we're in a great mood tonight because we
recently got recognized in Tulsa
fantastic amazing walking down the
street car sees this guy drives out
right next to us rolls down his window
looks to the two of us is like get out
of here Jews you know just feels good to
be recognized for your work is what
we're trying to say we were like thank
you so much it was like see you later
we're like whoa you sir can never do a
straight arm way no not with that
haircut no no no no no so we're both
dads
we each have two kids yeah that's too
many kids a good thing about having two
kids is that if anybody has less than
you and they complain about anything in
their lives and you're around to hear it
you're allowed to walk over to them yes
and rip them a new that feels
really good fun it's cathartic our
friend comedian was on stage he today 15
minutes said about how his 1 17 month
old kid was ruining his life how hard it
was to raise one 7 pound difficult his
life had become now Jan are the most
supportive comedians ever comedians to
tell you they come on stage for always
like I love that but it's a great job
here's a 10 I just wrote a tag for
hacking his time tagging jokes yes
tagging for 10 here's the headline keep
doing comedy that's what we tell
everybody this guy got off stage after
doing it 15 minutes said about how his 1
17 month old kid was ruining his life
Jay and I are backstage were like dude
you got a stop get out a kid out of
comedy for my buddy 117 month old kid
you're a parent like an optometrist as a
doctor
barely you're barely a barrel
you're a doctor like dr. Dre is a doctor
the early I know I don't even know if he
practiced at all gynecology dr. Dre has
a small gynecology party so where city
of Cal city of cognitive diversity of
God a common one 17 month old kid okay
if you don't know what a 17 month old
kid is will explain it to you all right
it's a dog that occasionally talks yeah
that's all a 17 month old it's magical
dog is too much you can't handle that
then I love our friends that just have
pets it can't handle that the pet is too
overwhelming you're like hey man we're
getting a drink after the show you want
to come with us baby it's like raised
like raising a kid it's exactly like
raising a child we're like yes cuz if
you can tie it up while you go have
brunch it's not a kid okay if you can
pay good money to watch it fight another
one to the death it is
if it runs away in two weeks later
you're like let's just get another one
and call this a name if you can openly
masturbate in front of it it is not if
it turns 15 and you're thinking about
putting it to sleep that actually is a
kid that is a horrible teenager who will
not stop playing for tonight no mic take
him down as I said I have two daughters
12 and 14 those are their names yes huge
stranger things man I was a decade ahead
you are ahead of the curve on that one
14 she's in high school and so before
she went to high school this year we
cleaned out her bookshelves of all the
books who used to read her when she was
a little kid and what I realized is the
books we read our kids when they're
really little are terrible but you don't
care cuz you're just using the thing to
put your kid to sleep which is what a
parent does of little kids all day long
you're just trying to put your kids to
sit her down
get her down put her down put her down
like she's a horse with a broken leg put
her down she just woke up 20 minutes ago
buttered and there was a whole shelf of
fairy tales now I don't if you've read a
fairy tale recently but those are wildly
inappropriate stories for a kid oh yeah
they're crazy story crazy
fairy tales read like police blotters in
the state of florida yes if you were to
put the phrase of Florida man or a
Florida woman in front of the plot of a
fairy tale totally works
it does Florida woman breaks into a
house eats their food breaks a chair and
then is found passed out in the kids bed
that's Goldilocks meth and Tampa Bay
okay
Florida man kisses a dead woman then
tries to marry her what is that that
sounds like ecstasy in Orlando it does
Florida woman lures two children to her
house using breadcrumbs with hopes of
eating their faces off that is bath
salts in Pensacola Florida woman gets a
DUI for trying to drive a pumpkin thats
everywhere in Florida every weekend
although it is kind of fun to think of
Cinderella as a Florida woman and to
imagine her getting pulled over by the
cops at 12:10 in the morning that
fateful night ma'am ma'am we're gonna
need you to get down from the town the
pumpkin man you gotta get off the
pumpkin she's like these masks were
horses ten minutes ago sure they were
man where's your left shoe where's your
other stripper shoe man where's the
glass slipper where is it
oh it's at the palace with the prince oh
yeah the only prince in your future
ma'am are gonna be some fingerprints
[Applause]