WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
AS YOU CAN TELL I'VE GOT MY SEXY, POST-LABOR DAY VOICE
TONIGHT.
EVERYBODY ELSE HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) EXTRAORDINARY, EXTRAORDINARY.
I KNOW WHO DIDN'T HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND WAS PRESIDENT OBAMA.
HE FLEW TO CHINA FOR LABOR DAY BECAUSE HE WANTED TO SEE WHERE
AMERICAN LABOR WENT.
AND THE PRESIDENT'S THERE FOR HIS VERY LAST G-20 SUMMIT.
SO THE NEXT TIME HE TALKS INTERNATIONAL ECONOMICS, IT'LL
BE WITH A REALLY BORED PERSON AT A PARTY.
"WHAT'S THAT?
OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, MR. PRESIDENT.
THOSE TARIFFS REALLY SOUNDED LIKE A TERRIBLE IDEA.
YEAH.
HOLD ON ONE SECOND.
HELEN!" ( LAUGHTER )
IF YOU EVER HAVE TO BETTER DEAL SOMEBODY AT A PARTY, JUST YELL
THE NAME HELEN AND WALK AWAY.
NOBODY'S GOING TO SAY YOU DON'T KNOW SOMEBODY NAMED HELEN.
THERE WAS A BIT OF A ROUGH PATCH AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MEETING,
WHEN CHINESE OFFICIALS WOULDN'T LET PRESIDENT OBAMA GET OFF AIR
FORCE ONE USING THE NORMAL STAIRCASE, OR "STAIR FORCE ONE,"
GOD I HOPE IT'S CALLED.
SO OBAMA HAD TO USE A SMALLER METAL STAIRCASE THAT FOLDED OUT
FROM UNDER THE PLANE.
THAT'S RIGHT, THE CHINESE MADE HIM USE THE FOLDAWAY, THE
JENNIFER CONVERTIBLE OF STAIRS.
NATURALLY, DONALD TRUMP WEIGHED IN, BECAUSE...
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE DONALD TRUMP?
>> THEY WON'T EVEN GIVE HIM STAIRS, PROPER STAIRS.
YOU SEE THAT?
THERE ARE PICTURES OF OTHER LEADERS GOING THERE, AND THEY'RE
COMING DOWN WITH A BEAUTIFUL RED CARPET.
BUT HE'S COMING DOWN A METAL STAIRCASE IN THE BACK OF THE
PLANE.
I GOT TO TELL YOU, THAT WERE ME, I'D SAY, "YOU KNOW WHAT, FOLKS?"
I RESPECT YOU A LOT.
LET'S CLOSE THE DOORS.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE."
IT'S A SIGN OF SUCH DISRESPECT.
>> Stephen: WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT.
SO THAT'S IT?
( LAUGHTER ) YOU DON'T GIVE HIM THE STAIRCASE
AND HE GOES AWAY?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: THAT MIGHT BE IT.
THAT MIGHT BE ALL WE GOTTA DO, RIGHT?
>> Stephen: MR. TRUMP, WHAT KIND OF STAIRCASE WOULD YOU
REALLY NOT WANT?
I' MJUST ASKING FOR MY GRANDCHILDREN
TRUMP KNOWS WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT WHEN HE TALKS ABOUT
STAIRS.
WHEN YOU MAKE A GRAND ENTRANCE, YOU DO IT ON A REALLY SLOW
ESCALATOR.
AND AIRPORT STAIRS WEREN'T THE ONLY THING INSULTING PRESIDENT
OBAMA.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO MEET TODAY WITH RODRIGO DUTERTE, THE
PRESIDENT OF THE PHILIPPINES, HOPEFULLY TO GET TO THE BOTTOM
OF WHY PHILIPPINES IS SPELLED WITH A "P-H" BUT "FILIPINO" IS
SPELLED WITH AN "F."
THAT IS "P-H'd" UP.
IN MY OPINION.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT THE MEETING HAS BEEN CALLED
OFF, BECAUSE WHEN OBAMA SAID HE WOULD CONFRONT DUTERTE ABOUT HIS
SUMMARY EXECUTION OF OVER 2,000 SUSPECTED DRUG OFFENDERS,
IN THE FILL FEENS, DUTERTE DU-TORE HIM A NEW ONE,
CALLING PRESIDENT OBAMA THE SON OF A WHORE.
>> Audience: OOOH!
>> Stephen: LOOK, I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY DO THINGS IN THE
DON'T ATTACK THE WOMAN WHO GAVE BIRTH TO THE PRESIDENT.
WE ATTACK WHERE SHE GAVE BIRTH.
AND IT TURNS OUT PRESIDENT DUTERTE HAS BIT OF A DUTERTE
MOUTH.
BECAUSE LAST MONTH, HE INSULTED THE U.S. AMBASSADOR, SAYING
"THE SON OF A WHORE.
HE PISSED ME OFF."
AND WHEN THE POPE FRANCIS VISITED THE PHILIPPINES, HE
ATTACKED HIM BY SAYING, "POPE, SON OF A WHORE, GO HOME."
, OF COURSE, THE POPE IS A HOLY MAN, VERY PATIENT.
HE RESPONDED BY SAYING, "I WILL GO HOME, RIGHT AFTER I
STOP BY YOUR MOM'S."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SAY HI.
SAY HI.
WHAT AN HONOR.
WHAT AN HONOR TO HAVE THE THE POPE VISIT YOUR MOM.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, IN DUTERTE'S DEFENSE, HE'S
NOT THE FIRST PERSON TO HURL THIS INSULT.
WE ALL REMEMBER WHEN REAGAN BLEW UP THE INTERNET WITH THIS.
>> MR. GORBACHEV, YOUR MOTHER IS A WHORE.
>> Stephen: IT WORKED, IT WORKED.
THE WALL CAME DOWN.
PEOPLE FORGET THAT PART.
>> Jon: IT DOES.
>> Stephen: THEY ONLY REMEMBER THE POLITE PARTS OF REAGAN.
NOW-- CAN YOU REALLY UNDERSTAND A WORD I'M SAYING RIGHT NOW WITH
MY THROAT?
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: IS THIS A GOOD SOUND?
>> Jon: IT'S NICE, IT'S SMOOTH, LIKE THE RADIO.
>> Stephen: THIS IS SMOOTH.
>> Jon: THAT'S SMOOTH, BUT LIKE LOUIS ARMSTRONG SMOOTH.
>> Stephen: SO I'M SMOKING A LOT OF WEED, IS WHAT YOU'RE
SAYING.
I SOUND LIKE, "OH, THAT IS NICE."
I FEEL LIKE I SOUND LIKE BRENDA VICARRO.
ASK YOUR PARENTS.
NOW, THE PRESIDENT DOESN'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH STUFF MUCH LONGER
BECAUSE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE OUT THERE WANT HIS JOB.
AND HILLARY CLINTON HAD A ROUGH TIME CAMPAIGNING THIS WEEKEND.
( COUGHING ) >> I'VE BEEN TALKING SO--
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THAT'S A LOT OF
COUGHING.
YET ANOTHER HILLARY CLINTON HACKING SCANDAL.
( LAUGHTER ) A QUICK--
( COUGHS ) A QUICK NOTE OF ADVICE: IF
PEOPLE ARE QUESTIONING YOUR HEALTH, MADAM, AND YOU HAVE A
TERRIBLE COUGH, DON'T DO IT STRAIGHT SPOT MIC.
BUT HILLARY HAD A NICE RECOVERY.
>> EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT TRUMP, I GET ALLERGIC.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: YEAH, SHE GETS ALLERGIC.
WHICH IS BAD NEWS BECAUSE NOT EVEN HILLARY CAN AFFORD AN
EPIPEN.
SPEAKING OF-- I DIDN'T RAISE THE PRICES.
SPEAKING OF HILLARY, HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE LATEST F.B.I.
REPORT ON HER EMAILS?
PROBABLY NOT, BECAUSE THEY PUT IT OUT THE FRIDAY BEFORE LABOR
DAY.
YOU CAN'T HIDE THAT NEWS MORE IF YOU WELDED IT INSIDE A LEAD
CAPSULE AND FIRED IT INTO THE HEART OF THE SUN.
AND ONE OF THE BIG REVELATIONS OF THIS LATEST E-MAIL DUMP
IS THAT SECRETARY CLINTON DIDN'T USE JUST ONE SMARTPHONE IN
OFFICE AS SHE ORIGINALLY CLAIMED,
SHE USED UP TO 13 DIFFERENT MOBILE DEVICES IN FOUR YEARS.
13 CELL PHONES!
MADAM SECRETARY, TELL THE TRUTH.
ARE YOU A CRACK DEALER?
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE I CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHY
ELSE YOU WOULD NEED 13 PHONES.
MEANWHILE-- IT'S ACTUALLY BETTER IF I TALK UP HERE.
IT'S MUCH EASIER.
THIS IS MUCH SMOOTHER UP HERE.
THIS IS VERY NICE.
>> Jon: THAT WORKS, TOO.
>> Stephen: MEANWHILE, OVER THE WEEKEND THE
CROWN PRINCE OF TRUMPLAND, DONALD TRUMP JR., TWEETED THIS
PHOTO WITH THE HASHTAG #MILLENIALSFORTRUMP, AND A LOT
OF PEOPLE QUESTIONED THIS FROM PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T THINK IT
WAS REAL, TO PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT IT LOOKED LIKE A SCIENTOLOGY
POSTER BECAUSE THE PHOTO SEEMS A LITTLE STIFF.
BUT THEY HAD A TON OF FUN AT THE PHOTO SHOOT.
I KNOW BECAUSE WE HAVE ACTUALLY OBTAINED SOME EXCLUSIVE
BEHIND-THE-SCENES FOOTAGE.
JIMMY?
>> OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE ON FIRE, I'M ON FIRE.
SOMEBODY CALLED THE FIRE DEPARTMENT.
WE NEED AN ARSON INVESTIGATION.
THIS IS SO AMAZINGLY HOT RIGHT NOW.
LESS, LESS.
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
YOU'RE YOUNG, YOU'RE FABULOUS.
YOU'RE TRUMP CHILDREN.
GIVE THAT TO ME.
OH, GOOD LORD, YES, ABSOLUTELY.
YOU'RE INHUMAN MONSTERS, YOU RULE THE NIGHT, YOU FEAST ON
HUMAN FLESH.
PERFECT!
ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE YOUNG, YOU'RE HIP, YOU'RE REACHING OUT TO
MILLENNIALS.
YOU DON'T CARE.
DEVIL MAY CARE.
GIVE ME HIP.
GIVE ME GREAT.
PERFECT.
CHANGE IT UP.
DO ANYTHING.
ANYTHING DIFFERENT.
JUST CHANGE IT UP IN ANY WAY AT ALL.
PERFECT.
I WANT YOUR EYES TO BE DEAD, NOTHING, OKAY.
YOU JUST REALIZED YOU LIVE IN A GILDED GAUGE FOR THE REST OF
YOUR LIFE, AND THERE'S NO ESCAPE.
OKAY?
AND MONEY DOES NOT BUY HAPPINESS!
YES!
LET'S SOFTEN THINGS UP A LITTLE BIT.
GIVE ME A LOOK THAT SAYS YOU'VE ALL AGREED NEVER TO TALK ABOUT
THAT HOMELESS MAN YOU KILLED AS CHILDREN.
YES!
ALL RIGHT, JUST FOR FUN, I'M GOING TO SHOOT SOME VIDEO, ALL
RIGHT.
HOLD THAT LOOK.
THAT'S GOOD.
HOLD IT.
NOW GO CRAZY.
PERFECT.
NOW CALM DOWN AGAIN.
NOW GO CRAZY AGAIN!
SHOW ME PASSION!
SHOW ME SEXY.
HOW ABOUT A LITTLE LAUGH, HA-HA.
AND DEAD INSIDE AGAIN.
BEAUTIFUL.
ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS WERE AMAZING.
I THINK WE'VE GOT EVERYTHING YOU NEED.
YOU'RE INCREDIBLE TO WORK WITH.
LET'S JUST DO ONE MORE SET, AND THIS IS FOR THE BABY CALENDAR.
PERFECT!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT.
HARRY CONNICK JR. WILL BE HERE, AND DONALD TRUMP GOES TO
DETROIT.
STICK AROUND.