Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this sick World
‘I haven’t seen you since the blasted U2 affair’
Just delete the album from your playlist it’ll be fine.
This week’s film proves that a team of female secret agents are every bit as kick ass as their male counterparts
‘lipstick recorders’
and that no matter how empowering that sounds, you can ruin all it with the wrong name
Are you sure there’s not something more patronising you could call them?
How about the Boob Troop. Or the T&A Team?
'Well I;ll be in touch just as soon as I round up the girls.'
You never see a male secret agent who’s also a member of the Chippendales do you?
‘Problems?’
Maybe they’re just lulling their enemies into a false sense of security.
'You really think the Doll Squad can stop me.'
Thanks John Q. Bad Guy, what is your evil plan by the way?
‘Bubonic plague’
Ok, one little problem with that
‘Dr Cahayman will inoculate you all against the virus plague’
When holding the world to ransom, what you really want is something that can’t be cleared up with a dose of antibiotics.
‘It’s all beginning to make sense’
So with the stakes set almost comically low, the Doll Squad springs into action
‘Terrific’
and this is also a problem because the film hinges on the idea that,
despite the biological setback of being born girls
‘Take it easy lady you’ll live longer’
the Doll squad is the best in the business.
But they’re so incompetent.
Although they do have an unrivalled competence in wearing bikinis,
'Oh absolutely'
crop tops
assless shorts
but mostly bikinis
'Take us wherever you think is pretty'
Which is a worthwhile skill I suppose,
I’m just not sure how much use it is when saving the world from an evil, if ultimately flawed, plan
‘Sex and Security don’t mix’
They only succeed because the bad guys are even worse!
‘Would you fellas like to share some cookies?’
The Squad unmask an infiltrator
‘Just as I thought’
Hard to believe that didn’t work
‘She’s busted maria and took off with her’
but then 5 minutes later
‘Why hasn’t Maria contacted me’
Because she was taken prisoner! You were told this!
‘I’m sure Maria has everything precisely under control’
Idiot bad guy or continuity error of the year? You decide.
'Damn it Maria'
I could almost forgive the Doll Squad because despite it’s obvious sexism,
glaring errors and characters so unmemorable I’m not even sure how many there are in the squad
'Take cover'
It does feature some of the most amusing violence ever committed to screen.
But I can’t forgive it. And for one reason;
you may have noticed the similarity to Charlie’s Angels and Angels creator Aaron Spelling is said to have got the idea from Doll Squad
‘The hell does that mean?’
It means this film is indirectly responsible for the career of director McG.
‘It’s awful’
There are some things I won’t forgive.
And to be honest the James Bond theme doesn’t help either.
(singing) 'The world that we share could be so beyond compare.'
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'Where's Kim?'
'She was killed in the shack.'
'Let's move.'