Hi, I'm Nicholeen Peck, and I am joined here today with my son.
My older son Quinton, I am so excited Quinn for you to be here.
And today, we're going to be talking about how to praise children effectively
It is a wonderful thing that you are looking into how to effectively praise children better. Just so
you know, that's a part of a praise. In this video, we're gonna to be talking about, praise that is not effective.
But then, we're also going to be sharing 3 things that you can do to make your praises effective.
So Quinn, "Yeah". I want to just talk to you a little bit about what types of praise, have you
noticed is not as effective as maybe how you were raise? Sure, growing up I had the opportunity to
play a lot of sports, and I think this brings true for a lot of people. You grew up playing sports
and there's a lot of praise, there's a lot of passion. You want people to perform well, and so
your coaches and your teammates will all try to praise each other and get everybody motivated, right?
But one thing that happens especially in sports and then translates to home environments
and stuff because that's all the people know. Is the praise, is very passionate but not very
specific and so so you'll give this person like, "Good job! that's what I want to see", "That's great!"
but it's not very effective. I love that tip I think that's really good. Because effective praise
should be specific praise, right? So, there's the vague stuff that's like, "Thank you", "Great job", "You're awesome".
You know, something like that where how do you duplicate you're awesome. I can't be awesome
all the time you know, or something. But I also feel like it just doesn't teach as much. So appraise
is meant to teach people and I think that's a big thing. It shows gratitude sometimes which is great,
and it's a time to connect with another person. But it's also a time to teach somebody something.
So just like with a good correction, which we have plenty of other videos in this channel on.
Just like with a good correction, starts with some specifics of what went wrong and what
you should do this right, a praise should involve that. It should, your praise should be very specific,
it should be heartfelt. You can't give a praise and not mean it. --Well you can. But they'll know.
--But they know. It's empty it's not effective it's less effective than not saying anything.
Oh, that's a good point, because you know there's some people that can tell. I was talking with
someone just yesterday and she said to me, "You know if somebody just tells me words all the time,
that I'm not sure that I really fully believe it, right?" There needs to be more to it and I love that he's
bringing in the heart here, this is a good piece of information. So those are key things we need to be
specific talking about what's going on, we've got to make sure we appeal to the heart. So, our 3
strategies for effective praise are definitely going to satisfy those things, as well as more.
Okay so Quinn, I would love to hear and I think people who are seeing this would love to hear.
What our home environment was like a little bit? Which I thought why I thought it would be fun
to bring you in on this, and specifically around praise. What was the home environment? What did it
feel like for you? What was the praising like for you? Growing up one of my parents were really good
at telling us that we were doing well. That we were not only following all of the rules at home, but
that we were going in a direction and living our lives in a way that made them proud, and that was
really important to all of us as kids, especially me. To see that our parents wanted us to succeed.
They wanted us to keep going. I feel like a lot of times growing up when parents praise it's too
vague it's too bland. Does that make sense? It's not personal, growing up in our home
both you and dad, were really effective in not only saying this is what you did very well.
But then saying this is how I want to continue to see it. This is awesome behavior, and we want you to be
this kind of person and doing this is how you do that. And praise, not only motivates a child
but I think offers guidance as well, for that child to continue to progress how you want them
to as a parent. I think praise meant a lot to you, --it did. So you were the oldest child.
There is something about oldest children that everyone does need to know, and that is that
usually they like a little bit more attention and that's just how it is, and they usually do really
appreciate knowing when they've done well. Because they sometimes put a heavier burden on themselves
being the oldest children. Sometimes we even put a little heavier burden on them because they are
the oldest children. And so, when we tell them when things are going well and they've done well.
Then it helps kind of move you on to the next level of you, right? And, every time that we would praise you.
You would just kind of stand a little taller. I mean you literally did that you'd be like...
There's like this happy like, "Oh that's great", and you know you say dad was great at praising.
People may like to know this who know me, and who kind of follow some of the things that we do as a family.
But dad was not a natural appraiser. No, and that was actually something I was gonna say, "You were
always very good at it". It took dad a little bit, Dad had to be trained and that's okay. He has the
critical eye, --He does. So, he's the one who would be like, "Wait, that's not quite good enough",
"Wait, did you do okay?" until, "Okay, you messed up there." You know, and it would just be
and not to throw my husband under the bus at all. He definitely is one of those type-A people though,
that when he accomplishes something he does it well, it's meticulous. He wants his children
to be meticulous but there was a point when he realized. I keep just focusing on these little
nitpicky things and for some reason my wife is having a better bond with the children than I am ,
and we were talking about praising and I said, "For every 1 time, we correct the children.
We need to be praising them 6 to 10 times. 6 to 10 times and at that point he went, "Oh, I think
I better change some stuff", and he really tried. I gotta tell you my love for him, my heart size
for my husband just grew. Because he decided that he was going to be focusing more on the positive
instead of always on the negative. So I'm wondering anyone that's watching this, what are praises that
have changed your life? Can you think of a moment, when maybe a parent, maybe a teacher, or a friend
or a neighbor, a grandparent. Somebody told you something, a praise, that really touched your heart?
Because those are moments that actually change our course. When you praise someone and it's really
meaningful, and really heartfelt, they become a different version of themselves. Sometimes, they put
off the thoughts about all of their insecurities, or all the things they don't do good and they
decide to live up to that praise. That's the beauty of a really effective praise. So, put in the chat,
is there a moment in your life that made you want to become a better version of yourself? I think
those types of comments would really impact everybody who sees this video. So Quinn,
we've got to share these 3 tips for effective praise. So, how about you start us out number 1
is describe. Right, so when you're giving praise. One of the most important things you can do is
be specific in your praise. Describe what happened and why it was a good thing that that happened.
Kind of like telling a story, right? So, when something just occurred then you say, "You know,
just now this is what happened". Yeah, Instead of just saying "Good job", you say, "This is what you did,
it was really well done, and I'm really glad that you were able to do it so well".
Right, exactly, so you're telling them. Okay, I told you to look at me, keep a calm face voice and body.
Say "Okay" do the task immediately, and then check back, and you looked at me you kept that calm face
voice and body. You said, "Okay" and you were totally fine I could tell, and then you did
the task immediately and then you checked back. That means you fully followed instructions.
So, in the teaching self-government parenting system, we teach 4 basic skills. The main skill, I mean
you have to know all 4 to be able to govern yourself. But the main one, the one that everyone
needs to know has those 5 steps that I just listed. For how to follow an instruction, and if
a person can't follow an instruction they really end up not being able to control themselves is
what happens. They can't instruct themselves forward. Anyway, so I would describe every step
that they did well and tell them you did this skill. This skill that I already taught you.
So, I know that seems a little repetitive it maybe even seems like too many words, people don't want
to put them in any way. It doesn't seem natural initially. Yeah, that's alright that's good.
It's natural, we feel like natural is just to be like, "Yey, that's good enough", right?
And sometimes it's okay, you know. On a text you can be like... you know, or from a distance
you can be like, "You did this". But really if you want to help a person repeat a good behavior.
If you want them to internalize that praise. You got to start with the story. The second tip
that we have for you is, the rationale. So after you've described exactly what they did well.
Then you want to touch the heart. Just like you talked about how that touching the heart is so
important and that's where the rationale comes in. Now in this rationale step, this is where you're
going to tell probably some of those natural consequences to good behavior that they might
not recognize. Something like, "You know when you choose to follow instructions, like you've done
so well here. Then that actually bonds you closer to your parents and your family. In fact, we feel
respected and it makes us feel like we can trust your discernment your decision-making in other
things in your life. Which means, we're probably going to give you more opportunities with things
that you want to do with your friends and other things". Do they realize that following instructions
equals more freedom. They don't always realize that, --They do not. They don't, but if
you explain it to them in the rationale step. That positive natural consequence that comes
in a relationship when you show that respect, and you keep the roles in the right place, that makes
a huge difference in their lives. So, touching the heart, looking them in the eyes, this is a big thing.
When you're praising them the whole way along. You've got to be touching that heart, and looking
at them in the eyes, and thinking "You did it, I am proud of you", And you know, this is a good thing
this is a moment to celebrate and just thinking you did this you were wonderful, when you're
looking in their eyes. Now, we need to be careful when we praise, not to say statements to people
that are false. Because children know. like if I said to you, "Quinn, you are the smartest person
on the planet". In your mind, you'd be like that's super nice but you're wrong. Because you already
know that there's a smarter person on the planet. So we have to be careful that our praise is not
full of lies and just puffery, right? But we can say positive motivation statements,
and that's the third tip that we want to give you, for effectively praising children or anyone for
that matter is the positive motivation statements. So, there are things that we can share with people
that sound like a good positive motivation. What would be something like you could think
of positive motivation? So, after you've described and your heart's in the right place. The motivation
statement would be, "That was really well done", "Good job", "Awesome job, following instructions".
Try to be a little bit specific, but honestly even just good job at that point you're trying to encourage
future good behavior. Exactly, I think that's a big thing. So then that's where the little mini
celebration happens and you can make it as big as you want or not as you know. In fact,
when my children were little, we did this little song and so they we would be you know...
You know the song, --I probably do. Yes, so like we would go shopping and stuff and they would say,
"Oh mom, can I have a donut?" and I'd say "No, you know you can't", and then they'd say "Okay".
Because they know how to accept no answer, and then I'd know that even if I was in the store I would
do my praise. "Oh, you did a great job accepting a no answer, you looked right at me, you kept to calm
face voice and body out". You, know all that kind of stuff and then I would say, "And when you accept a
no answer, you're happier on the shopping trip". and then I would say something like, "♪ London said
okay, London said okay, okay, okay, London said okay ♪" I mean that was like a major celebration. Anytime, anywhere
that song would happen. They loved it they would laugh, they thought it was when they were little
they thought it was so funny. You don't have to do that for the 15-year-old son though, right?
That's like for the toddler, so that's okay. So this is your little mini-celebration. I would probably
look at my 15-year-old son and say, "Following instructions is a really mature skill, and you're
going to be able to give yourself instructions and be able to follow through with your own goals,
and your own desires in life and that's going to benefit you forever". So I would just be like
that's a really mature skill, good job that's a mature skill. So, that's your positive motivation
statement. So, even though my son is a grown adult man. I'm gonna actually end with a praise,
and I'm just gonna do it with all of our 3 steps. So you can see what it really would be like
to do an effective praise, and you know what these skills are not just for children.
They're for praising anyone. "Quinn, you did a great job on this video.
You had not ever done this before. You jumped right in 2 feet like, --Okay, what I look like...
Alright, I'm gonna be part of this, and you nailed it. I mean you really were able to
talk authentically about who you are, who you've become. What life was like at home and I think you
gave people an understanding of how important praise has been in your life. Well done, buddy".
You praised it, and I think you're great at working on these videos, okay. I hope that I can have you
here with me again. If you have enjoyed this video, I know you're gonna love the next video which is:
How to teach your children to respect their parents. Click on that link now, we'll see you there!