What sort of, uh, symptoms did you have that made you feel, the people around you feel, that you should be in hospital?
I didn't realize I had any symptoms. I don't think anybody else did until Sunday afternoon... and just... something happened to me.
I don't really know what it was... Just... I think kinda like something snapped inside of me, and I just... went to pieces.
And I couldn't hear... I could hear the people around me talkin'...
but it didn't, you know, it didn't make sense. It didn't... I couldn't really understand 'em.
And then when I was in the hospital-- they put me in the hospital--
Gave me a shot, and I slept all Sunday and Sunday night
And Monday morning when I woke up, I was hearing voices
Seemed that they were... right back here. Right back here, I could hear 'em.
And all of 'em... they weren't talkin' nice...
They were all fussin' and arguing, hollerin' and just screamin' so loud
It just... I just... didn't like it.
Was that the first time you'd had this experience of hearing any voices?
Yes... First time I heard the voices, mm-hm.
And then, next mornin' I heard 'em, and then...
'Scuse me...
It's alright.
See... that was Monday mornin'...
Then I woke up again... They gave me a shot
And then I was kinda drunk all day Monday
And then I woke up Tuesday morning, and I heard 'em again.
And then they gave me another shot, and I was drunk all day, and I didn't know anything.
And Wednesday mornin' , I woke up... and I STILL heard 'em
And then they gave me another shot... and that's when I came here.
How are you feeling... now?
Right now? I don't even...just...a little bit
You can hear the voices?
Not too much... and I keep tryin' to push 'em away, 'cause I don't wanna hear 'em.
Well, is there anything in particular that you can detect...?
Well... every now and then I can hear my Daddy
And he's... he's uh...
hollerin' and fussin' at my Mama 'cause she spends too much money.
Tellin' her she's just not a good wife...
And she just doesn't do right about my little brother
since she's goin' manicuring
And she can't get along with the money he gives her, around the house.
And then... Mama hollers out, and says this time you [????] me good
And you don't do me right...
And then... oh (sighs)
Let me see... what else...I hear?
And the girl-next-door, she's got a little boy
And she works all day
But when she does come home, she starts screamin'
And she'll holler at her little boy, and she'll tell him to SHUT UP and get out of the room and leave her alone.
And he'll scream, and he'll cry, and he'll run to the house and bang things.
And then the people across the hall from them
I can hear them fussin', and they're not as loud.
They have an air conditioner.
Keep the door closed, and the voices don't come out too much.
And they talk in Japanese, but I can't understand what they're talkin' about.
It seems that "fussing" upsets you...?
It can... When I was a little girl,
and we used to live up in Massachusetts
I can remember, lots o' times waking up in the middle of the night
And hearin' my Daddy and Mama fussin'
and even after I grew up and was in high school,
I'd be sleepin' at night and wake up real suddenly
and I could hear Daddy just hollerin' at Mama... just yellin' real loud
What did you think about that?
Scared me.
What scared you? Why did it scare you?
I don't know.
'Scuse me.
Sure.
I just...
I don't like anybody to fuss... and...
and get mad.
It frightens you? Is that what you feel?
It scares me, or it...
it makes me feel bad... and
I just don't like it.
How do you think you can compare now with what you had been?
Your own personality, to what it had been in the past?
I don't kn--
Were you different?
I don't think so, not TOO much...
At least I hope not!
I had lots of fun when I was in high school...
'Til last year...
I had fun okay, but I was different from then...
Are you getting frightened?
Right now?
Not when I'm not talkin' about all everybody all fightin' and arguin'
Do you feel that you're...um... not psychiatrically ill?
What do you think about this?
I don't know
I don't know what to think about it.
Think you need to be here?
I just wanna do what everybody else wants me to do.
I just wanna keep everybody happy
There was last time I saw you you're feeling somewhat different. Are you?
Quite so. Mm-hmm.
In what way have you...are you different?
Well...
Like I told Dr. Haines yesterday.
I was sitting down, and just, um, thinking about what things that have happened since I've been here
And in my mind, I could just almost see a curtain opening or a door opening and everything just getting real light...
and I could understand... and
Well, I knew a lot more things that had happened
And could understand them. But before they were just all confused, and I just didn't know what to think about them.
And it just seemed like when the door opened, it, well, everything cleared up.
Is there any particular thing that you feel you understand now more than you did?
Well, not any one particular thing
Just seems like, um...
Well everything is just more clear
Things that I was so confused about that I didn't understand - I understand now. I can see why they happened
And why I took them personally, and I shouldn't have
'Cause it wasn't any... really a reflection on me, in any way...
Such as?
Well, I was feeling very rejected by my family
Felt that they just didn't care anything about me. They...
Didn't want me around, really.
But I see now it wasn't like that at all
It was just my imagination building up things
My mother's going to nursing school, and when she comes home
she's tired, and she doesn't feel like going out of her way, or maybe not out of her way, but
Doesn't feel like, um...
Just being overly social, shall I say.
Yeah, I can understand and see now her point on that, 'cause
After standing up eight hours either all day or all night I can imagine how tired she would be
And it wasn't any...
personal thing against me
It's just she just didn't feel like talking, maybe, or
Just wanted to rest.
You expected something else of her?
Well, seems like always before, whenever I'd be with her, she'd
oh, have something to talk about, she'd laugh with me...
Everything like that, but, uh...
Then it seemed like that, we just didn't have anything in common.
Couldn't talk
And I'd see her...see, my family has taken in, um, two of my cousins
that are less fortunate than my family
and are giving them an education
so that they can make something of themselves
And with the girls living there close in the family, well, they all had something in common.
And they could talk and laugh, and just generally have a good time.
But I wasn't around, I didn't know much of what was going on,
So I couldn't talk or join in with 'em.
All I could do was sit there and listen.
And I felt like I was being left out.
But it really wasn't like that: They were trying to share their experiences with me
And I was just taking it personally, that they were leaving me out of things.
I had felt like... a shell has been broken.
and I feel like I can talk with people better.
Whereas before, it was a big job to be friendly, even to talk to somebody.
I just... well, I got to the point where I'd rather stay at home than go visit someone.
It's a lot easier.
And, uh, I think that's one of the biggest things... being alone at home
And then goin' down the Coast
I still felt alone, even though I was with my own family.
The other day when I talked to you, you were somewhat depressed, a little tearful at times,
Yes.
Um, how do you feel in comparison to this, now?
Well, I feel a lot better
And, uh, I'm very-- The other day, I still didn't understand everything, and I was too confused.
But it's been since then that this door has opened up, and everything just seems to be so much clearer.
But you're not sure why the doors opened up?
No. I'm not why it's opened up.
I just can see things a lot better than I was before.
I see why people were talkin' to me about their problems...
Because, really, they were trying to look out for MY interests.
But, um,
They would talk about problems that, well, would be related to me
Thinking that people weren't doin' me right about a lot of things.
See, my husband would talk to me about my mother, sayin' that she wasn't doin' me right.
And then my mother would talk to me about my husband, sayin' that HE wasn't doin' me right.
And I was just caught in the middle, tryin' to defend BOTH of 'em.
'Cause I didn't want either one of 'em to say anything bad about the other.
And, uh--
So you were caught in the middle?
I was caught right in the middle.
And then my father would get me off on the side and he'd talk about Mama
I'm afraid to defend my mother to my Daddy, 'cause he's so big and loud and everything...
And I just kinda shrink when I get around him.
Do you?
Mm-hmm.
He's always been so loud... and I guess that loudness has always just kinda scared me.
Well, thanks for talking with us this morning.