(funky music) (VCR crackling)
- The Internet? Pfft!
As my little sister would say: as if!
Why would I send anyone an email
when I can just call their pager
and wait for them to find a payphone to call me back?
- I'd like to invite you to my house this afternoon
for my Tamagotchi's funeral.
I didn't give it enough food,
I didn't let it get enough sleep,
and it would seem...
I didn't give it enough love.
- This character Ross is a neurotic, insecure goofball nerd,
yet somehow, he is in a show called "Friends."
I too am a neurotic, insecure goofball nerd,
but if a show was made about my life,
it would be called "No Friends."
"Friends? Wonder what that's like!"
- Ah, chatrooms, an unmoderated Wild West
where only the strong survive.
"What's up, everyone? A/S/L?"
- [Mom] Get off the Internet.
I need to use the phone.
- Mom, c-can you wait a few hours?
- [Mom] No. Log off now.
- (groans) Whatever. - [AOL] Goodbye.
- Wish we'd finally get a second phone line.
- Dude, check out my new digital camera with one megapixel.
It's so easy to take pictures of myself with this.
There's gotta be a better term for pictures of yourself.
Maybe, like, a self-snapshot.
No, no, no! A snappy.
Yeah, anyway, it cost me $1,000.
#worthit. Why dial the pound sign first?
I'm not sure.
- Wow. "Titanic," what a masterpiece!
I wanna rewatch all 195 minutes of it.
Now I just need to stand up, walk all the way
over to the VCR, and rewind both videotapes.
Hey, while I'm waiting,
I can go grab a refreshing Surge soft drink
and heat up some Bagel Bites!
This is a great time to be alive.
- Greetings, earthling. - Dude!
This is just like that "X-Files" movie
I rented from Blockbuster last week.
- Galaxathor, write that down!
The humans still have entertainment rental stores!
- How primitive.
- What else are we supposed to do, man?
Send it through the mail?
Oh, or maybe I'll just watch it on the Internet.
Yeah, right.
It takes, like, two minutes for Netscape
to load a website with a GIF on it.
- I think it's pronounced "jiff."
- Ah, no! You're killing me, Smalls!
- My investments are a literal portfolio of Pokemon cards.
30 years from now, these babies will have exploded in value.
All I gotta say is, I'm glad I sold off all my Apple stock
to buy that holographic Charizard.
- This dance is the bomb.
Wait a second.
I should get my dad's camcorder
and tape me doing this dance,
and then I can get two VCRs
and make a bunch of grainy copies
and then hand it out to all my friends,
and it'll be so popular,
it'll be like the video went contagious!
- My grandma, she, uh, she got me a Furby,
so I did the right thing, and I threw it into the sewer.
Same place I threw the Tickle Me Elmo
she got me two years ago.
I can't allow that kind of evil into my house.
Oh, no.
What if those two abominations are conspiring down there?
What have I done?
- Did you know that the planet Pluto
was only discovered back in 1930?
There's so much of our galaxy that we can still discover.
Who knows how many planets we'll have by the year 2020?
Well, we'll have at least nine, that's for sure.
- I have my entire music library at my fingertips.
All I have to do is hook up the cassette player adapter
to my Walkman CD player and carry around a huge binder
of all my CDs that I can flip through on the passenger seat
as I drive down the highway at 60 miles an hour.
And to think my parents just had to listen
to whatever crap was on the radio.
- I don't collect Beanie Babies to flip them on eBay. No.
Each one of them has their own tragic story to tell.
Take Snort the Bull over there, for instance.
"He's not so tall, but he loves to play basketball"?
"He is a star player in his dreams"?
That's so sad.
Snort's dreams are gonna be crushed, okay?
He doesn't even have fingers.
How is he gonna grip a basketball?
He can't! It's physically impossible!
- Every computer in the entire world is going to crash
at the same time on January 1st, 2000,
and life as we know it will be over.
At least, I hope so,
'cause I stopped paying my taxes five years ago
and I'm kind of counting on it.
- Hi, I'm calling to place an order
for the newest Super Soaker.
Out of curiosity, is this model powerful and accurate enough
to neutralize a moving target from 20 yards away?
Hello?
- Aw, crap. I'm bugging out, man.
This is quite a dilemma.
On the one hand,
whoever's calling might really need something,
but on the other hand,
maybe it's someone I don't wanna talk to.
I wish I had enough money
to buy one of those caller ID boxes.
Ah, who am I kidding?
Even if I had one of those, I still wouldn't answer.
Ah, if it's important, they'll call back.
- Oh, wow! (laughs)
I made a lot of 16 Personalities comedy sketches
on this channel.
You don't believe me?
Well, why don't you watch some more?
Watch this one here. You'll love it.
See you next week.
Until then, stay cool and attractive.