And see that whatever I see in them is inside me,
I don't end up putting them on pedestals or pits,
I end up putting them in my heart.
You probably heard of the term intimacy,
and most people when you think of the word intimacy,
you think of possibly sexuality with some partner,
maybe kissing and hugging and things of that nature.
But I'd like to explore deeper,
this term intimacy and give it a new definition.
So I'm going to Demartini-ize the word intimacy and give you a deeper
appreciation for what it really is.
Not what people have assumed it has been for centuries.
When you meet somebody and you are infatuated with them,
which in all probability you've had a moment you've done, you
are conscious of the behavioral traits that they're displaying,
that are supportive of your higher values.
And therefore you tend to open up to them and want to consume them
as if they were prey, like an animal wants you to eat prey and consume it.
You can also be resentful to somebody and be conscious of the
downsides, unconscious of the upsides, and want to avoid being consumed.
So those are responses between things that we perceive that are supportive or
challenging to our higher values in our life.
Things that are most important down to mid imports.
And so most people have associated intimacy with the supportive side,
when you see more similarities than differences.
Think about the time when you're highly infatuated with somebody you see more
similarities than differences. When you're highly resentful to somebody,
you see more differences than similarities. When you're infatuated, you say,
'Oh my God, we have the same number of eyes, same number of teeth,
same number ribs, same number of arms and legs.
We must be soulmates.' That's because we're seeing similarities without
differences. When we're seeing differences, we don't have anything in common.
We're going into different directions.
We don't see eye to eye and it doesn't work anymore. So one,
it makes us want to consume and the other wants to avoid.
And most people think of intimacy when they're in that consumptive phase,
that similarity over differences, that support more than challenge,
the advantage over disadvantage,
and you're conscious of the upsides unconscious of the downsides.
And that is a form of intimacy, no doubt, but there's a deeper intimacy,
and this is a transcendent intimacy.
And this is the one that is almost a mystical experience for people who truly
have love for each other.
And this is when they realize that whatever they perceive in this individual,
they perceive also in themselves to the same degree. There's no distinctions.
In other words,
if you meet somebody that you resent and all of a sudden you ask,
what specific trait,
action or inaction do I perceive them displaying or demonstrating that
I despise most? And you actually itemize what that is,
make a list if there's more than one.
And then go inside yourself and ask yourself this question,
or tell yourself this statement, Go to a moment, John,
where and when you perceived yourself displaying or demonstrating that same or
similar specific trait, action, inaction.
And if you go and look at where you did it, when you did it,
to who you've done it to, and who perceives you do that,
and do that again and again and again, and look really integrally and honestly,
until the quantity and quality of what you perceive in them is now equally
reflected and perceived in you.
The moment you own the traits and the behaviors you
see in them, you realize you have reflective awareness.
And that means instead of decoying, deflecting them and going,
'I'm too proud to admit that what I see in them is inside me.
I own it.' And once I own what I see in them,
you now realize the balance of similarities and differences.
Yes. The way I see it in them, I see in me,
but it's through my values, which are slightly different.
So now you have a perfect blend of similarities and difference.
You own the traits that you perceive in them.
So you have a reflective awareness. And so there is a similarity,
even though there's a difference. In that moment, when you do that,
you have a intimacy.
Intimacy is proportionate to pure reflective awareness.
That means if you see a trait you admire,
that you're conscious of the upsides to and unconscious of the downsides,
and you ask, 'Okay, go John,
to a moment where and when you perceived yourself displaying or demonstrating
the specific trait action, action you admire in them. Where was it? When was it?
Who did you do it to?
And who perceives it?' If I own all the traits that are both
admired and despised, like and dislike, attracted and repelled from,
and own all of them and see that whatever I see in them is inside me,
I don't end up putting them on pedestals or pits,
I end up putting them in my heart.
And when I put them in my heart and have pure reflective awareness,
I have true intimacy. See,
while we're infatuated with somebody and we think we have intimacy,
we're actually blind to the downsides and we're too proud to admit we
have those, and we're blocking those out with a subjective bias,
confirmation bias and a disconfirmation bias.
But when we actually own both sides, the things we like and dislike,
now we have true reflective state and true intimacy.
When you are with somebody and you're dating somebody or going to marry
somebody, you're going to get things you like and dislike.
If you walked up to them and tried to project onto them,
that you're always nice, never mean, always kind, never cruel, always positive,
never negative. They wouldn't believe it.
And your own intuition would be whispering to you that's not believable.
You're blind to the downside. And if you went there and said,
'well you're always mean, you're never nice. You always cruel,
you're never kind. You're always negative, never positive.' Again.
You wouldn't believe.
And they wouldn't either because their intuition will be constantly whispering
their unconsciousness to try to help them be whole.
People want to be loved and appreciate for who they are. And you do too.
And that's including both the things you like and dislike, admire and despise,
the hero and the villain, the saint and the sinner, the virtue and the vice,
all the above. You don't need to get rid of half of yourself to love yourself.
You don't need to get rid of anybody them, any part of them to love them.
It's just simply asking;
where and when do I display and demonstrate whatever I see in them?
And to the degree that I do that,
and I own all the traits that I perceive in them that I'm attracted or repelled
from, both, not just one side, both sides,
I come and have a deep intimacy, and I start to love them unconditionally.
And that level of intimacy is a profound intimacy that allows resilience and
adaptability.
And that occurs more spontaneously when we're both in the relationship
living according to what we value most.
Because whenever we're living by priority,
our blood glucose and oxygen goes into the forebrain and we end up being more
objective.
And we ended up not having subjective biases and we tend to not polarize our
perceptions. We tend to synthesize them. And when we do,
we tend to own the traits and have reflective awareness,
which is the highest level of awareness. And this leads to true intimacy.
So don't confuse a puppy love and a little infatuation,
where we're blind to the downsides and disowning parts,
with real true intimacy, because it can fool you.
You can actually have a fatal attraction,
like Michael Douglas and Glenn Close in the movie,
where you're infatuated with the part,
and then you end up finding out broadsided by the other side.
And you've owned one, similars more than differences, but disown the other.
I want you to own all the above,
because when you actually own all the traits you see in other people and realize
you display and demonstrate the same things they have in your own way,
you have both similarities and differences and maximum growth and development
occurs at the border of similars and differences,
maximum love and true intimacy occurs in the border support and challenge
and pairs of opposites, similars and differences. And the moment you do that,
you get to love the individual for who they are.
They want to be loved and you want to be loved for who you are,
and you are all the above. You have both sides, you're not one-sided.
And if you try to put on a facade that you're one side,
you'll live with a moral hypocrisy and eventually be trapped by it.
But if you embrace both sides and own those sides,
you can experience true and lasting intimacy,
because when you're able to appreciate both sides and love them for who they
are, they turn into you love.
So I just wanted to make a distinction about the initial,
assumed form of intimacy that most people think of when they're infatuated,
when they want to, you know, get close to them sexually, and a true intimacy,
which is a mystical intimacy,
when you look eyes into eyes and you feel heart to heart,
and you feel that there's a pure, reflective awareness. That is available,
I teach in the Breakthrough Experience the Demartini Method for that state.
And that state is profound and it's meaningful and it's fulfilling.
And it helps both parties fulfill what they value most in life
and have the most fulfillment in life.
So I just wanted to make that distinction between true intimacy and the
superficial form of intimacy that most people associate with it.