[children chanting] Pork E.! Pork E.! Pork E.!
Pork E.! Pork E.! Pork E.! Pork E.!
[techno music]
[music stops, stutters]
- No.
Damn it, Mads, you're jamming my flow.
I told you to go around during showtime.
- Sorry.
- [sighs]
[techno music resumes]
- Put on your pee pants, pants,
because things are about to get crazy.
It's the moment you've all been waiting for.
It's the performance of a lifetime.
It comes every third hour on the hour.
The king of quills.
The prince of prick.
Mr. Pork E. Pine!
[children chanting] Pork E.!
[children cheering]
[wacky music playing]
- [high-pitched singing] Hey it's Pork E. time
Hey its Pork E. time
Pork E. time
[playful music]
- [man singing] This is America
Land of dreams
Everyone can climb higher
- [women singing] No you know you're stuck here
'Cause you're a part-timer yeah
- [man singing] You can do anything
- [woman singing] As long as it's not hard
- [man singing] And you can go anywhere
- [woman singing] As soon as you get a car
- [man singing] You're gonna be a huge success
- [woman singing] Come on that's not who you are
- [man singing] You're a part-timer cursed
With full-time dreams
And this low-paying job is as bad as it seems
Bad as it seems
What the [bleep] are you doing here?
Whoa
What the [bleep] are you doing here?
Oh
Seriously, dude? - Like, what the [bleep]?
[wacky music playing]
- Excuse me?
I work in TV,
and I want to talk to someone about Pork E.
Do you know who's in charge here?
- This guy.
Well, technically, it's that guy.
[wacky music continues]
- Thank you.
- [high-pitched singing] Pork E. Pine
- Guys, we're gonna be on a TV commercial!
- Wow! - [laughs]
- And Ian is gonna star as the face of childhood obesity.
- Oh, because he looks like a fat child.
- No.
Because Pork E. may be portly,
but he can still dance.
And that is what childhood obesity is all about.
- What are the rest of us doing for the commercial?
- [scoffs]
- Oh, nothing.
Ian is the only one in the commercial.
Did I not make that clear?
- He does look like a fat child.
- Guys, we can all watch it on TV together.
- Hey. Can a fat child do this?
[scatting]
Can a fat child do this?
Whoa--aah!
[crashes] Ow!
[lively music]
- No, no, no. What happened to your leg?
- They said if I put any more pressure on it,
it'll snap like a twig.
Dude, I had to borrow this scooter from my Nana
in exchange for taking her to water aerobics for a month.
- This is a huge opportunity for us.
Don't you understand, man?
Thousands of dollars in free advertising.
- I understand, but I can't dance, man.
- [sighs]
[techno music playing]
Then you'll teach someone who can.
- Forget it.
Every time they go near that suit,
Ian leaves a single piece of poop in my locker.
- That was just one little nug.
And I warned you: no one touches the suit.
- That nug stunk for weeks
and ruined my limited edition Bono AIDS iPod.
- Okay, no one who likes Bono deserves the suit.
- Ian, if we get the pork man on TV,
he'll be a celebrity, and that means you'll be a celebrity.
- Okay, fine.
But I'm not gonna take it easy on him.
When he's dancing, he's representing me.
- All right.
Dinger?
- I'll do it.
I'll do it for Nana's scooter.
[chuckles]
- Yes! Going to Hollywood, guys.
[wheels squeaking]
- Wrong. Wrong.
You can't put on the suit until your body is prepped and lubed.
- Whatever, dude.
- Oh, you think this is funny?
Do you think these are funny?
[dramatic music]
- Oh, God. - Yeah.
What are you gonna do when your nipples start to sweat?
And that sweat turns into salt crystals,
which then turns into little tiny razor blades...
- No. - That shred your soft,
sweet nipple meat.
Don't even get me started on
what's gonna happen to your thighs.
Now let's get you lubed up.
Oh, Jesus, Dinger.
Really?
[lively music]
- Hey, girl, I'm covering the prize booth, and--
[funky music]
Ooh. I'll figure it out.
- Is it supposed to feel so good?
- Can you please just not say that while I'm down here?
- Yeah.
[lasers firing on arcade game]
- Hey, Ding--or--
Hi, Lori. You're working prizes now?
- Just like I did in '96.
Dinger makes this out to be rocket science,
but it's just counting tickets and handing out toys.
- What do I get for this?
- Oh, well, let's see what you got.
All right, one...two...
- I want a stretchy hand and I want it now.
- As soon as I'm done counting.
- My parents are in the car, so let's not keep 'em waiting.
Huh, toots?
[dramatic music] - I want it all!
- You will give this place the respect it deserves.
Mads.
- It's mine!
[all screaming]
[dramatic music swells]
[watch beeps]
- Workout gear! What do you think?
- Are those Ella's shorts?
Dude, you shouldn't go through other peoples' lockers.
That's not cool. - Oh, it's cool to crap in 'em?
Come on, man, just give me the suit.
Hey. Hey!
- You don't get to wear the suit
until you can handle wearing the suit.
- Just gonna grab this-- - No.
- Aah.
- Your training...starts now.
[intense music]
The suit is heavy.
It puts pressure on your shoulders,
your legs, and, sometimes after dry cleaning,
your junk.
Also...the suit is dark.
- [whimpers]
- The suit it taxing.
I once made it all the way to the locker room
before I realized I had a kid stuck in my quills.
Lastly, the suit is hot.
- Wait.
- Five, six, seven, eight.
[snappers popping] Cross over front.
Cross over back.
Pull!
Now jump into a split.
- I can't, I-- - Jump, damn you.
[intense music continues]
I might have taken this a bit too far.
- No, this is for television, man.
- You're right. Ten more minutes.
[scary music] - Where are their parents?
- I thought you've done this before.
- Hey, what's up, guys?
- Watch out, Pete, they can smell fear!
- It's already too late! Aah!
- Hand over the helicopter and no one else gets hurt.
- Never. - Aah!
- For the 100th time,
cross over front... [snappers popping]
Jump kick right.
And jump into a split.
- I...I can't.
- I said jump!
- I don't think I can do it!
- Jump split, damn you!
[snappers pop] - [whines]
- Congratulations.
You're ready.
- [exhales weakly]
[dramatic music] [children clamoring]
- Ow! Oh, my God.
- I got a plan. Cover me.
I said cover me!
[children shouting]
Hey, hey, hey!
This what y'all want? Huh? Huh?
- Yeah.
- Come on, get it. Come on.
[children screaming]
[dramatic music]
- Hey, you can't lock us in here.
- You got an iPhone. Text your parents.
- What's your Wi-Fi password?
- [sighs]
- Action.
Action.
Action. - That's my chair.
- Oh. Oh, yeah, sorry.
Uh, you just have a trailer I can just hang out in?
- Yeah.
- Where is it?
- I can't do this.
- Hey. - [muffled scream]
- Listen, listen.
You're gonna nail it,
Pork E .'s gonna be famous,
and Nana's never gonna see this scooter again.
Got it? - Okay.
- Places, please. - Go.
Hey, no, no. This way, this way, this way.
- I wish I was back in the trunk.
- Go.
- And action.
- Action. That's an action.
[wacky music playing]
- Come on, Dinger, come on.
- [high-pitched singing] Hey it's Pork E. time
[wacky music continues]
- [grunts]
- What is he doing?
- [grunting]
- I think he's-- - Is he?
- No.
- I just pooped in your suit!
- What? - You mother[bleep]!
Ow! - It's just a nug.
Oh, wait.
He might have a friend.
[grunting]
- I'm gonna kill you!
- The second one was for Bono!
Whoo.
Yeah!
- No, no, no.
[wheels squeaking] Aah!
- Whoo! - Dinger!
Aah!
- We can just fix that in post, right?
[upbeat music]