On the last few episodes of relationship radio, we've been
explaining a new system that we have developed to help people
rescue their marriages and rescue themselves. The first three
steps have to do with getting stability or stabilizing. If
you're looking to rescue the marriage, you've got to stabilize
what's going on. And then that fourth step is how do we start
healing, what needs to be healed inside of me. And in terms of
our relationship itself, and the end of that we talked about
exploring reconciliation. And if you go through that process of
exploring reconciliation, and you decide that you will reconcile
the next three more steps, we're going to explain to you about
how you can create a dream life together. So Kimberly, this is
Kimberly Holmes, our CEO, by the way, I'm Dr. Joe beam, welcome
to relationship radio. What is the first of those last three
steps in other words, step number five, and our seven step
system, right,
step five is coming right after reconciliation. And so there's
trust that likely needs to be rebuilt. So the fifth step is to
rebuild trust. This is huge, because we don't want to get
intimate or be committed or do some other things that we'll
share in the later steps with people that we still don't trust
or that we fear are going to hurt us or abandon us, or
manipulate us. So that that it is key to focus on rebuilding
trust and accountability.
And if you've heard us talk about trust, we have toolkits in
other things about trust out there, to remember that we talk
about trust as being a predictive word, that if I trust you, I
believe that the decisions you make, and the actions you take,
will be the for the benefit of our relationship for the benefit
of me, and not just for the benefit of you, when it might hurt a
relationship or might hurt me. And so it's a predictive word.
And if you've been through marriage crisis, it's very likely
that at least one of you now distrust the other. Or it may be
that both of you now distrust the other, you might be thinking,
Well, does that mean we both have done some things that we
shouldn't have done? And the answer to that is, probably, so you
see, let's say, for example, that a spouse has been unfaithful,
and you put them in, you decided now to put the marriage back
together, you decided to reconcile? And you're thinking, Okay,
it's a pretty clear thing here, that building that trust has to
be that I need to be able to trust that my spouse is not going
to be doing that kind of thing any more. That's right. But what
if in the process of as you dealt with these things,
particularly maybe in the early days, let's suppose that you
told his or her parents or you told the minister or pastor,
whomever it might be, that in essence, we call it throwing under
the bus, that you basically thrown your spouse under the bus,
then believe it or not, there's also a process then where that
they have to learn to trust you again, he said, but they just
got what they deserved. I mean, he was the one cheating or she
was the one cheating, I was just looking for support group over
here, therefore, I didn't really do anything wrong. But if your
spouse believes that his or her secrets are not safe with you,
that you're going to be telling other people about anything they
might do wrong, then remember that predictive word of trust, I
believe that the decisions you make and the actions you take,
will be for the benefit of a relationship and a benefit of me,
and not just for yourself to the detriment of our relationship
or detriment of me. So Kimberly, I don't think we talked a lot
about that second part I'm talking about right now, am I off?
That? Or am I right, that sometimes the so called innocent
spouse also has to rebuild trust, get trust rebuilt from the
other spouse?
Yeah, absolutely. Because even when I think I think an affair is
an easy example, because it's clear, where trust where the big
trust was, was broken. But when you think about the science of
trust, any relationship that's going to go through
reconciliation, there's going to be trust broken in some way on
both sides. Even something as small as you didn't help me out
when you said you were going to you weren't there for me when
you said you would be you, you know, you alluded to our my
expectation going into the marriage was you would act this way
towards me or, you know, touch me in this kind of way. There's
so many layers and levels of trust, some spoken and, and
expected some unspoken and still expected. And so each person is
going to have those that's explicit or implicit that they've
that they've expected that in reconciliation should come forward
in some way to fully help rebuild the trust. Because I want to
trust in just like you said, Trust is all about. I trust that
you're going to make the decision that's best for the
relationship. Not just for you, not just for me, but for the
relationship. So we need to put everything on the table so that
it's clear what the expectations are of the relationship. And we
can agree on those terms.
And since you brought it up it, it makes a lot of sense, there
are different layers to it. And there are different aspects. So
for example, may still distrust you, when it comes to that you
may cheat on me, but may trust you it completely with the lives
of our children. And so the fact that you distrust in one area
does not necessarily mean you distrust in every area, or that I
trust that you're trying to put the relationship back together.
But until you have had some test, I don't trust having sex with
you for fear that I may wind up getting something I don't want
to get that kind of thing. We call the process of building trust
back calculative trust. So let's try to look at it from both
sides. Now, let's say that one of them, has gambled away a lot
of money. Okay. And the other one finds out, we got $50,000 in
debt, I didn't know we had and, and therefore how am I going to
trust you? What are some of the things that could happen to
calculate Tivoli? In other words, can we calculate what can we
design? What can we develop that can get me to where I trust
you, but the money. So just kind of freeform on that for a
second?
Yeah, so working together to create an accountability system. So
of course, shared bank accounts, may be limited spending on
cards in the person with the gambling problems name, right. So
do the things that help put the brakes like a governor on a car,
that can help with just the behavior of it. But the other thing,
there's the behavior aspect that you can limit by controls, but
then there's also a heart change, so to say that needs to happen
in the person who has the behavior that they're struggling with.
So then that person, you know, if they're struggling with
gambling, going to get help with that type of thing, finding
something to help their internal need, or drive for that
behavior to decrease as well. So there's multiple parts that
that play into this good,
very good. And so designing a plan in a situation like that
might be, we're gonna make a plan where we know where all the
money goes, therefore, you can't be gambling it off some secret
way. But also in our plan, we need to get you some help for that
addiction. Yep. Okay. And so calculative trust can be very
complicated. Hopefully not too complicated, but layered, that's
the word I'm looking for. It's layered. And if it's going to
work, then there have to be consequences, both good and bad. In
other words, if we, if you do this, and we work this thing out
here, the good things are gonna happen. But if you violate that,
there can be some negative consequences to it as well. Okay,
now, let's take that same situation. But now let's look at the
other spouse who went and told all of her friends, my husband
gamble my money away, or our money away. Yeah. And now all of
our friends treat him differently and look down their nose at
him, etc. Now, how are we going to build that trust? In that
direction?
Yeah. Well, part of it's going to be asking the offended spouse
in that party. So the gambler? What What would it look like for
me to rebuild trust in that area, it's probably going to be to
some extent going back and apologize. Possible, apologizing for
sharing that but maybe more than apologizing, saying, This is
where we stand, we're rebuilding our marriage, that is something
that is forgiven and moved on from, and I ask that you don't
hold that against my spouse or share it with anyone else. Right.
So there could be an aspect of that to it.
That's good. What else? It can also be that the council the fact
that I shared a lot of information through my texts, then maybe
you can for the next 60 days, 120 days, whatever, you can look
at any text I send, so you can know I'm not throwing you under
the bus by the text that I sent.
Yeah, because that's the bottom line. I mean, it's the bottom
line of what is it about the action that broke the trust. And in
that situation, it's likely I don't trust for you to keep our
secrets private or the things that are supposed to be just for
us private. So then that's what you're dealing with, when you
can get to the core of what you're dealing with that the that
the distrust or mistrust came from, then that's what you tackle.
And so sometimes people have said, well, I've seen this in
couples I've worked with, in a situation like we're describing,
it might be that the husband would say, Well, if you know where
every penny goes, then that means you don't trust me. And my
response would be That's correct. She doesn't, but she wants to.
And that's why the calculative trust process is being built so
she can trust you again. So you're right. The calculus of trust
proves that at this point. She doesn't trust you. Yeah, but
she's try her best to trust you and the same the other direction
back. And like many things that won't be done perfectly, you're
going to be times when you got to figure out how to modify it
and those kinds of things. And sometimes you need some wise
people to help you design a calculated trust, because there are
occasions when a person will designed to calculative trust in
such a way is to actually not try to rebuild trust, but to try
to actually control the other person. And when you're trying to
control the other person at always winds up badly,
right? The other reason this is important is because typically,
when people don't have marriage helper, and they try to
reconcile, it typically goes something like, Okay, you had that
affair, or you gambled that money away. But if you do it again,
that's it, you're out. Like, that's what's put in for rebuilding
trust, don't do it again. So you're not really fleshing out the
issues and the core needs and developing a plan and actively,
proactively rebuilding the trust aspect of it exactly. So
instead, you're just watching for the other person to fail,
instead of actively working for both of you to trust each other
again. So that's the key of why this is so important and needs,
needs, needs needs needs to happen.
In our membership, there's a toolkit Yeah, that people can
actually use, it'll guide them through exactly how to design and
develop it, not by telling you what to do. But by asking you the
questions, right, that will lead you to design that, because you
want to have trust. And during the calculated trust period, it
may be that things are required, that you couldn't live with for
the rest of your life. Like, I can't feel that you've got to be
looking at every text message I ever send until I die, because
then I don't feel trusted. And so this calculated trust process
lasts long enough, however long that needs to be to redevelop
the trust, but then slows, things will be relaxed. Because trust
does exist again, right. And if you offer to do those things, it
doesn't feel burdensome. Now, after I left Alice all those years
ago, divorced her. And in three years later, we remarried then
Alice had a lot of things that she needed me to do. So she could
rebuild trust. And I happily did them. Because I wanted her to
trust me again. But now we don't even think about it and haven't
for years and years and years and years. Right? Right. So
rebuilding trust is crucial, because if you don't, you're never
going to be able to do this next step.
Which is to re ignite intimacy and passion,
or in some cases may be to originally ignite Muslim nation the
first time based on what your marriage has been through.
So in this step, the and again, we said it, but just to clarify,
the reason that trust comes before it is because it's difficult
to want to become intimate or passionate with someone you don't
trust. So now that we trust them, we really have this freedom to
focus on how do we become best friends again, which is what
intimacy is, which by the way, will also continue to help trust
to build and then how do we find our passion again, how do we
feel like we love each other again, how do we do all of that?
It's interesting that this is coming at step six, but we've done
a lot of work
to really get here. Absolutely. And so that's what we're talking
about. On our next episode of relationship Radio.