Greetings, and welcome to Earthling Cinema. I am your host, Garyx Wormuloid. This week's
artifact is South Park: Bigger Longer and Uncut, based on the smaller, shorter, circumcised
TV show of the same name. A movie based on a TV show? Simpsons did it.
The movie follows four pieces of construction paper named Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and the Cart-Man,
who live in the snowy mountain town of South Park, Eldorado. As is the case with all Earthlings,
they live only to consume content, and so are very excited about a new movie starring
Terrance and Phillip, of the species Canadian. The excessive profanity of the movie rubs
off on the young boys, and they proceed to curse up a shitstorm.
Inspired by a pivotal scene in their new favorite flick, Cart-Man bets Kenny that he can't make
methane flambÈ. Kenny takes that bet with a side of relish, and soon he is admitted
to the human repair shop, where a handsomely-voiced doctor fits him with a Mr. Potato Heart. Kenny
ships off to a planet called Hell, more commonly known as the Red Planet. There he meets the
Chicago Bulls mascot and his lover, an Earth dictator named Sodomy Hussein.
Now that all the kids in South Park are shooting off at the mouth, their parents blame Canada
and form a tribunal called Mothers Against Canada, thus prompting the return of the M.A.C.
They arrest Terrance and Phillip as war criminals, prompting Canada to bomb the home of America's
first family: Alec, Stephen, Daniel, and James Baldwin. And because Americans needed no political
experience to hold public office, Kyle's mother teams up with President Clinton's husband
Bill to declare war on Canada.
Terrance and Phillip are executed, and their antioxidant-rich Canadian blood mixes with
the oxidants in the soil to open a wormhole, allowing the Bulls mascot and Sodomy to visit
Earth. But they immediately start bickering in public like a couple of relationship amateurs
who haven't learned to bottle everything up inside, and Kenny encourages the Bulls mascot
to send Sodomy back to Gomorry. To repay Kenny, the mascot grants him a wish, so he wishes
for a reset because you can take the characters out of the sitcom, but you can't take the
sitcom out of the blah blah blah you know the rest. What, do I always have to spell
it out for you? Alright, here goes:
South Park: Bigger Longer and Uncut is built on a foundation of metatextual narrative,
or meta-texnar -- but please, meta-tex-nar is its father, just call it meta. Humans were
obsessed with all things meta, from their decency shrouds to their world peace, and
movies were no exception. Terrance and Phillip: Asses of Fire is an exaggerated version of
the South Park film itself: a poorly animated, excessively profane adaptation of a controversial
TV show -- a show that was dismissed as being too poopy yet reflected something decidedly
non-poopy about America's stance on censorship. Cart-Man is literally censored when they implant
him with a profanityinhibiting V-chip, not to be confused with a V-card -- 20-yearold
me, you know what I'm talking about. This form of conditioning is reminiscent of that
which was used to cure society of violent crime in the sweet, pulpy British novel A Clockwork Orange.
Are bad words as deplorable as rape and murder?
If you look at Earth's standards of censorship, it would seem so.
Just remember what the MPAA stands; Horrific deplorable violence is OK,
As long as people don't say any naughty words!
Fitting for a planet where gratuitous mastication went unpunished.
Oh, come on!
Indeed, human priorities were way out of wack, which is the wrong place to be relative to wack.
Their culture was such that celebricide was treated with the utmost importance,
while more glaring injustices were left completely unaddressed.
The citizens of South Park would rather go to war than accept accountability for their children.
But so goes one of Earth's most sacred traditions
-- scapegoating.
Perhaps the only thing humans considered more sacred was the classic-style musical.
Which was when producers put songs in a story to make up for lack of plot.
South Park draws heavily on musicals past -- from the child oriented animation
To dramatic live action.
To tourism propaganda.
To whatever the hell this is.
And as the bird William Shakeshack once said, if music be the food of love, disgusting.
For Earthling Cinema, I'm Garyx Wormuloid.
Good Night, and goodbye.