- You need to know two things
about me going into this story, I bear a lot of grudges
and I love French cuisine.
(laughter)
I love French cuisine
and that's why this story takes place in a Pret A Manger.
(laughter)
Ah, have you been there? Mamma mia!
(laughter)
Ah. I love manger in there,
there's so much much good stuff to manger.
I love to manger in Pret A Manger.
I think my favorite thing to manger there
is the yogurts . I love to manger the yogurts.
They're in a pot and it's granola on top,
then mainly yogurt, then fruit compote at the bottom.
You know, the way they eat it in Paris.
(laughter)
And you get a spoon and you mix it all together
and you then you manger it that way, if you like.
I don't actually mix it.
I just leave it as it is, and I work my way down in order.
I start off with nothing but granola,
just shoving raw granola into my mouth,
deflecting off my teeth this way and that.
And then I power through the yogurt for a really long time,
getting precious little out of it if I'm honest.
It's a real trudge. You know what I mean?
I don't like the yogurt part.
And then I end on the tangy compote,
like, "Whoa, what a finale. Oh, my God!
"All the favor at once. Ah."
That's how I eat yogurt, son.
I eat them like they're packaged.
That's why I like them Fruit Corners.
They come with that little chaser.
(laughter)
I went in Pret A Manger one day,
all I wanted was a banana. That's all I wanted to manger.
Doesn't ever get less funny, that.
(laughter)
Every time I say it, it's still funny.
(scattered laughter)
Got a banana, put it on the counter,
I said, "Just that, s'il vous plait."
(laughter)
Make the effort.
Make the effort in Pret A Manger, actually.
I make the effort, you should.
"Just that, s'il vous plait."
The lady behind the counter,
she goes, "Oh. Oh, we're giving away free bananas today."
"Thanks very much."
Picked up the banana, I turned to leave,
she goes, "Hold on a second, where are you going?
"I said we're giving away free bananas.
"I didn't say all of the bananas are free."
(scattered laughter)
How unnecessary. I don't know what I've done
to offend this woman in the past,
but she's laid a language loophole for me,
and I've fallen for it hook, line and sinker.
I wasn't going to rise to it, though.
Stayed very calm. I said, "Oh, I'm sorry.
"Which of the bananas...
(laughter)
"are free?"
A soon as I asked that, I think it highlighted
how insane it would have been if that had been
my initial response. If someone says to you,
(laughter)
"We're giving away free bananas today,"
and without question you go,
"Which specific ones?
(laughter)
"Looking at this box of bananas,
"I want to know which individual ones
"the offer applies to.
"It can't be all of them.
"We're not living in a fantasy land.
"This isn't my dreams."
"Which bananas are free?"
Her eyes lit up. She couldn't wait to tell me
which bananas were free.
She goes, "These ones."
And she pointed at this pile of jet black bananas,
just black as the night sky.
Just wobbling as well, there was no solids in those skins,
just a pile on the counter,
and I didn't want to manger no dead banana.
(laughter)
Look, I know you can't tell what a banana's like
on the outside based on the inside.
I know that. I'm an adult.
But some bananas, ugly on the outside,
beautiful on the inside.
Other bananas, beautiful on the outside,
ugly on the inside.
It's evolution's way of making sure shallow people
don't get enough potassium in their bodies.
And rightfully so.
Deserve everything they get, shallow people.
If there's any shallow people in tonight, get out.
(laughter)
None of them are welcome.
Be that as at may, I turned down the offer
and I paid full price for my yellow banana.
As I'm handing her the money,
she does this face at me.
Clearly what she wanted to do
was look at someone and roll her eyes
at the guy paying full price for the banana.
But no one else was around,
so she kind of looked at me and went,
"Oh, no. That's the guy."
(laughter)
I'm almost at the door, nearly home free,
hand on the handle, and I hear her mutter to herself.
And this still boils my blood to this day, actually.
Under her breath, she goes,
"He thinks he's too good for a free banana."
(scattered laughter)
Never before have I been so offended
by something I 100% agree with.
(laughter)
Yeah, I am too god for a free banana, actually.
We all are, aren't we?
If you're sitting there thinking,
"Oh, I'm not,"
believe in yourself a little bit.
It is a banana. It is a banana.
You've never been standing there holding a banana
and someone's come up to you and gone,
"Ooh, you're punching above your weight, aren't you?"
It's never happened.
(laughter)
It's lucky to have you if anything, that banana.
Couldn't get it out of my head.
Days, weeks, months went by.
I was still furious about it.
Went past Pret A Manger nine months later,
looked in the window, the bananas were gone at this point.
Frankly, I was surprised.
I half expected them to have been
decanted into a paddling pool with a sign
stuck in them that said, "Free smoothies,"
so people could drag their cups through the mush and leave.
"Oh, Pret A Manger, your generosity
continues to astound us."
(laughter)
The bananas were gone, but my nemesis was not.
(laughter)
She was standing behind the counter,
handing someone a Danish like prick.
(laughter)
Like a prick.
(scattered laughter)
Was furious, still angry.
I knew I had to get revenge.
And I know exactly how I'm going to do it now as well.
Got it all planned out.
Step one, I'm going to open my own banana shop
in her neck of the woods.
And that's alls we sell, is bananas.
Well, sooner or later, she's going to go in.
Because let's face it, if a shop opens up
in your neck of the woods that only sell bananas
and nothing else,
you're going to go in at some point just to see.
"Does it really just sell bananas?"
(laughter)
Once you're in the shop that only sells bananas,
you've got to buy a banana.
Because only a maniac would go in the shop
that only sells bananas and go,
"I'm sorry, you haven't got what I'm looking for,"
and then leave.
(laughter)
I've got her where I want her now.
She'll come in, pick up a banana, put it on the counter,
she'll go, "Just that, please."
And I'll go, "Oh. Oh, hey, we're giving away
"free bananas today."
(scattered laughter)
And she'll go, "Oh which ones are free?"
Because let's face it,
I'm not going to trip her up at this hurdle, am I?
She invented this trick.
(scattered laughter)
"Which ones are free?"
And I'll say,
"All of them.
"All of the bananas are free."
And against her better instincts,
she'll pick up a banana,
and say, "Thanks very much."
She'll turn to leave,
and just as I'm out of he peripheral,
soon as I get out of her peripheral,
I'll go, "Hold on a second. Where are you going?
(laughter)
"I said all the bananas are free,
"I didn't say all the bananas are free to everybody."
(laughter)
And she'll be all angry. She'll go,
"Who are they free to, then?"
And then, here's the kicker,
I'll go, "Me."
And then I'll eat all the bananas.
(laughter)
Just doing laps of the banana shop,
just hoofing them into my mouth,
making all disturbing noises as well,
I haven't worked on them yet,
but I'm going to work on it
and get some disturbing noises going,
And then she'll be all flustered,
she'll be like, "Who are you? Why are you doing this?"
I've taken off my disguise.
I was wearing a disguise all along.
(laughter)
And I'll go, "It's me. Boom! Who's too good for...
(watch beeps)
"Who's to good for a free banana now?
"I'm too good for a free banana.
(crowd applause)
"I am too good for a free banana.
"Always have been, always will.
"Always will, too good for a free banana."
Yes. Cold like a wanker.
Boom, dealt with.
Dealt with, both barrels.
Both barrels, I did it.
(scattered laughter)