God dammit!
Looks like the, uh, lapel mic's still out of commission..
Gotta find something else to tape it to!
*tape sounds, "aeiou awaiou aeiou aggablagh
♪ The hills are alive with the sound of music ♪
*keyboard notes*
Welcome back to the news desk. "Gus, What are you doing at your desk???"
"What could be so important that you stopped making a sketch so you could sit here again??? D:"
Well, let me tell you, folks.
You ever get into the weird part of YouTube?
Where, you watch reality TV show that is normally saved for those days when you come home for--
--With the flu, and you're barfing up a storm watching Judge Joe Brown?
Camera keeps focusing on the microphone...
Well, last Tuesday I found myself in that part of YouTube again.
And I found.. a really good interview video.
An interview done by America's most renowned, leading, top..
Journalist!
♪ Doc~tor Phil ♪
fuck
♪ Doctor--
♪ Doctor...
♪ D o c t o r P h i l ♪
♪ bum bum♪
Dr. Phil.
Yes, Mr. Dr. Phil,
Who I forget exists for every couple years, and then we check back in on him..
and he looks the same!
It's a testament to the man's aging, because he has looked 48 years old for the last 73 years.
In fact, I think Dr. Phil just sort of squished out of his mom's uterus bald and sweaty with placenta dripping from his 'stache
wanting to help America's youth.
But we find ourselves today watching a Dr. Phil interview from a couple years ago that I had not seen before..
..that is perhaps one of the most laughably HORRIBLE interviews I've ever seen, EVER.
Now, I know it's low-hanging fruit to make fun of Dr. Phil or any other reality TV show star, but
HOLY MOLY MISS MOLY
This is a really bad interview!
So here's the premise:
There's this young kid, who killed his mother with a sledgehammer.
I know, don't worry, it gets better.
She doesn't make it, turns out. But it gets better.
But we got to find out why a young man would do such a thing!
So never fear...
DR. PHIL IS HERE
Dr. Phil: "Did you kill your mother?"
Guy: "Yeah."
that's it that's the end of the story
Dr. Phil: "And... you beat her to death with what?"
Guy: "Sledgehammer."
Dr Phil: "And how many times did you hit her with the sledgehammer?"
Guy: "I don't remember."
Dr. Phil: "Did you hit her once? Or did you hit her 10 times or a hundred times?"
So the kid beat his mom to death with a sledgehammer..
That's pretty gross, pretty grody and gruesome.
That's not good enough.
We got uhh.. We got to get the full SCOOP about what went down that day.
Dr. Phil: "Was this a three pound sledgehammer? 5 pound sledgehammer?"
Guy: "I don't know."
*laughs*
*imitating Phil* So is this like a 2 pound sledgehammer..?
Or like, maybe like, a 3 pound sledgehammer..?
Or perhaps a 4 pound sledgehammer..?
Dare I say...
S I X P O U N D S L E D G E H A M M E R
"Was it really heavy?" *breaks*
All right Phil, I-- We'll let you off the hook though.
You're just getting-- getting the deets. I-- I get you. Don't worry about it.
You're fine. Just 3 pound or 5 pound is cool. I'll let-- We'll let it slide, we'll let it slide.
Dr. Phil: "--heavy?"
Guy: "Yeah."
heavy
It's a fucking sledgehammer, it's heavy.
"𝓢𝓵𝓮𝓭𝓰𝓮𝓱𝓪𝓶𝓶𝓮𝓻𝓼 𝓪𝓻𝓮 𝓱𝓮𝓪𝓿𝔂." -𝓖𝓾𝓼
Dr. Phil: "Where was she when you did this?"
Guy: "She was in her room."
Dr. Phil: "What was she doing?"
*Imitating Dr. Philly Boi* "She was in her room, huh..?"
*breathing into microphone*
"What was she doin' in there?" *breaks*
*moustache ASMR*
"Oh~"
Dr. Phil: "And, you need to help me understand here."
Dr. Phil: "You're standing outside her bedroom door.."
This is just a nitpicky thing. I hate in any conversation, when someone says..
"You need to help me understand", or like,
"Help me understand this", like, that's the most condescending, stupid--
Well, I guess the kid did kill his mom.
So, alright I'll let you off the hook.
Dr. Phil: "You've got a sledgehammer in one hand. You've got your hand on the doorknob with the other.."
Dr. Phil: "..and you open that door, what's going through your head at that moment?"
Not a sledgehammer, am I right boys? Come on, give me something here.
ungh
Brofist! Fuck we're not doing that--
Brofist fellas! Come on, pound it. There ya go.
Dr. Phil: "Where did you get the hammer?"
Guy: "I, uh, got it from our garage."
Dr. Phil: "Did you go out to the garage to get it?"
Dr. Phil: "Uh huh."
He just, asked him the same question twice!
"Where did you get the hammer?"
"The garage."
"So did you go out to the garage to get the hammer?"
...
"Y e p ."
Dr. Phil: "Why kill her that night? Why not kill her a week earlier or a week later?"
*AGGRESSIVE PAUSE BUTTON*
WHAT?
"Why kill her that night"? "Why not kill her a week earlier"? Are we--
Sound like Dr. Philly Boi's tryin' to get in on the murder game, son.
Phil you dog, you-- you just wanna start a little killin' spree, boi!
Practically.. Dr. KILL over here, right fellas?
Dr. Phil: "You remember opening the door, right?"
Dr. Phil: "It wasn't locked.."
Guy: "It wasn't."
Dr. Phil: "Did you stand there and look at her for a minute before you did it?"
Alright, this is gettin' a little creepy.
D i d y o u s t a n d t h e r e a n d l o o k a t h e r f o r a m i n u t e ?
W h y n o t k i l l h e r a w e e k e a r l i e r ?
W h a t w a s s h e d o i n g ?
Dr. Phil: "And when you swung that hammer.."
Dr. Phil: "..The first time, did you swing it hard?"
When you swung that hammer for the first time
Did you swing it hard??
He's killing his mom! What answer do you give?!
"Hey man, hit me on the arm as hard as you killed your mom with the sledgehamm-" *wheezes*
If you showed me the transcript of this interview,
I would think it was a six-year-old child who was-- who was interviewing this murder boy.
"Did you hit her with the hammer?"
"Yes."
"Did you swing it hard?"
"Yes."
"Woah!"
Dr. Phil: "Did you swing from over your head?"
Guy: "Mm-hmm."
"Did you swing from over your head?"
Why does it matter?
Why does it matter??
He hit her with a hammer on the head!
--Ah, sorry, a SLEDGEhammer.
a three OR five pound sledge hammer.
He hit her on the head!
Clearly this is just an example of trying to stretch shit out until it-- until it's a five-minute video here.
Dr. Phil: "Was this a big..."
Dr. Phil: "...swing from over your head?"
"Was this a big swing from over your head?"
"TELL ME SON, did you give a little...
💥 WHACK 💥
"Didja give her a little whack, son?"
You see my man Phil over here, now, just salivating right now.
Look at his eyes, dude. Check 'em out.
"Did you swing real hard?"
"I bet you swung real hard."
"Over the head, right?"
"Show me the motion, go ahead, give me that motion."
"OH~"
Dr. Phil: "Did she make a noise?"
May I remind you, this is network television.
"Did she make a noise?"
Phil is all in at full force at this point.
Guy: "I could, uh, just hear the hammer heading her head."
*AGGRESSIVE KEYBOARD NOISES*
♪ ♪ ♪
WHO
WHO ASKS
A KID WHO MURDERED HIS MOM
WHAT THE NOISE OF THE 🎹HAMMER GOING 🎹THROUGH HER 🎹SKULL
🎹SOUNDS LIKE
What kind of journalism is this supposed to be???
This is the kind of content-- this cont--
That content is worse than THIS content that you're watching now,
and I'm sorry you have to watch THIS now,
But I had to watch THAT THEN.
AND NOW!
Alright, ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to...
"What Noise is This?®"
Now close your eyes. Come on, give them a little shut-eye.
I don't want you peeking again, God damn it, Thomas..
SHUT YOUR EYES.
All right, now listen closely everybody, let's..
♪ Play that sound!~ ♪
*First 6 notes of Overworld - Super Mario Bros*
Okay, times up. Now, what sound did you think it was?
Was it, A: Me munchin' on a big ol' vine of grapes,
B: Me mowin' down on a large wild cherry Icee that I got for $5.95 at the local movie theater,
C: A big ol' friendly dog coming by to give you a kiss on the cheek,
or D: A young man murdering his mom with a three to five pound sledgehammer that he hit her with over the head repeatedly. Was it 10 times? Was it a hundred times? We may never know.
*more moustache ASMR*
it was D
Guy: "There was this, uh, wet thumping sound."
"It was this wet thumping sound."
Who would have thought?
Dr. Phil: "How long before you hit her the second time?"
What the fuck is wrong with you, Phil? Goddamn it, dude.
What? How long before you hit her the second time--?
Well, she's obviously dead, does it matter?
Do you think this kid is in there timing like he's doing laps on a goddamn track?
"Okay, start the stopwatch, here we go."
💥 WHACK 💥
One
💥 WHACK 💥
Two
💥 WHACK 💥
Three, you're going for your PR, guy!
Keep it going!
Keep swinging!
All three to five - pounds. Let's keep - swinging!
Get in there, son.
♪ I DON'T NEED A WHOLE LOTSA MONEY ♪
Dr. Phil: "On October 17th, you wrote..."
WOAH DOC'S SUITIN' UP, GLASSES ARE GOIN' ON, BOYS
"So you've been known to kill moms..."
"But have you ever been known to kill.."
✨ STYLE ✨
I just realized after looking at the screen that, uh, after I put on the glasses,
I look like Jeffrey Dahmer. So that's, uh..
Bit ironic. Could we get a side-by-side?
Dr. Phil: "Do you need help? Is there something wrong with the way you think?"
What?! Look at the bottom of the screen!!
"#SledgehammerMurder"???
I didn't notice that before!
oh, murder me
#SledgehammerMurder
That's some funny stuff right there.
Somebody look it up right now. Is there-- is there a #SledgehammerMurder?
All right, so I'm going to Instagram right now, I'm going to look up #SledgehammerMurder.
Three public posts!
They are-- oh Jesus!
So there are three photos on Instagram for #SledgehammerMurder.
And they're all photos that someone took of their TV of the show going on.
I don't get why every TV show has to just throw hashtags up all the time. No one is searching for this stuff!
#SledgehammerMurder. That doesn't add anything!
Guy: "I feel it was an accident. I don't think so."
Dr. Phil: "Y-You smiled again when I asked you that. Why did you smile what I asked you that?"
Guy: "I was just, uh, thinking of something."
Dr. Phil: "What were you thinking?"
Guy: "Something about my friend Mar(k/th)."
Dr. Phil: "Uh huh, can you tell me what it was?"
Guy: "I don't know how to describe it to you."
What?? That's how they-- that's it?
There's no other videos-- that's how they end the interview.
They lead that WHOLE thing up..
"Can you describe it to me?"
...
"I dunno how to describe it to you."
EUGH
Watching stuff like that just makes you feel gross.
This interview went absolutely nowhere. What was the point to it?
There was no point. I'll save you the time, don't watch it. You JUST watched it!
I made a candy sized, bite-size, fun size for you, okay?
Thank you so much to Dollar Shave Club for sponsoring today's video.
Thank you for watching the video.
If you have been here for a while, I don't know if this is something that I should keep doing. I'm kind of trying out something new.
I'm not abandoning the memes and the short sketches and stuff, too, but,
I put out that cell phone video like a week ago and a TON of people liked it,
a ton of people started watching it and stuff, so I don't know, it kind of got me confused. Do you want to see more videos like this?
Yes or no, please tell me in the comments below, because I genuinely-- I don't know,
This is kind of uncharted territory for me.
If I should do one of these videos
Every once in a while where I kind of look at something stupid, or talk about a problem and cut it together
I would genuinely love to hear your feedback because I really don't know, and it's gonna kind of adjust the course of what I do
in the future, so... Let me know in the comments below
Please check out the description, follow me on Twitter and Patreon and all that stuff and..
I don't know, boys and girls just check out
good, wholesome content and not reality-television.
Bye boys
AND GIRLS
Hey fellas, hey ladies, welcome to this television commercial, which was kindly sponsored by Dollar Shave Club.
Now, if you saw my last video at the desk where I was complaining about mobile game sponsors you remember that I said that
Dollar Shave Club is one of the most genuine, nice,
realistic, and cool companies that I've ever worked with.
They're very supportive of Youtubers, and they're supportive of me, supportive of this video. Huge thank you to Dollar Shave Club.
Now here's the thing about Dollar Shave Club is they're more than just razors
They have tons of products on their store for skin care, hair care, all sorts of stuff.
Right now. You can go to dollarshaveclub.com/GusJohnson
and get your own gosh-darn starter kit, it's only five bucks! Look at that's already opened it up.
Oh, Dr. Carver's Easy Shave Butter. Smells good.
Wanderer Calming Amber Lavender Body Cleanser!
That sounds grand, sounds grand indeed!
Got a whole bunch of blades in this box right here, boys. Check this out. You got four replacement blades you got their executive razor..
..right here. Oh, this is weighty as hell, you hear that? That's no-- that's no plastic garbage.
That's quality boys, it's quality!
Got a whole bunch of these One Wipe Charlies as well so that you know when you sit down on that pot, you're not going to sit down and rot. Am I right fellas?
Bug in my eye.
Now, I know this is gonna be really difficult because, uh, turns out my girlfriend really loves the mustache.
She's gonna be sorry. I will pay-- I know I'm not paying you-- I will pay you less. I'll find a way.
Oh, boy.
We were at Ralph's the other day, and I asked the cashier, I said "I won't take offense to this,
tell me honestly, how old do you think I am?" And she unironically said "31 years old." 31.
What the hell Ralph's? Don't sponsor me with your hateful employees. I'm 23, damn it. I'm in the prime of my life!
Okay, it goes on pretty smooth. Oh, it's kind of like minty! It feels good on your face!
I didn't even buzz the rest of my face and this is not uncomfortable at all.
Look how the razor just tears through with the facial hair of the modern rugged man.
Should I keep this little patch, like I'm in Smash Mouth?
Why? Be supportive of my body.
Hot diggity dang! I'm gonna be the-- I'm gonna be the handsomest man at the ball.
Wowza, and just like that. I'm 40 years younger. Take that Ralph's employee. Who's 31 now, huh?
I'll fight you. I will fight you. I'm canceling my Ralph's subscription.
So check out Dollar Shave---
dammit
Check out Dollar Shave Club today, go to dollarshaveclub.com/GusJohnson, and you can get your own starter kit just like that.
High-quality.
Huge thanks. Pap-- papa-- er, Dollar Shave Club.
Can't do Papa John's jokes anymore.
[Holy heck this took multiple days to subtitle]
[Hope you enjoyed the fruits of my labor, I guess ~Funnystuf]
[#SledgehammerMurder]