Emotional intelligence, is it possible? Oh yeah, how to raise an emotionally
intelligent child today at Live On Purpose TV.
I feel like I have to say it
every time, what's your job as a parent? It's to love them no matter what and
even if. I know you're probably getting tired of hearing that. This is so
important to love them no matter what and even if. How to raise an emotionally
intelligent child is something that we can talk about and in the context of
your loving nature as a parent, it's going to work a whole lot better okay so
keep that in mind to love them no matter what and even if. I got to see a movie
not too long ago, Vicky and I chose to watch this movie for a number of reasons,
it's the movie 41 which is the story of Jackie Robinson. Jackie was one of the
first African American baseball players to actually be introduced into the major
leagues of baseball and there was a lot of resistance at the time. You remember
the history and none of us are proud of this but there was a time when African
Americans in the Major League Baseball were not welcomed and a lot of people
were resistant to allowing that to happen. Well there's a scene in the movie
where Jackie is running out onto the field and getting ready to play the game,
the spectators who are still in their archaic racist beliefs stand up and
start to angrily shake their fists and yell obscenities and try to get his
attention to make him feel embarrassed or uncomfortable or in their mind,
ideally leave the field. Shaking their fists, turning red in the face, you can
picture this, right? And if you've seen the movie you know what I'm talking
about. There's a young boy who is attending the game with his father, he's
a little puzzled by everything that's going on around him, he's just there to
enjoy the baseball game, he hasn't learned to hate people, alright.
But as he's looking around and he sees all of this commotion going on and
this hullabaloo about some player out there that he just wants to watch play
baseball, he turns and he looks at his father who just stood up and joined the
angry crowds with fists clenched and face read as he joins in the screaming
and the yelling. Well as this young boy looks up at his father and as he sees
everything that's going on around him, he finally gets himself fired up to the
point where he says "Yeah, go home!" and he starts screaming and yelling and waving
his fists as well.Why would I remember that scene from the movie? And it was
troubling to me to see that scene but it reflects something that is so important.
What are we modeling for our kids? You know, the very best way to raise an
emotionally intelligent child is to be an emotionally intelligent parent, show
them the right way. When they see you doing all of these things, what does it
teach them? And sometimes kids can't hear what we're saying because what we're
doing is so loud and that's what they're going to cue in on and take their lead
you understand the principles, like the ones that we teach here on this channel
all the time, of positivity and choosing love and being a decent human being,
that's the very best thing that you can do. Now what else? Okay, I've got a
strategy that I think is going to work really well for you. The the rules that
we set up for our kids, sometimes we try to come up with all these rules that are
hopefully going to put them in a position where they can be more emotionally
intelligent for example or more productive or whatever it is. I think we
can wear ourselves out sometimes as parents but coming up with these
exhaustive lists of rules and things that we want our kids to do and notice
something, they always are bright enough to find something that wasn't on the list
and you don't want to be in that position either so I'm going to see
just now three rules, three rules that we can use for our home where we develop a
family culture around emotional intelligence which means that everyone
in the family strives to follow these three rules, here they are. Rule number
one, respect yourself and others. Respect yourself and others. Think about what
this includes, it means treating people with kindness, it means not hitting or
biting or kicking or gouging or maiming, it means using kind language when you
address your mother. Okay, you see all the things, it means not back talking. There's all
kinds of things that respect comes into but check this out. Notice I said respect
yourself and others. What does it mean to respect ourselves?
I've asked little kids this question. What does it mean to respect someone? Be
nice. Yeah, awesome. What if the rule, the family rule, is to be nice to everyone?
Respect yourself and others, that means you treat yourself with as much kindness
and compassion and forgiveness as you treat other people. So what about
punching my brother in the face? No, violates rule number one, that's not
respecting others. Okay, what about talking back to mom when she asked me to
do something? No, that violates rule number one, it's not respecting mom. What
about coming home from school and say "I am so stupid. I'll never get this math." No,
violation of rule number one, that's not respectful of yourself. Do you see?
So it's going to include self and others. Do you like rule number one? In creating an
emotionally intelligent culture for our family, I think that's an important rule.
How about rule number two?Respect property. Notice that it starts with the
same word, respect. How do we respect property? The property is stuff, right? I
asked a kid not too long ago what is property. Oh, it's my neighbor's yard. Well
yeah, it is and we're used to talking about someone's property as being the
place they live but property is also stuff, it's
belongings, it's things that you own or take care of. Now respecting property
means that you would take care of it, you would treat it the way that it needs
to be treated, you would put it in the place where its home is. You would not
take something that doesn't belong to you, that wouldn't be respecting property,
it's also not respecting the person who owns it so both rules are covering that
one. You would not vandalize things, you would not break things, you would not use
things improperly in a way that endangers either the thing or the people
around so things are not as important as people but rule number two has to do
with respecting property and that
helps to create a culture of emotional intelligence with the home as well. You
like these so far? Now I told you I'd give you three but honestly, if you're a
parent and your child is willing to respect themselves and others and
respect property, what else do you want? Well that pretty much covers it but
we've got a little catch-all that we'll throw in there for number three. Rule
number three, cooperate and obey. There's a difference between cooperation and
obedience, let's talk about that for just a moment. With whom should your child
cooperate? Here's a good answer to that. With anyone
who is asking them to do something that is right and reasonable, right meaning it
doesn't violate either of those first two rules, respect yourself and others,
respect property. Reasonable means that it's appropriate, it's appropriate to
their stage of development, it's appropriate to the context of the asking.
So should your 10 year old son cooperate with your 6 year old
daughter? Yeah, okay. If she's asking him to do something that's right and
reasonable. Hey, would you help me with this? Yeah, totally appropriate for a
6 year old ask that. Now what if a friend at school
is saying "Hey, will you cooperate with me to go steal some cigarettes down at the
7-eleven? We'll go smoke them out behind the shop." No, because that's not
respectful to yourself or property, right? It's not right or reasonable so
cooperate with everyone as long as it's right and reasonable, okay. How about
obedience? Who should you obey? Who should your children obey? Well, that's obvious,
you want them to obey you, right? Why? Let's get to the why. You should obey
anyone who holds a position of authority over you. Now we could get into all the
arguments about whether that person should to have authority over you or not
but for purposes of this video, it's fine to just say anyone who has authority
over you so for your children obviously, that's you as a parent. Yes, they should
obey you. What if you're wrong? That's a different conversation, okay. Be open to
that because as an emotionally intelligent parent, you realize that
sometimes you get it wrong and it's important to be open to the input and
feedback that you get from your kids especially if it's painful, be open to
that. What about a police officer? Yes because they hold a certain level of
authority, you should obey that police officer when they ask you to do
something. Now what about the right and reasonable thing? You know what, part of
my practice is training law enforcement. The vast majority of our public servants
out there are doing the right thing for the right reasons, there have been a few
that have tainted it but I think the media has been a little bit unfair about
how they're beating up on law enforcement for example or the other
first responders, I think that's tragic. I'm going to stand up for them, I think
they're doing a great job. Should you obey a police officer? Yes. Why? Because
they have some level of authority over you alright. They ask you to produce
your driver's license, just do it. Don't get into a fight. What about a judge?
You're in court, should you obey the judge? Yes.
What if you're in school? The teacher, should you obey the teacher? Yes because
they have some level of authority over you. Do you see the difference between
cooperation and obedience? As your children learn to follow these three
rules - number one, respect self and others. Number two, respect property. Number three,
cooperate and obey. As they learn to follow these rules, they develop a level
of emotional intelligence that allows them to interact really well with other
people and with the world around them and you create a culture at home that
supports that. It really is more about creating a culture of emotional
intelligence. You've got this. Share it with someone else as well.