i was nervous i was nervous to get
married because my husband wanted us to
write our own wedding vows
he has feelings
i don't know how to express myself i was
so nervous my wedding vows were going to
be the most new york gangster vows
i was so afraid i was going to get up
there and be like yo i didn't love you
son
yo oh god i love you my guy
let me just chest bump
[Applause]
i'm like let's do this the priest is
like you may now dab the bride i'm like
facts
i couldn't sleep last night man i was
just up
3am chilling with my demons
that's all it is man i was like what's
up insecurities
hey procrastination funny you'd be on
time for this
[Applause]
you're never doing anything productive
that's the most frustrating thing
if you're like me you're just up
rethinking conversations you had during
the day
and coming up with better responses
oh you're on the internet for the next
97
hours looking at weird animal friendship
videos
which are my favorite by the way i love
those videos i'm like a kitten and a
monkey how'd they even meet
i grew up watching both latino
television and american television and i
noticed the similarities a lot of the
programs were similar it's just that
latinos we always got to be extra
we always got to be actual it's like we
looked at regular soap operas and we're
like you call that drama that's cute
[Applause]
i'll show you drama
right everything's extra about what we
do like on american television they got
kelly and ryan
we got el gordo la flaga
that's right which translates to the fat
man and the skinny woman
[Applause]
because who cares what their names are
married a good dude i got me a 1978
caucasian
[Applause]
my husband's white that's what i'm
trying to tell y'all he's not just white
he is midwest white
yeah that's right that's organic girl
that is
that is farm to table white y'all like
that
i got duped by a lot of those dating
apps because someone taught guys about
high angles and filters
and now they're using our tricks against
us ladies
how's that gonna work man i don't look
like how i'm supposed to look you don't
look like how you're supposed to look
how we gonna find each other at this
restaurant
first white guy dated was years ago he
took me to his parents lake house and i
was like oh
because that's when i found out white
people buy houses that they don't live
in
i was like that's money money
my favorite new game is lying to uber
drivers about what i do for a living
because i used to stupidly tell them the
truth i tell them i'm a comedian and
then they'd be like
but when i tell them i'm a stripper no
more questions
so i stalked him cause that's what you
do when you like a guy
every woman in here knows she's part fbi
agent
that's right
[Applause]
as soon as i had his full name i
launched a cyber investigation
[Applause]
do you know how hard it was when i met
his family to pretend like i didn't know
everything about them already
i was so afraid that i was gonna say
someone's name before they introduce
themselves
like hey miriam how you doing girl i
mean hey girl what's your name
how the renovations on the house going
i'm supposed to know that
my husband loves the fact that he's
married a sassy latina
he loves to bring it up in conversation
when it has nothing to do with what
we're talking about
be like hey guys my wife's puerto rican
enjoy your meal
i get it i mean he's excited i'm the
only latin woman he's ever been with so
i'm his
first he's not
my first white guy i have a
i've been with white guys before
mainly to get information and take it
back to my people
women aren't funny your wife must have a
sense of humor
she's seen you naked oh
don't my cue come back do i call you or
do i just commit a crime
probably committing a crime would get me
to you quicker this is made my most
inviting
thank you and good night