Mario games aren't platformers.
They also dis-empower women and promote organized crime.
That's right! Game Theory is back!
Hello Internet, welcome to Game Theory!
Hailed by critics as, "Fast edits with mildly impressive photo-shopping.
So, Princess Peach.
She's one of the first ladies of video gaming, and also one of the most innocuous.
Beautiful, polite, modest.
Even when she engages in brawls, she remains classy and even-tempered.
Take for instance, the Humble Smash Ball.
Where it turns other cute characters into fire-spewing creatures of winged death,
Peach uses it to calmly summon a rain of pelting fruit.
Or how about in Super Mario RPG?
While other characters use magic to conjure deadly electrobolt storms, or towering
infernos - she calls forth an army of sheep.
But not angry, trample you to death sheep!
Just sleepy sheepies, shleepies sheepies.
Seriously, Miss Pac-Man is edgier,
and she's a yellow circle with a bow!
So would it surprise you, then, to hear that behind
these yellow locks is a ticking time-bomb of hormones,
and the mastermind behind Bowser's nefarious schemes?
Be warned, dear Theorists this video is rated M for
"Mamma Mia that's a spicy episode!"
As we begin to peel this peach, I submit that Mario's Gal-Pal
here is a clear candidate for bipolar disorder,
A psychological issue, marked by periods of extreme mood shifts manic highs and depressive lows.
Sure, I've already said that in most games
she appears cool and collected, but in the most games
she's only making a cameo.
In Super Princess Peach, however,
she's the main protagonist, and she's not fighting her way to Bowser
with parasols and vegetables.
O-ho no!
She attacks with rapid mood swings.
Get her mad, she literally catches on fire!
Happy, she twirls and flies!
Sad, and she cries uncontrollable, bitter tears.
Way to go Nintendo. You make the girl a hero and you give her the power of PMS.
"I attack with my emotions!"
People with bipolar disorder tend to be either manic or depressive for the whole day.
Peach takes it to a whole 'nother level
switching back and forth in the span of
seconds,
changing from one extreme emotion to the next, quite literally, with the press of a button.
Bipolar disorder also comes packaged with unhealthy eating habits.
Peach's insistence on constantly making an eating cake?
Yeah, that cake ain't a lie.
She's just eating it to escape her crippling depression.
Bipolar disorder.
But before we finish talking about Nintendo's sexist little romp,
in Super Princess Peach, her Hormonal Highness
is fighting for control of, get this, the vibe scepter.
You heard that right.
Vibe scepter. They couldn't possibly mean...
Yeah, yeah they do.
At the end of the game, on-screen text implies that
the vibe scepter can be found in my own house, and is responsible for my mom laughing happily a lot.
Super Princess Peach - encouraging children to find their parents' sex toys since
2005.
So she's a little moody and sexually repressed,
but can we really blame Peach for being a little off her rocker?
I mean, the woman's been kidnapped at least 12 times,
eight of which were by an over-sized humanoid-turtle.
Eight!
Which begs the question, "How does this happen?".
As royalty of her kingdom, don't you think that at some point,
she would take a stand?
Start an army consisting of more than just little boys in diapers?
Move to an airtight bunker?
At the very least, stop playing board games with the guy!
After 26 years of being violently kidnapped against your will,
don't you think that you'd want it to stop?
Maybe not.
It's very possible that Peach has Stockholm Syndrome -
a psychological event, in which people taken hostage
develop positive feelings towards their captors,
sometimes to the point of defending their actions, even falling in love with them.
According to the FBI database,
27% of hostages demonstrated some level of Stockholm syndrome.
But if you really want an example of this bizarre psychological phenomenon -
You know who's an expert? Walt Disney.
Seriously!
Belle from Beauty and the Beast, the smartest, most independent female princess
they've ever produced, is a victim of Stockholm Syndrome.
Let's recap!
Her father is being held prisoner by fuzzy wuzzy over here.
Belle offers to take his place as hostage.
Sure, the rest of the movie would love for you to forget this little plot point,
But it doesn't change the fact that she's being held there against her will
"Oh, he gave her a library!"
To make her forget that she's a captive in his home.
"Oh, look, they're dancing!"
Yeah, in the equivalent of a prison mixer.
"Oh, they're falling in love!"
Because the only other thing she's been talking to this whole time has been a cutlery set.
Now look at Peach.
Clearly she has taken no action to protect herself or her kingdom.
It's like she's asking to get kidnapped, and where's Mario?
Don't you think that after - I don't know - two?
Maybe three
kidnappings he would show some concern for his girlfriend's safety?
Raise an eyebrow that Bowser always gets an invite to the Go-karting tournaments?
Step in and say, "You know what honey, maybe it's a time
we did something permanent about this a-Bowser a-problem!"
But he doesn't! You know why? Because it's all staged!
Don't believe me?
One of the hottest new underground businesses right now is executive abductions,
a politically correct term for staged kidnappings.
Starting at the low low price of $1,500 -
you can have the kidnapping adventure you always dreamed of.
These companies guarantee that once you sign the papers,
you won't know when, where, or
how your personal abduction may happen.
One woman who told the company she wanted to lose weight
was held captive in a basement with only an exercise bike for four weeks.
Another paying victim asked if the service could possibly make her slowly go crazy!
Sorry, honey.
If you're asking for this sort of service, you're there already.
Other possible scenarios on the website include stalkers, home break-ins, and
ransom drops, along with optional endings that include getting left in the middle of nowhere.
Truly, they are the Burger King of kidnappers, letting customers have it their way.
Now consider Mario and Peach.
One a paunchy plumber,
the other a conservative princess, looking for a decent vibe scepter.
But with peach getting fake kidnapped, everyone benefits.
Mario gets to change from Joe Schmoe to a hero, rescuing a damsel in distress.
Bowser gets paid, and perhaps some side benefits from his
Stockholm Sweetheart,
and Peach gets a little excitement in her conservative, repressed life.
Testimonials from the professional kidnapping companies mirror these facts,
with clients admitting that in normal life, they're often quiet and reserved.
But that these kidnapping scenarios allow them a chance to escape from their daily inhibitions,
and it's all completely safe!
Sure you might get roughed up a little, but at the end of it all Peach gets saved by her
knight in shining overalls.
With the scenario over, they all go golfing,
friends until it's time for another surreptitious romp.
Need more proof?
In new Super Mario Brothers Wii, Mario just stands there while the Koopa kids steal Peach in a cake.
He stands there,
watching this happen
when there is clearly plenty of time for him
to realize what's happening, and take action.
How about in Super Mario Galaxy?
Peach, once again,
just stands there for minutes on end as warships approach her castle, as Bowser
taunts her, and then summons a UFO to abduct her.
She is clearly putting up no resistance,
not running away, not showing any emotion.
Nothing! Clearly these are people who want this kidnapping to happen!
But most convincingly of all, a few years ago, a brilliant game theory circulated
around the internet that Super Mario Brothers 3
was merely a stage play. The evidence is convincing the game opens with a rising curtain.
The platforms are bolted onto the background each "stage", ends with you going off stage
But most importantly objects casting shadows onto the sky,
which makes no sense unless you consider that the sky is actually a backdrop of the sky.
Finally, there's platforms suspended in the air by wires.
In the theater world, those would be aircraft cables -
attached to long poles in the ceiling called battens.
Pretty strong evidence for this not occurring in the real world.
Almost like everyone in the game is an actor in an elaborate play.
In short, what we have here is
solid proof that Mario games shouldn't be classified as platformers.
They are, in fact, the greatest role playing games ever created.
But hey! That's just a theory! A Game Theory!
Thanks for watching! (song in background)
# -And a ho, the obnoxious dream girl of Mario #
# Being around for only causes anger to grow #
# It's Princess Peach, she's Mario's leech that's the good thing, she gives me the creeps #
# I don't know why it's pretty lines, just for some cake it's a real mistake #
# Back in the day, she was all right #
# She could throw bombs and had the power of flight #
# Now it seems, she's played us for fools #
# She can't even keep that kingdom she rules #