- [Recording On Phone] This call may be
monitored or recorded because we're Big Bank and
we can do whatever the fuck we want.
- [Woman On Phone] Thank you for calling Big Bank,
your call is not important to us.
- Hi, I have a question that I could easily
take care of online.
- Great, is this Miss Alison Beardsley?
I'm making sure to use your full name
so this whole interaction feels uncomfortable.
- This is her.
I'm using my business voice because I want
to be taken seriously, despite the fact that it's 1:15,
and I just woke up for the day.
- Okay now, Miss Beardsley, do you know your account number?
- No one fucking does.
- And you probably won't give me
your social security number because
you're paranoid or some shit.
Which makes my job extra hard.
- I really hate your bank and how you reperesnt
corporate greed in America.
- But you're too lazy to find a credit union.
- And I think that if I ever change banks,
all my money will disappear.
- (laughs) We know that.
It looks like there's a problem with your account.
Oh, you're gonna be angry.
- I'm probably gonna yell at you
like you personally did this to me.
- You sure are!
Your account is overdrawn by 178 dollars
because of a gym membership you never use.
- What the fuck?
- There it is!
- Can I speak to
Can I maybe speak to your manager?
- No, but I will put you on hold for a minute
so I can have a break from you.
- ♫ Well it looks like you got put on hold
♫ So here's some random goddamn eighties song
♫ You got some bad news and you flipped your shit
♫ So you got put on hold
♫ You got put on hold, baby
♫ Put on hold
♫ Yeah
- Here's what I'll do.
I'll waive one tiny fee,
so it feels like you've accomplished something on this call.
- That doesn't fix my problem at all.
- There better not be anything else I can help you with.
- No, and God, you're not gonna do that thing where
you just recap everything we did in the last two minutes
like I wasn't even here, are you?
- Of, course!
It's my damn job!
- I'm not in a hurry, but I never wanted to make
this call in the first place, so every minute
I'm talking to you is terrible.
- It doesn't matter.
You won't hang up because you'll feel like a total asshole.
- That's true.
- First, you ate leftover Indian food
that's been sitting by your bed for three days?
- I sure did.
I do gross shit when I'm alone.
- Then I verified your identity, while you googled
'Will there ever be a show like The Bachelor for gay women'.
- I just wanna be prepared.
- And then you scrolled through Facebook
and deleted pictures from high school.
- Then I screamed at you
because I don't know how to manage my own money.
- That's right,
and it only took refunding you 12 dollars to calm you down,
which is just pathetic.
- Thanks for rewarding me
being an asshole to a complete stranger.
I may never realize how misplaced my anger is.
- That's what we do.
My life is a fucking nightmare.
Now, would you like to go paperless?
- Yes, please, stop sending me any--
- (laughs) It'll never happen.
(click)
[Recording On Phone] Thank you for calling Big Bank.
Goodbye.
- Hey what's up, its Alli from College Humor.
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