*swoop*
*sweep*
*boing*
Okay, Rosie I need to ask a few things
because I need to know if this is okay or not
Okay
If I have the
if i have the boy
Right
Will you, or will you not
let me name him after, like, my favourite
character from something?
what's your favourite character from something?
Rosie, my favourite character is
Hugh Jackman when he's the drover in Australia
but I don't want to call him Hugh
Hugh?
Hugh Dix?
No! I want to call him Drover!
I really like the name Brooke
No
But Rose doesn't like it
No, I don't
Do you know why?
as judgmental as this is,
You think it's much like the common cold
in that it's common
Brooke slept with her best friends boyfriend
No, that's Chloe
No, uh of course that's Chloe
Yeah
But Chloe's like, yeah I slept with your best friends boyfriend
Brooke, doesn't tell them about it
Yeah but I feel like, I feel like
Brooke is really sexy at school and
maybe she hangs out with Chloe
but I feel like she's not as bad
When I have a baby, are you asking me
will I love my biological baby more
than your biological baby?
Yeah
Yeah.
You think that your baby would do better at school
but actually, my baby Clarke was born to succeed
Rosie
Yeah?
Baby Clarke has a constant runny nose
No
Yeah
You've got constant wet lips!
No I don't...
Would you name your son or daughter
after a place that we've been?
Yes!
Brilliant, let's call it Ham
Hamburg...
What if Ham grows up to become a vegetarian
and resents the day that his mother called him Ham ?
A vegetarian son called ham, the product of two lesbians?
dream come true...
*laughter*
I'm gonna get Drover to come into the room
and say to you, "Mum.....how are babies made?"
Yeah?
Do you think I won't tell them?
"Mum, where's Daddy?"
Do you think I won't tell them?
What you gonna say?
I'm gonna be like,
um, I got you from the sperm donation clinic
Oh
um, your dad was a donor
A donor or a Drover?
Brooke is just like me when I was a young girl
She's fierce
She sticks up for herself
She owns it
A little bit contagious too
What are you gonna do in this scenario, okay?
Drover and Brooke are playing, okay?
they're only like, six
Drover picks up one of Brooke's Barbies
Brooke, hits him over the head and kills him
What do you say?
"You should never have named him Drover"
No, you say, "I should never have called her Brooke!"
"she's clearly homicidal!"
and they'll, like, go to you and be like
"Mum, can I have a fiver?"
and you'll be like "No because you didn't do your chores
you need to load the dishwasher" right?
and
They need to know the value of money!
And then they're gonna come to me and be like,
"Rosie, can I have a fiver?"
and I'm gonna be like, "Don't tell your mother"
"Yeah, Brooke, go spend it on your cigarettes"
Brooke does not smoke!
Not that you know of, Rosie, but I smelt
I smelt it in her room!
Well then maybe you need to have another talk with her
I don't even like her
We're not even related
Drover can be whatever Drover wants to be when he grows up
He wants to be a drover
Not a drover
He wants to be a drover!
Rosie!
That's what he wants!
He was born to do it!
What was his name, his real name in Australlia?
I don't fucking know
Drover!
His name is Drover!
Brooke comes up to you right,
and she's like "Mum, I'm in trouble, um, I owe people a lot of money"
How much?
Ten million pounds
How the hell have you got yourself into that much debt?
She was involved in a diamond heist
How was she in..What part did she play?
Bait.
For the..?
Diamonds?
Yeah.
I don't understand
You don't need to understand, this is the situation
Okay
So why is she down on money?
What happened to the diamonds?
They, she stole them, with a group of men um, to sell
Yeah
But, halfway through the heist, they were heisted
A double heist
They were hoisted
No, they were heisted, that's a word
and now they owe the people they promised
the diamonds, and they're drug lords
If I'm on benefits, so are you 'cos we're a married couple
Rosie, we'd divorced long ago
Oh okay, so do, does your child have my benefits?
No Rosie, he's an investment banker!
Dr..I thought Drover was a drover!?
He does two things, he's very clever
How does he have time? There's not enough hours in the day
You make time if you're that successful
Brooke's a model
A model disappointment?
So there you go, I think we've decided that we're not going to call our daughter Brooke
and Drover is still very much on the table
Can you stop?
I don't want our children to drive us mad! (??)
Do I or do I not look like a great parent?
You're putting him under too much pressure
I think he's fine
he's fine
You've got to let children have their children time
Doing what?
Let them play
oh really? with their "imaginary friends"
No offence but, do you remember your childhood?
cos you sure didn't have any real friends
Do you remember what I did in my childhood?
What?
I made myself my own religion
What?
No I'm not joking
What?
I lined all my teddies up and I said...."I'm here"
"You may bow"
And the religion was Rose Dix, the Rose Dix religion
And what did you stand for?
Myself, clearly
And anything else?
Nope.