket full of quarters."
Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer praised
President Biden yesterday for baiting Republicans
into a bi-partisan agenda during the State of the Union Address
and said, "He let them walk into his trap."
Alright, that might be a little generous.
It's more like when someone falls
running away from Michael Myers.
Was it a trap?
Or did Michael Myers just get lucky?"
[ Laughter ]
That's right, Schumer said Biden let them walk into his trap
while Marjorie Taylor Greene let a seal walk into hers.
[ Laughter ]
Georgia Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene
yesterday defended her heckling of President Biden
during the State of the Union and said,
"I don't clap for liars."
Well, whatever she claps for, it's definitely on the
ones and threes.
[ Laughter ]
You know what? For the people who got it,
I think they're gonna like it a great deal.
[ Laughter ]
Do I think both you and I knew, Baze, that wasn't
for everybody, but for the people it was for --
Fred, did you like it?
-Oh yes. -Yeah, there you go, see?
Some of these jokes are for drummers.
[ Laughter ]
North Korean leader Kim Jong Un
was joined on stage yesterday by his 9-year-old daughter
at a military parade unveiling the country's new missiles.
So, I guess bring-your-daughter-to-work day
has officially jumped the shark.
[ Laughter ]
New York Congressman Nick Lalota Referred to fellow
Republican representative George Santos during
an interview yesterday as a "sociopath"
which ironically is the only thing not on his resume.
[ Laughter ]
Ukrainian President Zelenskyy met with King Charles yesterday
at Buckingham palace.
"How's the war going," asked Zelenskyy.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
[ Laughter ]
Fire fighters in -- we should say right now -- you know what,
this joke is very dependent on a graphic.
We haven't seen it yet.
We're gonna find out in real time if this joke pays off.
[ Laughter ]
I think in the writing of the joke,
he had a very clear idea of what it was gonna look like,
and now we're gonna find out.
Fire fighters in Pennsylvania were recently called to remove
a cake pan that got stuck on a girl's head.
And right before picture day.
[ Audience "aws," laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
I guess you can win them all.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, authorities in Texas arrested a man this week
who they believe broke into the Dallas zoo
and stole two monkeys.
Though when reached for comment, the man was, you guessed it,
already busted out by two monkeys.
And that was the monologue, everybody.
♪♪