- Therapy can be a life-changing experience.
It can help us break free from old unhealthy patterns
and even heal from past trauma,
but we don't talk much about what to expect in therapy
or how to know what we can get out of it.
The conversation pretty much starts and ends with,
"Well, you should see a therapist and get some help."
We assume that once we reach out,
we will get help and things will start to feel better,
but that's not always the case,
which is why today I wanna address the six things
we should not expect from therapy.
(bright music) (text popping)
And the first and most important one
is that they will fix all of our problems.
Going to therapy,
unfortunately, isn't like taking our fridge
into the repairman.
They don't know what parts are faulty right away
and are able to replace them.
We have to work through our issues,
figure out what's going on,
and work together to come up with possible solutions.
And this all takes time,
hard work on our part, and a lot of practice.
The things we work on in therapy aren't easy
and it can even take us a while to figure out
what change we're capable of making.
So be patient with yourself as you sort through it all.
Decide what it is you wanna change
and work to make those changes.
It's hard, but trust me, it's totally worth it.
(bright music)
Now the second thing that we should not expect from therapy
is to date or become friends with our therapist.
It's actually against the law
for us to try and date a patient
if we've seen them within the last three years,
but I would argue that it's never okay.
As for being friends, that's not right either,
although it's more of an ethical issue
rather than a legal one.
But either way, consider how one-sided
or off-balance the relationship is.
If therapy's done properly,
you don't know much about them
and they know all the private stuff about you.
Not to mention that we came to them looking for help
and they're the professionals whose job it is to help us.
That's not a healthy dynamic for any relationship.
We should be learning about
and building trust for one another at the same time.
Now I do wanna mention that as a patient,
it is normal to want these things to happen,
especially if we're healing from trauma,
have attachment issues,
or borderline personality disorder just to name a few,
but it's up to the therapist
to explain why it's not appropriate
and work with you to figure out where it's coming from
and how to process that need or childhood wound.
(bright music)
Moving on to number three,
they shouldn't be insensitive to your religion, culture,
age, gender, race, sexual orientation, et cetera.
In order for therapy to work,
we have to feel like our therapist gets us, respects us,
or at least tries to,
and lets us teach them when they they don't understand.
And I don't say that to make you think
that it's your job to teach them,
but if they get something incorrect
or say something that you don't think is appropriate,
they should ask questions to clarify
and really listen to your answers
and possibly do their own research
about something so that they can better assist us.
They should also support us
and be sensitive to our unique needs.
It's not a therapist's place to push their own thoughts
or beliefs onto others,
or to treat us differently because of ours.
That's actually the opposite of therapy.
So if your therapist is consistently insensitive
to your background, beliefs, et cetera,
it may be time to find another one.
And as a side note,
this is why we shouldn't know too much about our therapist,
because even if they are, let's say, Catholic,
that shouldn't get in the way of them
supporting our atheism, just for an example.
Knowing too much about our therapist
can make it harder for us to be open and honest
when this shouldn't affect their ability to help at all.
(bright music)
Moving on to number four,
which kind of rolls off a number three,
and that is they shouldn't be judgmental or critical of us.
When we tell them something that we're upset about,
it's not appropriate for them to use words
like only, just, or ask questions say, why?
Meaning, they shouldn't say things like,
"Oh, well, that's only depression.
I have so many other patients with it worse."
Or, "Why did you do that?"
Or, "Oh, you're just self-injuring."
These words are minimizing
and can make it harder for us to open up
and feel like it's okay to do so.
They can cause us to question if we really do need help.
Or what I hear from a lot of you is that you already worry
about taking that hour for yourself
because you know, you think someone else could need it more
or it's hard for you to take up space
and to actually utilize help.
And that's why it's imperative that our therapist
is accepting and validating throughout our sessions.
This doesn't mean that they accept
and support us talking trash to ourselves
or doing something harmful,
but they should listen and validate our experience.
Then they can ask questions to get us
to see why maybe that behavior wasn't helpful
or that when we do that self-destructive thing,
we only feel worse.
That's what the therapy process should be like.
(bright music)
Next up is number five,
and we should never expect our therapist
to give us unsolicited advice or tell us what to do.
Contrary to what many people think,
a good therapist won't tell you what you should
or should not do in your life.
Our job isn't to instruct you to break up
with that toxic boyfriend or girlfriend,
or take that promotion and move to another city.
Our job is to help you build a healthier sense of self
and confidence to make your own decisions.
We can encourage you to consider the pros of that choice
or take note of when someone puts you down,
but what you do with that information
is always your decision to make
because you are the one that has to live with it.
It's your life, not ours
so don't let a therapist tell you how to live it.
Our goal is honestly to help you create
the best life for you,
and we can't know what that is without your input.
So a good therapist will always push you
to notice uncomfortable or unhealthy things,
but leave the choice up to you.
(bright music)
And finally, number six,
we shouldn't expect our therapist to pick up calls,
answer texts, or do anything else in our sessions
other than listen to you, take notes,
offer thoughts, insights, questions, or feedback.
So often I hear how a therapist takes other patient calls
or texts people back
while in session with a patient
and I cannot for the life of me understand
why they would think this is okay.
The 50 minutes or so that you get with your therapist
is your time and they need to treat it as such.
And to be honest, the 10 minutes that we get
in between each appointment often isn't enough time.
But that's why I personally give myself a free hour
every three to four patients so I can catch up on my notes,
grab some food, call people back, et cetera.
Our therapy time is sacred.
Being vulnerable about life experiences
and sharing things we may be afraid to talk about
needs to be respected and held in that space.
To feel like someone isn't listening
or even paying attention to us can do more harm than good.
(bright music)
To recap, because I know that's a lot to remember,
the six things we should not expect from therapy
are number one, that they will fix all of our problems;
number two, that we will date them or become best friends;
number three, that they will be insensitive
to our religion, culture, age, gender, race,
sexual orientation, et cetera;
number four, that they will be judgmental or critical of us;
number five, that they will give us unsolicited advice;
and finally number six, that they will pick up calls,
answer texts, or whatever
other than listen to us during our appointment.
I know reaching out to see a therapist can be scary,
and I'll be honest, even when I go between therapists,
like right now I'm between therapists,
it's hard for me to speak up and reach out
and it takes me way longer than it should.
So trust me when I tell you that it's difficult.
Also, the last time I was trying to find a therapist,
it took me four failures
before I found one that I actually liked.
So if you're caught in that process,
just know you're not alone
and there are good therapists out there.
We can find someone who's a good fit
who actually gets us
and doesn't do any of the things I talked about
in this video.
And also, as a side note,
'cause I hear this this all the time,
all of you are deserving of care.
We don't have to be feeling at our worst
or potentially suicidal
or struggling with a really intense mental illness
to warrant getting professional help.
Just like our physical health,
the sooner we reach out
and the sooner we see someone, the better.
It's like if we went and got checked up by the doctor
when we just had a runny nose
versus waiting till we have walking pneumonia,
it's gonna be a little bit easier to treat
and also we won't feel bad for as long.
So just keep that in mind when you consider reaching out.
And don't be like me.
Reach out sooner
because the sooner we do,
the sooner we can start feeling better.
I hope this helps you know what to expect from therapy
and ensure ensures you get the right help
when you need it most.
Have a wonderful week and I will see you next time.
(bright music)