Fine dining is an art.
But the pitfalls are many, and your experience could very easily become memorable for all
the wrong reasons.
What you order makes all the difference between a great time and an epic fail.
So bon appetit...and good luck!
"Welcome to Medieval Times!
I'll be your serving wench, Melinda.
Might I fetch you something from the barkeep?"
Totally overdoing it
"Alright everyone, gird your loins!"
Perhaps one of the most notorious blunders is the overcooked steak.
"Whatever quality of beef it is, it's gone any form of taste when you've cooked it well-done."
But while chefs and dining companions may shade you for that wagyu hockey puck you just
ordered, you should go pinker for a reason other than just saving face.
"What if somebody wants theirs well done?"
"We ask them politely yet firmly to leave."
A 2013 study from the National Academy of Sciences suggested that the glycotoxins in
well-done meat can be a risk factor in developing brain diseases such as Alzheimer's.
"You want your steak?"
"Yeah!
Right now!"
"Here's your stupid steak!"
Carb loading
"I. Love.
Bread!"
Bread is a staple of almost every restaurant meal.
"Oh my pretty little pet, I love you."
But, delicious as it is, you shouldn't be paying for it.
More and more restaurants are starting to charge for bread, often labelled as 'artisan,'
with prices soaring up toward the double digits.
"Bread two dollars extra."
"Two dollars?
But everyone in front of me got free bread."
"You want bread?"
"Yes, please."
"Three dollars!"
Despite being highly tempting, those dinner rolls are a useless part of your meal.
Just sit tight and wait for your first course to arrive.
Wine snob
"What do you think?
I hate it."
Trying to show off a little without breaking the bank by ordering the second-cheapest bottle
of vino?
You're not alone — and restaurants are on to you.
That's why they'll charge more for the wine that cost them the least.
As a result, the second-cheapest wine on the menu is often the least impressive, but more
expensive than a better wine.
"These French really know how to make wine."
This can all be avoided if you're lucky enough to have a sommelier, who will target your
preferred price.
Otherwise, choose the house wine.
And don't go by the glass.
A bottle for the table gets you the most bang for your buck.
"I don't even like wine, but guess what, you're gonna like it."
Tapping out
"What is this, tap?"
"Yes, it is."
"No filter?!"
"...no filter, tap water."
Many high-end restaurants are located in city centers, where the quality and cleanliness
of the tap water is less than assured.
If you can't guarantee the restaurant filters its tap water, stick to bottled.
"You know what, Evian, you should be really embarrassed, because your parents named you
after bottled water."
And speaking of water, skip the festive lemon wedge.
A study from the NEHA found that 70 percent of lemon garnishes found in restaurants were
teeming with microbes from all sorts of different sources around each restaurant.
That's enough to put a sour taste in anyone's mouth.
Truffle pig
"First you gotta do the truffle shuffle."
"Come on!"
Truffles are renowned worldwide as a premium ingredient in fine cuisine.
But what many restaurants claim to be "truffle flavor" is actually a concoction of chemicals
and olive oil — not bona fide truffles.
"Are you on shrooms too?"
So before you shell out the big bucks for that truffle tagliolini,
make sure you're getting the real deal.
Feeling shellfish
Lobster was once a meat solely reserved for prisoners.
But it's clearly made a well-heeled comeback.
The mistake many make, however, is assuming that just because lobster is expensive, it's
worth eating.
In fact, lobster should be approached just like any other seafood dish — that is, it's
best eaten at a restaurant located near the source, prepared and served by chefs who know
how to do it.
"Have you ever had oysters?
Did you know oysters are an aphrodisiac?"
Aaaand speaking of shellfish, oysters may be just as fancy, but bad ones can be lethal.
"Whoa!
This looks weird.
What do I eat?
The shell or the inside?"
You might assume that eating raw oysters from a fine dining establishment would lessen the
risk of illness, but an FDA report in 2015 showed that even reputable restaurants aren't
guaranteed to be safe.
If you just have to hit the raw bar, purchase oysters only from establishments that specialize
in the dish.
All the fish in the sea
Dolphin is a delicacy in Japan, while whale is offered at many Scandinavian restaurants
— and shark can even be found in the US.
But there are a few reasons why you should avoid these dishes.
Shark meat especially has been found to contain tremendously high levels of mercury.
But most important are the ethical issues.
Most shark populations are at historically low levels worldwide due to over-fishing,
and the whale and dolphin hunting industries are fraught with controversy, including wastefulness,
toxicity to humans, cruelty and endangerment.
"Hey man, you seen that movie The Cove?"
"The Cove?
How youse gonna be talking about The Cove?
I mean, I saw the movie but I was like oh, s---!"
Next time you see shark fin soup on the menu, pass.
Foie gras faux pas
Foie gras may be linked to luxury, but the controversy behind it is massive.
"I wanted to take this time to say that we're going to be under a lot of media scrutiny."
Foie gras is produced by force-feeding geese or ducks, which fattens the animals to ten
times their normal size — at which point they're slaughtered for their livers.
"Everyone stop, we can talk about this, we are adults."
Unsurprisingly, animal rights advocates aren't feeling the foie.
So if you happen to see it on the menu, think twice.
The only thing suffering for your night out, should be your own liver.
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